Will everyone stop saying that new underwear and a mini break saves a dead relationship?!

[Gandalfatemyhamster]

Has it ever??
Every single thread where the wife/ partner is saying ‘I don’t fancy my husband any more, he makes my skin crawl, we have nothing to talk about, we haven’t had sex in nine years, we sleep in separate rooms, I dream of shagging my personal trainer’ the replies are the same!
So you go on the mini break, get dressed up, go to dinner, you might even let him poke you, and then what? Back to reality, back to routine, back to resentment. Surely strong, successful relationships don’t break down completely when you have children and have to do a bit of housework for each other?
I’ve been there and my god there was no saving it. It makes me wonder how many on MN are terrified of the alternative, single life, being happier alone, no guilt that him touching you makes your skin crawl and you dream of him falling asleep so you can watch what you want and not have to make small talk.
This isn’t about being smug, but saying that women deserve better. Your kids will cope and may well thrive. If it doesn’t feel right and you’ve tried counselling then cut your losses, you deserve to be in an intimate relationship. Marriage isn’t some purgatory or punishment for having children.

I’ve never seen any threads that say this.

Or me

Me neither! Where are these threads OP?

Literally never saw any thread on here with that advice

Are you reading Take A Break magazine and have got mixed up?

I was about to ask where these threads are because I’ve certainly never seen them….

You sound very bitter op.

I agree some relationships can't be saved but it is true that both parties can get complacent, take each other for granted and sometimes making a bit of an effort can be beneficial for both.

I've never seen any threads like this either. I think the OP has got us muddled with another place

I think most women are more scared of managing financially, finding a new home, managing the kids emotions, managing childcare, managing extended families etc etc. Just managing.

Actually being alone is far down the list.

I never believe in trussing yourself up in silly underwear even when times are good! ‘Sexy underwear’ reminds me of Benny Hill running after scantily clad young women who acted like they enjoyed it. No. That sexist shit can stay in the 70s where it belongs.

I’ve only ever seen similar suggested in situations where it’s appropriate - i.e. where it’s clear a couple have just let it drift and got stuck in a rut. In those circumstances, it’s good advice. I’ve never seen anyone recommend sexy pants.

If anything MN is far too full of “LTB” advice for the most trivial difficulty or infraction.

Are you reading woman and home circa 1982?

Who says that? My family advice to me was to cook my dh better dinners:)

I’d like a mini break and some new underwear.

My relationship is ok, but I’m happy to cause an argument if I get a holiday. Even a mini one.

Do you have any links to these threads, @Gandalfatemyhamster?

I too join the growing list of posters who have never seen such a thing.

I haven’t heard the words mini break since I read Bridget Jones Diary.

Even as a fairly new joiner of MN, I can categorically say I do not recognise this as the signature MN response to such a scenario! 😅

It’s not half bad advice for a couple who still love each other, get on well and - most importantly - don’t want to separate, but have found themselves in a rut where they’ve just become mum and dad trying to keep a household running and are neglecting their relationship with each other as a result. Spending some focused time together not thinking about any of those things and connecting as a couple can make all the difference. No, it’s not going to work if you’ve reached the point where you resent each other, make each other’s skin crawl and have no interest in spending time with each other - but I’ve never seen it offered in those circumstances.

The reality is that once you have children, it’s not quite as simple as just getting a divorce and either meeting a new fabulous partner, or living a wonderful single life. Dating as a parent isn’t easy, the options aren’t the same as when you’re fancy free, and nor is being a single parent trying to juggle childcare and run two households on one income each. Being realistic about whether your relationship is truly over, or whether you’re just looking at greener grass is important.

On Mumsnet?
Have you taken a wrong turn?

Who TF is saying that?! hahahahaha - are you sure our reading mumsnet? The likely replies would be 'youre a mug - leave now' 'run, and run fast' 'get a good lawyer'

My thoughts exactly. Dh and I get on great, most of the time, but I really fancy a weekend in Greece. I could start a fight for that.

“D”P has said d I’m being ridiculous and that he won’t argue with me, even if I do get new knickers and a weekend in Sardinia.

Should I LTB 🤔

ok the thread
‘putting my happiness on the back burner for the sake of the family unit’

I haven’t seen this on a thread but the general idea that it can be a really good idea to take a little trip with your partner when you’re in the trenches of kids/work/house/life. It’s easy to forget how it feels to have time and effort to spend on your partner, to share a bottle of wine and a nice meal, and just chat to each other. Not to be rushing to the next club or to cook dinner or get the bedtime routine done, sometimes that little break is exactly what you need to remind you why you decided to build a family with that person in the first place.

When you have children and pets and a house and work it can be so easy to neglect your relationship and yourself, you put yourselves last, a little break to put yourselves first can make a big difference for some people.