Want another baby even though I shouldn’t

[JIMER202]

I have 2 wonderful children (4 and 16 months).

I have bad endometriosis and so am having surgery in August for that. I found out a few years ago that I carry a higher risk gene for ovarian cancer, and my surgeon suggested a tubal as a lot of ovarian cancer begins in the tubes.

I have so many logical reasons for being done with 2, which I will list below, but I just can’t shake the feeling of wanting another baby and I feel like I’m starting to grieve. My heart hurts like it does when I had secondary infertility, even though I don’t even know if I would actually want the reality of another baby. It’s like I’m confusing myself.

Reasons to be done (in random order)

-My husband is 2 and done. He was happy to be 1 and done but we agreed to have another as I didn’t feel our family was complete.

-One of my children has a genetic issue that we have a 1/4 chance of passing on to any other children. My child is thriving and doing amazing, his Drs are actually amazed but we could run the risk of another child having a more severe version of the same issue.

-I have ADHD and having a second child brought to the forefront how reliant I am on routine, structure etc to get my children to school on time, to keep the house tidy, to stay on top of laundry. I feel like I just about cope with 2. I at times get overwhelmed and have to work hard to self regulate. I don’t want my existing children to suffer if a 3rd would push me over the edge stress wise and impact getting them to school on time, uniforms clean etc. One of my children has ADHD traits and so a calm home is key for him.

-We just got to the part where our youngest is sleeping through. He had CMPA and his newborn phase was horrendous. 20 nappies a day, needing constant bathing as his skin was raw from CMPA reactions, he cried all the time.

-I have high risk pregnancies with lots of extra appts, I developed an autoimmune issue after my 1st delivery that flared after my second delivery. My second was born 5 weeks early.

-COL is really high and I know we could give 2 more opportunities we wouldn’t be able to afford with 3.

-We live in Aus and it’s expensive enough for us to just travel back to the UK and so right now we manage about every 4 years. If we had another child this would make it impossible for me to fly with all 3 alone until they are much older and is much more expensive.

-We would need to get a bigger and different car. My children would go from having their own rooms to needing to share.

-We have no real social support and no family due to being in Aus and so parenting falls on my husband and I 24/7 with some occasional babysitting breaks but it’s hard and intense. Our village isn’t here. I’m not working because we have no fallback if our children get sick or have daytime appts. I plan on going back to work when my youngest is in full time education.

Logially 2 would be best for my health, my children’s wellbeing, is what my husband wants. I just can’t shake this feeling of grief over not having any more babies. I feel like I’m regretting the tubal before I even have it! Please bash some sense in to me. Has anyone else felt this way and then come to your senses? Am I being hugely selfish??

I get it.
I have a list as long as my arm of all the reasons why we really shouldn’t have a 4th. And logically I know all of those reasons are good - even the selfish ones!
BUT
That list came about after we lost twins last year, and I can’t shake the feeling that pops up every few days about another baby. And then I tell myself that I don’t want another baby, I just want the ones we lost.

Our hormones are incredibly powerful. Yours are flooding you and urging you to have another baby despite this being a bad idea in every other practical way.

Luckily, humans have evolved beyond hormonal urges and use our developed logical brain to think through decisions, considering other issue rather than just what our bodies want in that moment.

I am so, so very sorry. I’m sure that makes it even harder and I understand what you’re saying about wanting your babies, not even just a random future fictional baby. You’re grieving the babies that you already had.

I also love babies, and when I see one in the street, I feel like I'd love to have a third child (my children are school-age now). But then I think back when I had a baby, I was frustrated I was off paid work, and it felt like looking after a baby is a lot of work (like you, I don't have family around, and my partner is busy).
I think my feeling about having a baby is due to:

• I idealise babies because they are cute
• but the reality (changing nappies, being sleep deprived, costs etc...) is completely, entirely different
• I usually like what I don't have (I also often think I made wrong career choices)... but this needs to change, as otherwise, I will be constantly dissatisfied
• We only have ONE health. Having a job and children is a struggle and is affecting my health badly. I would say (based on what you wrote): Do not sacrifice your health for another baby.

Ask yourself: why do you want another child? ie. What is causing the feeling that you need another child?
How did you feel/cope when your kids were babies?

Love this and it’s so spot on! I actually said to my husband I know I want the fictional version of a baby, not the reality. The truth is my second baby wrecked us (not his fault) because he never slept, was sick constantly and had constant blowouts until his CMPA was diagnosed. I also just love babies!! Surgery feels very final and I think I’m rebelling against that because it’s in my nature to always want to not be told what to do too!

3 is a magic number. 3 relationships amongst your kids, not just one. Sorry to others who disagree (having fewer or more!) but that 2rdchild is magical, i found completed our family...

