How to handle sports day this year?

[cadburyegg]

Sports day is next month and my ds7 is already worrying about it, bless him, and saying how much he hates it. He is the smallest in the year (0.4th centile), he’s hypermobile, he’s always last. My ds10 doesn’t much like it either but will take part begrudgingly.

I have considered taking ds7 out for the day considering he hates it but ds10 would be upset at the unfairness of it unless I take both of them out.

I was always terrible at sports and was last at everything. I wonder if there is a better way of dealing with things other than telling them “it’s not the winning that counts, it’s the taking part!” Surely making kids do races that they hate (my ds7 cried during his last year) isn’t actually very good for their development? Is there a happy medium between taking them out for the day and making them participate in everything? Can I tell them that actually they don’t have to do certain races? My two I think wouldn’t mind doing the egg and spoon / bean bags etc but the running and relay upsets ds7 in particular.

Or am I setting them up for a complete lack of resilience?!

Absolutely do not take them out.

Can you turn it into a celebration day - will you go and watch? Is there a family picnic?

Treat them to a movie and no homework night afterwards as a reward.

Moving your body is really important and sports day can be a really positive experience.

This.

If you/your DC feel humiliated at a sports day then the school is not doing it right.
Coming last in an event should not be a humiliating experience and the school and parents should be working with the children to help them see the value of exercise and taking part.
Can you work with your school, if so far they have not been very imaginative, in setting up some exercises that those who don't want to race would benefit from?
Eg. jogging/walking around the perimeter of the field/track a suitable number of times. No first/last positions, teachers and parents joining in.
Or taking part in an exercise or dance class.

I’ve just written a sick note for DS1 - 18 and DS2 -16. I wish I had let them skip it far earlier in their school career.

Excellent post

If you were at my dd's school then you turn up at 1.30pm. Watch the kids parade then watch them do 8 different activities - moving around the field. They're all competing for house points. It's frenetic and they all seem to enjoy it. The emphasis is on being active - throwing bean bags, egg and spoon etc
Then for the last 10 mins the fastest boy and girl from each class have a running race. (They do heats in school in the week before) They want to race the crowd goes wild cheering them on. All done by 3pm and then a bar.
Your school have chosen the way they do it. So choose your response. I'd take the kid out.

But reading test and maths tests aren’t undertaken in front of the entire school and parent body with everyone shouting at you todo better.

Boom. Exactly

but Op I do sympathise as someone who always won I didn’t like seeing others come last but as this poster has said it’s just a day for those who are good at sports to shine

The humiliation and misery of being forced to do sports day had an extremely negative effect on my self-esteem that followed me to adulthood. Far more than any depleted levels of ‘resilience’ that might have been the result of staying away. My dad died when I was 9, I learned about resilience pretty quick.

The extent to which you don’t get it is demonstrated by you thinking those coming in last ‘being loudly cheered on’ is a good thing - it’s a central part of the humiliation.

Clearly you are not someone who found sports day emotionally damaging, and you have zero ability to empathise with people different to you…

But struggling with reading isn't the same as struggling with PE/sports.
If a child isn't very good at reading the school isn't going to make them stand up in front of the school and all the parents to read a book.
If a child isn't very good at PE it's a case of oh never mind just embarrass yourself Infront of the school and all the parents.
I'd take them out for the day and have done this for my children, not every year, but there were a lot we did miss..
The other option is to talk to their teachers. Ask if they can only do a couple of events. If they say no, take them both out.

I disagree entirely. I was hopeless at games and PE. I couldn't hit the ball, was always last and one of the last to be picked. It was absolutely soul destroying. With hindsight I was almost certainly dyspraxic. If anyone had told off a child for being bad at maths or unable to read or if another pupil had laughed at them, there would have been outrage.

It made my school days most unpleasant and the day I left school, I was resolute that nobody would ever make me.throw, hit or catch a ball ever again.

Paradoxically, it's the alpha, sporty girls who stuck in a rut and stayed local in fairly dead end jobs, recreating the monotony of their provincial childhoods.

My friends and I were known as "the drips", notably by the PE teacher also (who was utterly vile, had a man's hair cut and wore lace-ups and insisted she had to watch us naked in the shower to make sure we washed).

We were hopeless at PE and never got picked. One is now CEO of a hospital Trust having done degree nursing (she should have done medicine), one is a senior financial analyst in the Pensions Industry and I also broke away and developed a good, professional career.

