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Original poster

Giving up on a troubled friend

32 replies

Oliveoiloli · 07/05/2025 10:23

Looking for advice. I am now in my 40s and my DH and I made a mutual friend at Uni. He didn’t pass his degree, has struggled to hold down work and a relationship. Let him live with us for a while on mates rates, and just got used to buying an extra pint or an extra meal. All good. Was genuinely a nice fun person to be around in our 20s. However the years have passed and it’s all got a bit dark and twisty - the student mistakes (not revising, no commitment to work) have been replaced with a new darker set, drink driving, drugs, adultery. We have had enough and want to walk away. The problem is that our mutual friends think we are being judgy and mean for ‘giving up on him’ and it certainly has a big impact on our social circle. We don’t want the responsibility of this and it’s not in line with our values. What would you do?

OP posts:
Lovelysummerdays · 07/05/2025 10:28

I think you can’t really live your life on what other people think. He’s a bit of a waster/ freeloader and these people inevitably fall away as people mature, kids, family, jobs become more important

MagpiePi · 07/05/2025 10:31

Is he still living with you?

If your other friends are so concerned then they wouldn't they be happy to take him on?

toomuchfaff · 07/05/2025 10:33

All the people judgey; can we pass on your number? He can come live with you for a while? You'll be his shoulder and crux? Or maybe he comes with you to the pub all the time and you pay for him for a while?

Tell the judgey people to stfu. You can try to help, and try to help and try to help but sometimes you have to let go of the rope.

NineteenSeventyNine · 07/05/2025 10:34

He’s a grown man who is knowingly engaging in harmful behaviour. You’re not his parents; it’s not your responsibly to look after him and you can’t solve his problems for him. Walk away and tell him why — it might just be the wake-up call he needs.

HappyNewTaxYear · 07/05/2025 10:34

If you bin him off you are giving a clear message to him that his behaviour is out of order. If you don’t, you are telling him that you think his behaviour is perfectly acceptable - in other words, you’re enabling him. Your friends can judge all they like, but the above will still be true.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 07/05/2025 10:45

People are gonna judge, let them

Its sad for him, that life has taken this turn, but you can't keep on supporting him, to your own detriment

I'd be honest with him though - don't ghost him or be unkind, not saying that you would

Those who have sense and life experience, will not judge you x

BeesTrees · 07/05/2025 10:58

He’s a friend, not your adult child. You aren’t responsible for him in anyway. Don’t let him drag you down with his poor decisions. Don’t worry about people judging you for disassociating with him, you will be judged worse if you are still associating with him and he kills someone with his drink driving and everyone realises you knew he did that.

If people judge you for dropping him that says a lot about them, rather than you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/05/2025 11:02

I wouldn’t be around who drink drives. That’s outrageous and verging on attempted murder. Cut him off and spare yourselves further drama. The friends who think his behaviour is acceptable can take him in, buy him pints and otherwise enable him but you’re off the hook.

romdowa · 07/05/2025 11:10

I'd just distance myself and would stop helping him out. If you see him socially within your group then make small talk but other than that leave him to it

CruCru · 07/05/2025 11:24

It sounds as though you’ve run out of juice for this guy - that is okay. From the way your post is written, it sounds as though he is no longer living with you but is about to need a massive favour (somewhere to stay, a large loan). After a while you start to notice the pattern.

The people who judge are almost never the ones who offer up their own spare room.

ThisPearlCrow · 07/05/2025 11:28

Yep, bin him.

If other people want to enable him, that's up to them.

Janedoe82 · 07/05/2025 11:29

I support people like this at work- it is incredibly draining but I can rely on professional boundaries to leave it behind after work. Much harder when it is a friendship.
There most likely is a route cause for the behaviour, likely trauma of some sort- you could try and link him in with support services- addictions/ mental health.

SheridansPortSalut · 07/05/2025 11:31

You don't need to tell other people what your reasons are. You don't even need to discuss or draw any attention to the fact that you're distancing yourselves. You can just fade out and give vague answers if anyone questions it. They'll soon see another side to things if he starts leaning on them instead of you.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 07/05/2025 11:33

Is he still living with you?

ItGhoul · 07/05/2025 11:41

You're not obliged to be friends with anyone. If you dislike the way someone behaves, don't hang out with them. It really is that simple.

PersonalBest · 07/05/2025 12:20

I walked away in my 40s, while it was very hard, I don't regret it.

Brefugee · 07/05/2025 12:25

Well first i would be thinking about what these mutual friends have been doing to support him all these years, and then balance that in my mind with what i had done and would absolve myself of the need to support further.

And then i would just drop the rope and let mutual friends think what they like. But at the first comment from them i would say "so what have YOU been doing to help? what are you going to do, going forward" then carry on rope-dropping.

some people can't be helped. Some people won't be helped. And some people coast by knowing that their friends will step in. You know which one your friend is.

IglesiasPiggl · 07/05/2025 12:29

It is fine to say "Your behaviour doesn't line up with the way we see the world and we don't want it in our lives".

loropianalover · 07/05/2025 12:29

No time for it - let your saintly friends take him in, buy drink for him, bail him out when he gets caught drunk driving, support him when he cheats, do drugs in their house, probably let him steal from them etc… and tell them to give you a call in 6 months to see what they think!

Either they’re just naive or they’re as bad as him OP, so sounds like you’re better off.

gamerchick · 07/05/2025 12:31

Tell your mutual friends they're welcome to take responsibility for him. Do any of them?

MoistVonL · 07/05/2025 12:32

Can you just pull back? Just not invite him to things you arrange but still go to group stuff that he may be at as well?

Namechangefordaughterevasion · 07/05/2025 12:32

Just distance yourself from him. Don't make a big deal of it to other people. Avoid him at group functions. Make small talk if necessary and then move away.

You absolutely are judging him and there's nothing wrong with that.

Octavia64 · 07/05/2025 12:32

If he’s still living with you I’d be sorting that out pronto.

otherwise I’d be quietly pulling back on seeing him.

BB333 · 07/05/2025 13:50

Oliveoiloli · 07/05/2025 10:23

Looking for advice. I am now in my 40s and my DH and I made a mutual friend at Uni. He didn’t pass his degree, has struggled to hold down work and a relationship. Let him live with us for a while on mates rates, and just got used to buying an extra pint or an extra meal. All good. Was genuinely a nice fun person to be around in our 20s. However the years have passed and it’s all got a bit dark and twisty - the student mistakes (not revising, no commitment to work) have been replaced with a new darker set, drink driving, drugs, adultery. We have had enough and want to walk away. The problem is that our mutual friends think we are being judgy and mean for ‘giving up on him’ and it certainly has a big impact on our social circle. We don’t want the responsibility of this and it’s not in line with our values. What would you do?

Ask the judgey friends to take the person under their wings and see how long they last with his behaviour. You and your husband need to think about your mental health and your happiness. There’s no helping some people unfortunately.

Goditsmemargaret · 07/05/2025 13:53

Tricky. I guess you are all in a fairly emeshed social circle. Can you step away from your friendship with him without it needing to be approved by everyone else?

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