How to handle sports day this year?

[cadburyegg]

Sports day is next month and my ds7 is already worrying about it, bless him, and saying how much he hates it. He is the smallest in the year (0.4th centile), he’s hypermobile, he’s always last. My ds10 doesn’t much like it either but will take part begrudgingly.

I have considered taking ds7 out for the day considering he hates it but ds10 would be upset at the unfairness of it unless I take both of them out.

I was always terrible at sports and was last at everything. I wonder if there is a better way of dealing with things other than telling them “it’s not the winning that counts, it’s the taking part!” Surely making kids do races that they hate (my ds7 cried during his last year) isn’t actually very good for their development? Is there a happy medium between taking them out for the day and making them participate in everything? Can I tell them that actually they don’t have to do certain races? My two I think wouldn’t mind doing the egg and spoon / bean bags etc but the running and relay upsets ds7 in particular.

Or am I setting them up for a complete lack of resilience?!

My mother was never one for pulling sickies apart from on cross country day and sports day. “She’s a mathlete, she doesn’t need to be an athlete” she would say. Honestly it’s one of the best things she ever did for me because I was so shit at sports… soooo shit. I still am, apart from darts. Let him bunk off. We used to go to the transport museum on sports day, take him to do something like that, moderately educational so you don’t feel guilty.

They are old enough to understand that there's a difference between sports day and a typical school day. Just like PE is part of the typical school day so it has to be done but sports day isn't and it's supposed be fun so if it isn't fun then what's really the point?

I'm happily giving my DC the day off. We'll do something fun and constructive instead. Poor DC has had a couple of really awful sports days and they usually start stressing about it shortly after Christmas. That's a really good way to kill any motivation for sports and exercise.

Hmmm no actually. Kids with SEN are given work to their ability, don’t have their results paraded in front of the whole school and parents and don’t have to perform in front of the whole school and parents so no it’s not the same- at all

10 year old ds has a speech issue. It has improved with therapy but it's still present. He has been pushed into taking speaking parts in plays and leading assemblies in front of the whole school, parents and others since he started at 5. He's very conscious of it and isn't always comfortable with what he's asked to do. He does it though. So yes, I'd say it's comparable. In fact, at our school sports day is 2 hours a year... the plays, assemblies and other events ds has had to speak at in this academic year totals more than triple that so far.

I spoke to the school a couple of years ago as we were in a similar position to you (plus both autistic) and explained how I felt.

Told the school I wanted to take them out for the day instead and got the day off approved. They both loved it, and still talk about it and how much they appreciated me listening.

Speak to the teacher. They will have strategies for handling this. Maybe he can be given a special 'job' on the day to help, like organising the medals or writing the scores on the board.

It's difficult, because sports, by their nature, are competitive. It's not like pulling them out of all PE lessons. And if a dc hated the idea of going on stage they'd not be forced to have a speaking part at the nativity play.
Can you find out if there are "silly" races (eg egg and spoon, 3-legged, wheelbarrow, etc) that they could do, and skip the "proper" running races?

But if not and if they hate it that much then take them out of school that day (book eye tests or something), and try to spend a bit of the day doing something physical that they will like.

This would be my biggest concern too. As I mentioned in my other post, I’d worry that this would confirm all my kid’s fears about his ability and mean sports day was always something to fear. If he was older, I’d be more tempted to call it quits and just let him be home but he’s so young.

I just googled Olympians with hypermobility and there are some great ones - maybe it would help to have a chat with him about that and how his body is actually amazing!

To all those pps saying they need to do it to learn resilience and kids who struggle with maths and reading have to do it every day at school too. I say no, dc who struggle with sport should still have to do PE at school because that is the equivalent of non academic dc having to do maths/reading every day.

Sports day is like something from the dark ages and is the equivalent of making a child with dyslexia stand up in front of the entire school and all the parents in a spelling competition with the class’s best speller. And letting the parents scream and cheer at the top of the their lungs when Best Speller wins. That’s the equivalent. And nobody would think that was in good taste anymore.

Just fuck it off.

There are threads like this every year with catastrophising and caterwauling about terrible life lessons, claims about resilience when they clearly don't understand it and terrible analogies about maths. They don't get any less stupid with time.

Simply ignore it, keep him off and enjoy the entirely positive consequences of your sensible decision.

A lot of kids feel the same way about maths, or writing essays, or art, but they don’t get to sit those lessons out, or forgo the exams.

Totally agree. Sports days are an absolute waste of time and many kids hate it. Just skive and do something enjoyable, life is too short to put them through this crap.

And right on cue, a terrible analogy about maths!

They also don't have to do them in front of multiple year groups plus parents, in a manner that makes their ranking immediately obvious, and sometimes subjected to sympathy cheers from people who've recognised that they're not very good and imagine themselves to be helping.

Also, people absolutely get to forego art exams. Why on earth would you choose that as an example? At least go with a subject that's compulsory when trying to make an argument that's been refuted half a dozen times already!