I’m actually one of 3 and hated it!! I’d have liked to be 1/2 or 1/4 I think!

My siblings always left me out. I hadn’t even thought of that till just now! 😆

I think you should think about what the consequences might be for your existing kids- if you struggle with executive function, then it will be harder, if your child has ADHD then that will make it harder, as would a child with an inherited genetic condition, and you suffered badly in previous pregnancies and might again. It also means that if you are homesick, and want to come back to the UK you simply wouldn't be able to do so for a long time. So while a 3rd child would be lovely, the cost to your body and to your existing kids is quite high.

Sorry you were left out! I and DP both 1 of 3, my fam close in age (less than 3 years, me middle), still close to my younger brother but not the older (think he’s in the spectrum but incredibly successful (not me!)

Having read your list, it is very clear that you should definitely not have another baby.

This is how I feel exactly. I desperately would love a 3rd however for my own mental state I won't do it. There is a 9year age gap between my 2 dc and would love for the younger to have a sibling closer to his age however for all the reasons you stated I feel it would be selfish of me.

After reading your list, you’d be incredibly selfish to have another baby. Cherish the two you have.

My husband is 2 and done. He was happy to be 1 and done but we agreed to have another as I didn’t feel our family was complete

Even if this was the one and only reason on your list of 'cons', it would still be sufficient and would outweigh any 'pros' in my opinion.

I would hate to be pressured into having another baby my partner knew I didn't really want.

The fact your a nigh risk preganacy and have autoimmune condition alone would be a huge no from me.

This. And the longing for some people doesn’t stop. Me and oh agreed on 2, I begged for one more which he agreed on. After number 3 I was even more desperate for a fourth than I had been for any of the others, which would have been the wrong choice really for reasons nowhere near as severe as yours. My oh ended up getting the snip after about 8 years of me nagging to put an end to my nonsense

It’s your hormones, seriously they are evil.

I had 4 and still wanted more and sobbed in pre-op prior to being sterilised.

It’s an end of an era and it is a big deal and emotional etc. You know logically it’s the right decision, it just takes time for your hormones to catch up.

There’s a difference between you deciding you don’t want another baby and your body making that choice for you. Even if you can logically look at all the reasons not to have a baby.

Realistically you aren’t going to have another baby because of all the reasons you’ve said, including that your husband doesn’t want another. But you’ve been told you can’t, someone external to your family has made that decision for you. You just need to go through the grief that you’ve not made this decision.

It's definitely the ADHD making you rebel, we don't half hate being told what to do and I said this as soon as I read your post 🤣 I think maybe if you decided to have the operation yourself you would maybe feel different. All I would add is think about the impact it had on you all last time, could you do that again? Also what if the high risk pregnancy left your current two without their mum? Looking at your list definitely stick with the two! Husband and I were one and done and still are ... Undiagnosed and unmedicated ADHD at the time mixed in with severe pnd oyaaaaa I could never go through that again!! Xx

I would be the first person to say go for a third and you never regret a baby etc etc but your list is really compelling. I think for the sake of your own health and the health of the potential baby plus all the external factors of travel/ house costs etc you should stick with two. As a PP said, you may not feel done after a third so it might not change anything. I think grieving the stage where you have grown and birthed babies is completely natural and normal but you can enjoy the next exciting phase now

You might have twins. Then you'd suddenly have 4 children. That could be the breaking-point for your DH and your marriage. I know of a lady who pressured her DH into having a 3rd child he didnt really want and then it was triplets!! no thank you.

Multiple autoimmune diseases, multiple reasons to be high risk and need to see ob for us and tests before i even think about conception,need hormones etc family lives 2400km away- 5 children (sections)and i could not imagine it any other way. Why fosent family visit you while the kids are little?

2 kids who will stand by their mother vs one looser of a man- you would choose the man? Seesh

This is such a good additional point too! My husband has said he would definitely be ok if we had a third but for all our reasons listed he feels that the best choice is to be done with two. I logically agree with him fully, it’s just I’m grieving it I think.
I actually have two friends that have had unplanned twins and it’s been very challenging for them even with family help. For us, it would be a real struggle.

My Mum has been out 3 times already. The costs are really prohibitive and my family in the UK are honestly struggling with the cost of living. My parents divorced and my Mum is struggling. My brother also lives abroad which adds another factor. My grandparents are too elderly for the long haul flights. My friends too have young children and I think when you’re the one that has moved that people always expect you to travel.

Thank you. This really has resonated with me a lot. I had fertility issues and so I feel so lucky to have had my two and the idea of almost ‘giving away’ my fertility adds a layer to it as well I think.