I remain unconvinced that the school system for the under 18s works or values sufficiently the skills that make for successful, adult lives. I couldn't draw, write neatly, do games or sing - I recollect no encouragement at school. I went to grammar school and was unremarkable, neither top nor bottom.

At work, I flew, I am convinced it was because school didn't quite knock the stuffing out of me.

Everyone at my school always cheers on the kids who come last, they seem to get the loudest cheers to be honest, does this not happen?

@DoRayMeMeMe your last point is quite worrying, a seven year old needs to learn to get on with it, even if he doesn't like it. That sounds like the mantra of a bully to me. Should people also just get on with racism, sexism, homophobia, religious intolerance, perhaps a bit if domestic violence, etc, with good grace?

No of course not, people need to co front the things that have the potential to harm them. Humiliation is one if them.

Exactly my experience too!

@LoveTKO
and you don’t think this makes it ten times worse? These are often the more academic and socially aware children who know fine well why the adults are clapping!

Our school does other events. If he hates it so much... Take him out and have a fun day

Oh yes, well it did for dd. She is nearly 27 now. It made her cry due to the humiliation. I let her have sports days off at primary - they were better at secondary. It didn't stop her taking a first at Cambridge or being a teacher described as inspirational by Ofsted.

Speak to the school.

I'd rather have a child in school with their friends than out but my school has supported occasional children with ASD (for example) being taken out for the half day if it's really distressing for them.

I have had a child who helps me 'steward' events and happily gives out stickers and celebrates their friends and enjoys the whole atmosphere but just doesn't feel able to take part.

There are many ways of taking part in the event without competing.

We are not all the same and shouldn't be treated 'the same'. PE is good for health and fitness but competitive events aren't necessary or appropriate for all.

We don't make everyone who learns a musical instrument perform in school concerts and we certainly don't make the ones who've never learnt or can't do it stand up and showcase their limitations to the world. We're not allowed to put academoc targets on the wall like we used to anymore because it's damaging to pupils' sense of sense and self esteem. But we still force all children to compete in sports regardless of their abilities or limitations. Why?

And, as a teacher, I disagree with that. There are ways of involving childen without humiliating them.

For some children, it's appropriate for them to be encouraged and included and taught resilience and it's the taking part that counts but, for some children, it's not.

Speak to the school. They will know your child and should be aware of what is appropriate for them.

@OldChinaJug you beat me to it with your suggestions, I agree with you.

I just feel that there's such a pervasive message that 'all children love PE' and sport is good for us that all the stuff around reasonable adjustments and adaptive learning and 'we know our children' fly out of the window when it comes to sports day.

It's good for children to have something physical they can learn and do, and keep doing throughout their lives. We all need to develop some physical skills - although we don't need to compete.

School sports is not that - I was terrible at team sports because I grew up in a place where all the other girls (so it seemed) played netball and/or hockey for local teams on Saturdays. I reckon some of them were born holding a netball or wearing shin pads!

I found my groove with the gym.

I wish that my school's PE had offered us a range of activities and taught us how to do things properly, rather than starting with competition from the first try at anything. And mockery if you failed.

So - can you take the initiative with your sons to find a physical activity they enjoy and can learn properly? Then school sports days are just another day, and they know that they're learning something else - which they enjoy - properly. I'm sure you could find some excellent non-competitive physical activities that could suit a hypermobile child.

A lot of community sports groups take teaching children proper form and training carefully, very seriously. For example, my gym (a private mainly weight lifting gym) has weight lifting and general functional fitness classes for DC from 8 or 9 years old. The instructor is amazingly well qualified and takes the training of DC in an age-appropriate way, really seriously.

i change my answer to this.

if your children can be involved by handing out stickers, setting up the equipment, person who tells the team when to clap etc then that I can get on board with and that way your aren’t teaching your kids that if you don’t want to do something because it makes you uncomfortable then you don’t have to

But he didn't have to read in front of the entire school and all the parents.

Resilience can be learned in many ways. Public humiliation isn't one of them.

But that's horrible. Ghastly. It's making me feel sweaty remembering it, and I left school a very long time ago. You don't want patronising cheers if you're last, you want everyone to turn around and leave you alone.

My school had a problem with bullying and sports day came with a delightful side order of whispers and giggles. As well as sporty girls' mums coming over to tell you how well you were doing, while sniggering. Of course we got bullied in class too, but so long as you didn't look like you were trying too hard at the work you were largely ignored.