Giving up on a troubled friend

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Looking for advice. I am now in my 40s and my DH and I made a mutual friend at Uni. He didn’t pass his degree, has struggled to hold down work and a relationship. Let him live with us for a while on mates rates, and just got used to buying an extra pint or an extra meal. All good. Was genuinely a nice fun person to be around in our 20s. However the years have passed and it’s all got a bit dark and twisty - the student mistakes (not revising, no commitment to work) have been replaced with a new darker set, drink driving, drugs, adultery. We have had enough and want to walk away. The problem is that our mutual friends think we are being judgy and mean for ‘giving up on him’ and it certainly has a big impact on our social circle. We don’t want the responsibility of this and it’s not in line with our values. What would you do?

Meh bin him off. I got to my 40s and realised life is too short for toxic dysfunctional friends. I’ll concentrate my time on the good ones thanks. If your other friends are so concerned they can be his crutch.

I could not be friends with someone I knew drove while drunk or drugged. No way. You are right to distance.

“our mutual friends think we are being judgy and mean for ‘giving up on him’”

What, you mean making him as much their problem as yours? I would want to walk away from drink-driving, drugs and adultery. As this friend is now in his 40’s, he’s highly unlikely to change. Bin him off, or he’ll be a lifelong leech.

I gave up on a few old friends, their drama was to much and I was no longer getting anything out of the friendship, it’s difficult to let go of old friendships sometimes as you can feel obliged to maintain them

The older people like him get the more toxic and messed up they become, I have noticed that with a couple of x friends

I’d say cheerfully we aren’t stopping you from supporting him, but we are used up. UNLESS he still lives wirh you in which case big smile for your bloody rude friends, and ‘that’s awesome, I thought you’d think that- I already told him actually, so I’ll bring him and his stuff around tonight. Hes so grateful to have your support.’ Then I would transport all his things to your friends place and tell this person he can’t live with you, his stuff is at x’s and he can see if they will have him.

Why are you talking to mutual friends about it?

He doesn't live with you so just see less of him and don't buy him a drink.

It's causing problems because you're gossiping about him and they don't want him to be their problem.

It would be different if he’d developed cancer or his son had been killed in a car crash. Then you have a moral duty to help. But he’s clearly just lazy and selfish. There are plenty of people in this world who are lost and broken through no fault of their own, so it’s it’s hard to sympathise.