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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Looking at women online v replying to women online

31 replies

PotassiumPermanganate · 06/05/2025 23:17

I'm in a semi-relationship with a man, we're not together but we see each other, and I think there are feelings on both sides. Recently I've spotted he's using a section of social media I rarely go on, but I got one of those 'people you may want to follow' notifications, with him as the suggestion. Now I do know men look at women online, I'm not stupid, they all do it. (Do they?) But he's replying to them. This to me is a whole step above. Do I confront him? Maybe I have no right as we are not officially together, but I don't want to just let it go, I've had too many relationships where I say nothing just to keep the peace. This has really thrown me as we have become very close and I've felt as if I can finally trust someone and let my guard down, and now this. Am I being a naggy girlfriend, or a social media stalker, or do I voice my feelings as a grown woman who has had enough disappointment in love?

OP posts:
Hamandpineapplepizza · 06/05/2025 23:21

What's a semi -relationship?

I think once you are together that's different, but at the moment it doesn't sound like this is a form commitment on either side?

Original poster
PotassiumPermanganate · 06/05/2025 23:55

I'm separated but still living with ex due to various reasons, and can't get into an official relationship due to his state of mind, to cut a long story short, and for want of better words. This man has been my escape and has made life more bearable, but now I wonder if this has been going on all along when I had imagined making a new life with him once the whole situation is sorted. Am I wrong to be upset?

OP posts:
Hamandpineapplepizza · 07/05/2025 00:10

PotassiumPermanganate · 06/05/2025 23:55

I'm separated but still living with ex due to various reasons, and can't get into an official relationship due to his state of mind, to cut a long story short, and for want of better words. This man has been my escape and has made life more bearable, but now I wonder if this has been going on all along when I had imagined making a new life with him once the whole situation is sorted. Am I wrong to be upset?

I think while you are still living with your ex , irrespective of the reasons, you can hardly police his behaviour

Original poster
PotassiumPermanganate · 07/05/2025 07:07

Do I just pretend I haven't seen it? I wish I hadn't. Ignorance is bliss as they say.

OP posts:
Agix · 07/05/2025 07:12

Not all men waste time oggling women online just as not all women waste time oggling men online.

If you're not in a relationship you don't really have the rights to say anything. You are fully within your rights to use this new information you have on his behaviour to decide whether you want to enter into a relationship with him or not though.

If you're not okay with it, don't be with him. Don't get with him and try to change him, that would be silly.

Init4thecatz · 07/05/2025 07:37

Hamandpineapplepizza · 07/05/2025 00:10

I think while you are still living with your ex , irrespective of the reasons, you can hardly police his behaviour

Show quote history

This.

Would you truly be at ease, or even trust a man who spent his nights with his ex? They could be blanking each other, or absolutely all over each other, and you'd never know.

I was in this EXACT situation. Someone I was interested in was living with their 'ex' for some time because their 'ex' needed to show cohabitation/relationship status for an unmarried partner visa (or something). It basically meant that every night they would be with their ex... Sure, we could spend nights out, but their time together was a mystery. It meant that I could never truly relax into a feeling of a relationship, and I can 100% promise you, he feels the same.

It might be that he's still scanning the horizon for partners, or it might be that he's just randomly chatting to people who will listen because he's lonely, you simply don't know. You also can't be 100% sure whether this isn't the (Facebook?) Algorithm simply showing you stuff that is completely unrelated.

But you can't really request/complain about his apparent lack of fidelity when you can't demonstrate the same.

LilacMay · 07/05/2025 07:53

I’m a bit confused. What social media is he on and what is he replying to these woman? How do you know he’s looking at their photos.

WinterFoxes · 07/05/2025 08:05

I voted YABU. To yourself. Clearly you want a monogamous relationship with respect and boundaries. So never settle for less. Don't guess whether a man has feelings for you. And never be the available bedwarmer while he browses better (in his opinion) options.

For your own sake, cool off and take some time alone to re evaluate what you want and what your standards are.

AliBaliBee1234 · 07/05/2025 08:57

LilacMay · 07/05/2025 07:53

I’m a bit confused. What social media is he on and what is he replying to these woman? How do you know he’s looking at their photos.

Second this - I don't get it

AspiringChatBot · 07/05/2025 09:07

It sounds like you and this man are "just" friends. While you may think that the relationship may change into being something romantic, you have no idea whether or not he also feels that way. So, I would handle this discussion as you would with a friend. If you think that his behavior is misogynist (it sounds like it), it's perfectly normal to confront him about it; that would be appropriate even in a totally platonic relationship. But if you are mainly upset not because he's ogling and objectifying women but because he's ogling and objectifying women who aren't you, chances are he's going to find your objections unreasonable since the two of you are not in an exclusively monogamous pair bond relationship.

Original poster
PotassiumPermanganate · 07/05/2025 10:13

@LilacMay @AliBaliBee1234 It's Threads. So like twitter it's just a timeline of posts and you can see replies, and on his page his replies are there underneath the pictures. For example, this woman has posted her photo with the comment "can I call you?" And he's replied "sure you can." Unless he's being sarcastic.... All I want is a bit of straightforward life.