They don't have to stand up in front of a class full of kids and be humiliated though do they? Sitting at a desk getting all the answers wrong isn't the same as coming last in every race in sports day.

My son has dyspraxia and is very uncoordinated. I would never keep him off for sports day. I know that might sound harsh but children these days have few real opportunities to build resilience.

When he was in year 1 and 2 he would get really upset. We praised his effort and practised running etc on the weekends leading up to it to build his confidence. Has it made him love athletics? No. But he gets on with it and accepts that everyone has strengths and weaknesses.

I'm in two minds about this tbh. I've had both a sporty go-getter, bags of confidence, good at most sports (ds, eldest, now 14) and a ND dd (8) who is prone to panic attacks - and last year had one before sports day. So I'm both sympathetic and acutely aware of the emotional impact things like this can have on a child's wellbeing.

With your youngest, op, can parents watch? Are there fun elements and team events or is it competitive every child for themselves? Ime infant school sports days usually consist of some round Robin team events, bouncy hoppers, beanbag throwing, welly wanging or whatever, followed by some 100m races.

When dd had her panic attack at the classroom door, I simply took her away from the classroom and explained to the teacher that she was present, but would likely sit it out until she was ready to participate. If that didn't happen, then she was there to cheer on her team mates, and if she did decide to participate then loads of praise for whatever limited involvement she had.

He panic attack and accompanying tummy ache subsided and she sat quietly with me watching. I made chatty conversation about it being her last sports day at infant school, so it was good she was taking part by cheering others on. Eventually, she saw a fun event she wanted to take part in (teddy on a parachute) and off she went. She returned to me again for a while, and then felt that she wanted to participate in the final 100m dash. She was proud of herself for overcoming her anxiety (providing her with a safety net and plan b was the game changer) and mentioned that as it was her final sports day at that school, she was pleased she wouldn't regret not taking part.

A lot of focus is put on building resilience, rightly or wrongly. The point though is that they do need to be supported to develop resilience where possible, with the right support in place. Because in life, we have to do things we don't want to, because opting out altogether isn't always either desirable or feasible. We begin learning this when we're very young. We don't need to throw our young children in at the deep end in order to improve their resilience (in fact doing so usually only achieves the opposite result). But i don't think it always has to be all or nothing - there's often a third way, which supports their development.

I'm already talking to dd's teachers about how we can approach sports day this year, so that dd can be supported to take part in some way.

Could you speak to school and ask if they can be involved some other way? At DS school I notice some kids don't do any races at all and instead they cheer on their classmates. Some kids also help out with the refreshments, setting up the races, etc. I don't think any child is forced to do the sports if they don't want to, but they all take part in some way.

They should give half days for sports days. Let those who want to compete do it. It doesn't build resilience at all for those who are crap at it, it's just a waste of everyone's time.

@Gloriia I got out of the parents race because I am pregnant but to be honest even if I wasn’t I’d have faked a limp.

I'd reframe it.

Ask them how they felt the race went. Focus on them and their race- without mentioning where they came in the race. I'd do this if they came first or last.

I do this with my kids. Especially when little. So they focused not on 'taking part' but 'doing their best'- just for them.

Eg 'in the middle of your event you really picked up the pace. How did you manage that energy burst?'

It's horrendous for some children.
I would speak to the teacher, my DS is 99 centile, his balance and coordination is shocking, in previous sack races, he has fell at the start, not able to get back in the sack, he was 5ft 2 aged 9, cue, giggling
I opt out of certain sports.
Is there one or two that he enjoys
Dreading it this year.

My ds10 was struggling with maths last year so now he goes to maths tutoring once a week. It has helped his confidence loads and takes the pressure off me as he gets older and the homework becomes more difficult. Maths is an essential subject up until age 16, so whilst he doesn’t have to be a mathlete he does need to pass his GCSE.

PE and sports day is not the same. He won’t do a PE GCSE unless he actively chooses to. Sports and exercise should be done for fun. I think everyone can find a form of exercise they enjoy, but a child who isn’t sporty is unlikely to discover it on sports day.

I agree with exercise versus sports day.

Not winning in the sprint race on sports day in primary- ever- shouldn't put a kid off doing exercise and being active.

I never won an event at a sports day ever- but go to the gym and enjoy it.

Taking a child out of school is fine, when they're young, and it's only 1 day. What happens when the child starts secondary school, and the sports day is spread over several days?! You take him (and his brother out this year), then what about next year, the year after etc? My son is in Year 9, and his sports events are held over 3 days - usually Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, in June, not even towards the end of term in July!! You'd be better talking to the school, and asking them for help to manage sports day. He perhaps can pick a sport to take part in or help out on the day? You won't always be able to step-in, it's part and parcel of life having to do or participate in something you don't like/enjoy/find difficult. For the record, I'm a child who detested PE!!

Cats I like the sound of your mum!

Loved that I listened to Dd. She’s self
conscious and hated failing so visibly. We did lots of reading in the garden that day instead. She got a 9 for eng lit gcse and an a star eng lit a level so it all ended up ok! Plus is quite sporty but still hates athletics and always will.