Will everyone stop saying that new underwear and a mini break saves a dead relationship?!

[Gandalfatemyhamster]

Has it ever??
Every single thread where the wife/ partner is saying ‘I don’t fancy my husband any more, he makes my skin crawl, we have nothing to talk about, we haven’t had sex in nine years, we sleep in separate rooms, I dream of shagging my personal trainer’ the replies are the same!
So you go on the mini break, get dressed up, go to dinner, you might even let him poke you, and then what? Back to reality, back to routine, back to resentment. Surely strong, successful relationships don’t break down completely when you have children and have to do a bit of housework for each other?
I’ve been there and my god there was no saving it. It makes me wonder how many on MN are terrified of the alternative, single life, being happier alone, no guilt that him touching you makes your skin crawl and you dream of him falling asleep so you can watch what you want and not have to make small talk.
This isn’t about being smug, but saying that women deserve better. Your kids will cope and may well thrive. If it doesn’t feel right and you’ve tried counselling then cut your losses, you deserve to be in an intimate relationship. Marriage isn’t some purgatory or punishment for having children.

Thread ‘if you’ve regretted leaving’

@Mrsttcno1but then you’re back to being unhappy, too busy, feeling put upon and unappreciated. Surely your partner making an effort when things are tough makes him/ her more fanciable. It would definitely be a turn off for me if they only wanted me when they were a bit pissed and we were in Ibiza!

YABU. On a few of the gazillions of failing relationship threads, the occasional person will suggest something like that. The vast, vast majority of posters either suggest ending the relationship, or they ask more detail about how the relationship has got to this stage. Actually, the go-to question is often 'Does he do his fair share of the domestic load?'

@AllProperTeaIsTheftthat’s bollocks, all you get is variations of ‘the grass isn’t greener you know?’ ‘All marriages feel like hard work at times’ ‘What about your children?’ Etc etc. It’s so patronising for these women who I imagine aren’t considering ending their marriage lightly. Usually ones where there is a complete lack of intimacy, and then the OP is treated like some monster for wanting sex or not wanting sex with a man who has become like a brother to her!

Eh?!! This is Mumsnet mate, we wail LTB at a badly stacked dishwasher!

I’ve seen it suggested occasionally, but not by the vast majority of posters. Obviously if your relationship is in such a state, it won’t solve anything.

Far more often, in cases like you describe, posters ask questions about the relationship, and based on the answers, may suggest counselling separately and/or together or advise splitting up.

I thought exactly the same thing!

See no I disagree with that, sometimes that break is exactly the reset everybody needs to get your head back straight. A reminder to put time and effort into your relationship and then continue to find time to do that even when you go back to busy life, for a lot of couples its a circuit breaker that makes a long term difference. It can remind you that there is actually a relationship worth fighting for and can be the catalyst for change when you are back into routine. Nobody is saying 2 days on holiday fixes a relationship, it’s the fact those 2 days for lots of couples is a reminder that actually they do love each other, they do have something worth fighting for, they do want to still be together once the kids are up and gone, and so they then continue to make changes and make more effort long after those 2 days are over.

LTB. That's shocking behaviour from him.

DH said much the same, then offered me the last ice cream bar. I'm calling the solicitor in the morning.

Are we on different websites? Truly never seen that advice here, generally it's the complete opposite

I know the thread you mean, but it’s being realistic.

If you’re with an otherwise good man, do you really want to torpedo you and your children’s life so you can have a few disappointing shags off Tinder to then be single and poor.

In those threads it’s not that they want to be single, it’s that they think they will find another man who is amazing in bed, single, will take on their kids AND the exact same boredom wont happen again.

Maybe we LTBs and go to Sardinia?

@Hammy19and yet I’ve referenced two recent threads which no one has spoken about, clearly the unspoken is that the MN masses think they are very progressive but actually want women to stay married and miserable ‘for the children’.

I have literally never seen anyone say that op

@CraftyNavySealnone of those things are definite though. I’m single and haven’t shagged anyone for three years. I own my house and my children are thriving. Many women will be much, much happier. Possibly busier, possibly poorer, but rather that than being pawed at by some man who repulses you.

I think you need to look up the meaning of the word “everyone”

Don’t forget ‘get your ducks in a row’

Been here 12 years. Never seen this.

🦆🚣‍♂️🦆🚣‍♂️🦆🚣‍♂️🦆🚣‍♂️🦆🚣‍♂️🦆🚣‍♂️🦆🚣‍♂️🦆🚣‍♂️🦆🚣‍♂️🦆🚣‍♂️🦆🚣‍♂️🦆

I'll get my coat.

I don't think I've ever seen this said.

But not all stuck in a rut phases are the same for all couples, and sometimes it truly is the case that time to focus on one another and the relationship away from the trials of normal life does wonders. Obviously if you're at the stage of resenting one another it isn't likely to rekindle something that's still burning away.

So is anyone bothering to read the threads I’ve listed or just choosing not to believe me? I’ve got better things to do than make it up

Fair enough, I shan't say that any more.

In that thread she said there was no sex at all though. She didn’t want to be single, she thought it would be magic and rainbows with amazing sex with other imaginary men.

It’s one thing if you don’t want to be with your husband anymore, it’s another if you think the grass is greener.

@CraftyNavySealbut the grass could be greener! I have friends who have amazing, incredible sex and make strong connections with people on their child free weekends. They are still amazing parents the rest of the time and don’t intend to try to blend families or make their kids meet the people they date. Why do people assume that those who have been in boring, domestic type relationships for years want to go straight back into another one?

I couldn’t find the first one and did actually find one post like your description on the second one. I’ve read a hell of a lot of threads on the Relationships board though. There aren't many posts like that, so I still don't see where you're getting your 'everyone' from. If you're expecting absolutely all posts to be sensible and in agreement with your views, I'm afraid you're being a little unrealistic. Incidentally, I agree with you entirely about that kind of post. I just don't see many of them.