Want another baby even though I shouldn’t

[JIMER202]

I have 2 wonderful children (4 and 16 months).

I have bad endometriosis and so am having surgery in August for that. I found out a few years ago that I carry a higher risk gene for ovarian cancer, and my surgeon suggested a tubal as a lot of ovarian cancer begins in the tubes.

I have so many logical reasons for being done with 2, which I will list below, but I just can’t shake the feeling of wanting another baby and I feel like I’m starting to grieve. My heart hurts like it does when I had secondary infertility, even though I don’t even know if I would actually want the reality of another baby. It’s like I’m confusing myself.

Reasons to be done (in random order)

-My husband is 2 and done. He was happy to be 1 and done but we agreed to have another as I didn’t feel our family was complete.

-One of my children has a genetic issue that we have a 1/4 chance of passing on to any other children. My child is thriving and doing amazing, his Drs are actually amazed but we could run the risk of another child having a more severe version of the same issue.

-I have ADHD and having a second child brought to the forefront how reliant I am on routine, structure etc to get my children to school on time, to keep the house tidy, to stay on top of laundry. I feel like I just about cope with 2. I at times get overwhelmed and have to work hard to self regulate. I don’t want my existing children to suffer if a 3rd would push me over the edge stress wise and impact getting them to school on time, uniforms clean etc. One of my children has ADHD traits and so a calm home is key for him.

-We just got to the part where our youngest is sleeping through. He had CMPA and his newborn phase was horrendous. 20 nappies a day, needing constant bathing as his skin was raw from CMPA reactions, he cried all the time.

-I have high risk pregnancies with lots of extra appts, I developed an autoimmune issue after my 1st delivery that flared after my second delivery. My second was born 5 weeks early.

-COL is really high and I know we could give 2 more opportunities we wouldn’t be able to afford with 3.

-We live in Aus and it’s expensive enough for us to just travel back to the UK and so right now we manage about every 4 years. If we had another child this would make it impossible for me to fly with all 3 alone until they are much older and is much more expensive.

-We would need to get a bigger and different car. My children would go from having their own rooms to needing to share.

-We have no real social support and no family due to being in Aus and so parenting falls on my husband and I 24/7 with some occasional babysitting breaks but it’s hard and intense. Our village isn’t here. I’m not working because we have no fallback if our children get sick or have daytime appts. I plan on going back to work when my youngest is in full time education.

Logially 2 would be best for my health, my children’s wellbeing, is what my husband wants. I just can’t shake this feeling of grief over not having any more babies. I feel like I’m regretting the tubal before I even have it! Please bash some sense in to me. Has anyone else felt this way and then come to your senses? Am I being hugely selfish??

Pay for your mums ticket either way its going to cost you. Grandparents- might have to do with video calls. Same for friends. Maybe you dont want another child that badly and not in a bad way, if you did everything else would second you creating your own family and life would be your priority.

Hey OP,

I don't agree with people who say "when you have a third you'll want a fourth, etx". That hasn't been my experience at all. I have a third and I am utterly done. A colleague announced her pregnancy a few weeks ago and I was so excited for her, and so relieved it wasn't me ! If I'd stuck to two she'd definitely have been sad/envious/nostalgic.

This said you have very compelling reasons to stick to two, and there are many benefits to stopping there too, especially with costs rising.

Forget about the op. Today you can have a third if you want. Would you ? Could you ?

I think your feelings are about giving up your fertility rather than the third child you already know you probably can't afford to have on every level. And it's perfectly reasonable and understandable to feel this way.

I think I’ve realised another big part of it is that I would have another if I had more support. Both with being in the same country as my family and friends, if we had involved grandparent help and if my husband was a more supportive partner. On the surface he practically does things with our children, but he really let me down both times postpartum in terms of mental health and emotional support. I have given up so much to support his career and live in his home country and I think a third baby is part of my overall resentment towards him too. If he was kind and respectful and actually supportive or able to recognize the sacrifices made to live over here then I would have a third.

I think this is another reason not to have a 3rd, if you are not getting any emotional support from your husband. a 3rd would no doubt impact your mental health, less sleep, less time for yourself, less headspace etc…

I do know how you feel my husband let me down big time also. We had a missed miscarriage after my DS. Once I was pregnant after the miscarriage I had massive pre-natal anxiety throughout the entire pregnancy until birth. It was so isolating :(

I do agree with others it’s probably hormones. I would definitely stop with your 2 and just enjoy it :)