OP posts:
NineteenSeventyNine · 07/05/2025 10:17

Most of those comments are from bots, so if he’s replying to them then it’s his intellect, rather than his lack of fidelity, that’s the problem!

AliBaliBee1234 · 07/05/2025 10:17

PotassiumPermanganate · 07/05/2025 10:13

@LilacMay @AliBaliBee1234 It's Threads. So like twitter it's just a timeline of posts and you can see replies, and on his page his replies are there underneath the pictures. For example, this woman has posted her photo with the comment "can I call you?" And he's replied "sure you can." Unless he's being sarcastic.... All I want is a bit of straightforward life.

oh yeah that's not a great sign even if he was single. Sorry OP :(

Original poster
PotassiumPermanganate · 07/05/2025 10:24

@NineteenSeventyNine yeah, that's actually what's annoyed me the most. These photos get posted hour after hour, and only an idiot would bother replying as if he's in with a chance. Thank you all. I think I've got all I need here.

OP posts:
Original poster
PotassiumPermanganate · 07/05/2025 11:23

The only thing now is he'll wonder why I'm not responding to him, and also I have a pair of trainers I bought online for him to give to his son. He'll think it's really strange if I just go round, drop them off and leave. Do I then say anything?

OP posts:
GoldDuster · 07/05/2025 11:26

If a straightforward life is all you want, back away from the semi-relationships.

GoldDuster · 07/05/2025 11:29

PotassiumPermanganate · 07/05/2025 11:23

The only thing now is he'll wonder why I'm not responding to him, and also I have a pair of trainers I bought online for him to give to his son. He'll think it's really strange if I just go round, drop them off and leave. Do I then say anything?

Yes! You go round with the trainers, if that's bothering you, and you hand them over, and say stick the kettle on, and you say I'm not going to have sex with you any more, I'm going to wait until my situation is a bit more clear before getting into anything regular.

It doesn't need to be any more complicated than that.

TipsyRaven247 · 07/05/2025 11:31

I read up until semi-relationship. YABU for getting worked up when he is not even your partner.

FeetLikeFlippers · 07/05/2025 18:47

PotassiumPermanganate · 06/05/2025 23:55

I'm separated but still living with ex due to various reasons, and can't get into an official relationship due to his state of mind, to cut a long story short, and for want of better words. This man has been my escape and has made life more bearable, but now I wonder if this has been going on all along when I had imagined making a new life with him once the whole situation is sorted. Am I wrong to be upset?

It sounds like you are thinking of it as
a potentially serious relationship whilst he is treating it as just a bit of fun. I think you should break things off before you get even more emotionally attached to someone who is clearly not going to give you what you want out of a relationship. But even if he did want something serious with you, the living with your ex thing wouldn’t be easy for him. I was once in a similar situation before (couldn’t move out of shared home with ex for a few months for financial reasons) but with a lovely man who wanted a proper relationship with me. He eventually broke it off because he couldn’t handle the idea of me going home to my ex every night.

Imbusytodaysorry · 07/05/2025 19:28

PotassiumPermanganate · 07/05/2025 11:23

The only thing now is he'll wonder why I'm not responding to him, and also I have a pair of trainers I bought online for him to give to his son. He'll think it's really strange if I just go round, drop them off and leave. Do I then say anything?

I’d be honest and say you don’t want to be with the local sleeze . Or that being openly creepy to other momen isn’t soemthing you look for in a man . He needs to grow up

Oldwmn · 07/05/2025 22:17

PotassiumPermanganate · 06/05/2025 23:55

I'm separated but still living with ex due to various reasons, and can't get into an official relationship due to his state of mind, to cut a long story short, and for want of better words. This man has been my escape and has made life more bearable, but now I wonder if this has been going on all along when I had imagined making a new life with him once the whole situation is sorted. Am I wrong to be upset?

I think you're investing too much with this man. You used the word 'escape' which is understandable given your situation but Beware! I speak from bitter experience. Sure, have a nice time but save committing yourself for when you've resolved your current situation &, even then, live for yourself & don't be in a hurry to get tangled up in another relationship.

asrl78 · 07/05/2025 22:48

Have you discussed with him whether or not you are exclusive? If not, you are both free to date other people until such time as you both decide you are in a committed relationship.

With the exception of people who's sexual magnetism is as powerful as the gravitational field around a black hole, dating one person at a time is going to make it very difficult if not near impossible to find a partner, since the odds of any one date developing into a relationship are very low. It is reasonable on the basis of statistics therefore, to date multiple people at the same time until you have the opportunity to decide whether or not to see someone exclusively.

TweetingHurricane · 07/05/2025 22:55

TipsyRaven247 · 07/05/2025 11:31

I read up until semi-relationship. YABU for getting worked up when he is not even your partner.

Partner or not, he’s shown himself to be a sleaze.

ThinWomansBrain · 07/05/2025 23:03

you don't feel he is committed because he is contacting women online
he probably feels you aren't committed because you choose to live with your ex.

RareFatball · 08/05/2025 05:56

You are not free to make a commitment to this man and he could well be thinking that something is still going on between you and your ex whilst still living under the same roof.
Therefor he perhaps feels he is free to persue other women seeing as there is no relationship commitment between you both.