Am I a terrible daughter

[rosedahlialily]

Am I a terrible daughter for feeling this way about my relationship with my mother.

i want to start by saying that i love my mother deeply but my relationship with her is feeling very strained and I believe it’s going to get worse and I’m not sure what to do for the best.

For context, my mother is in her early 70s and I’m in my late twenties and due to have my first child with DH. My mother has lived alone and not dated for the last 15 years or so. My father has never been on the scene. I’m an only child.

We are very close but since I can remember I have been a crux for my mother mentally and emotionally. She is a very gentle and devotes her life to her large extended family of brothers and sisters, but shields them from her mental health issues. She is long term grieving a very close family member after dedicating the last few years to being their primary carer. I’m the only person in the world who she confides in. She doesn’t have any friends outside of her family, even though she could have many given her warm personality.

I’m about to go through a massive life change becoming a mother for the first time, but I’m worried knowing this will mean I won’t have the physical or mental capacity to be there for my mother like normal. Some things that concern me are:

she regularly says “I don’t know what I would do without you” “I couldn’t live without you”

her age has rapidly caught up with her and will ask me to do even the smallest of tasks for her when she can, such as turning a TV on, booking train tickets or helping her cut up a steak for example if we are out for dinner. She will just say she can’t do it and won’t try.

her physical health has declined but she is stubborn about looking after her body properly. She doesn’t cook meals for herself and sometimes it feels like her body is just falling apart.

she is financially secure in the sense that she has a comfortable home but has very little disposable income, which is ok as I enjoy spoiling her and have taking her on all her nice holidays and days out since I was 18. she appreciates this so much but the emotional burden is a lot when she says ‘I would never do anything special if it wasn’t for you’

ive tried talking to her so many times over the years but she is very vulnerable and actually very stubborn when it comes to talking any of my suggestions.

i know she won’t be around forever which is why i feel so guilty thinking these things, how can I feel better about what’s to come and her being ok without hurting her feelings and AIBU

i have struggled with my own mental health in the past due to childhood trauma but gotten on top of it with DH support, anti depressants and therapy. I need to be top of my game to be the best mom I can be. Please be kind!

You already know your child will have to come first.

I'm sorry OP, this sounds hard. Maybe Mum will surprise you and be a lot more gracious/understanding than you expect?

If she needs additional practical help when you're not around as much anymore, there are benefits your mum might be able to claim to enable her to be issued a carer - talk to your local council or local adult social care if you're worried.

I have no more advice on this, just wishing you well. You must be a lovely daughter for your mum to love having you around so much, but I bet you'll be an even lovelier mum!

Very kindly you need to put yourself first. My dm is very similar and last year was the first year I could not be what she wanted or expected me to be emotionally. I just could not longer absorb all her emotions on top of mine. I am much older than you so have been doing this dance for many years. Our relationship imploded as she just couldn't see or understand that I had things going on. She is and was totally self absorbed. When I was ok then all was ok. So for you I would gently begin putting in some boundaries. It is hard but I wish I had done it more gently many years ago. The I cannot live without you, I could not do anything without you is manipulation really. I am an only too and understand that there are often complex emotional dynamics when you have always been there but you will have other responsibilities now. It is so hard.

It’s clear you and your mother have a close bond but you don’t bring children into the world to then expect them to become their personal therapist. Your mum most likely doesn’t realise she is putting this pressure on you.

It can be quite common for close friends/family, partners to emotionally offload but that’s why boundaries need to be put in place.

Having a child is a massive life change and you will know baby is now your main priority which means you won’t be able to give your mum what she she expects from you.

You do not need to announce anything to your mum especially as you don’t want to cause upset but you can put boundaries in place when situations arrive.

For example

”OP I’m having a bad day can I pop over for a chat?” - sorry mum, I can’t see you today as I have plans to go to a baby group. Are you free Friday?

”OP can I call you tonight I need to talk to someone” - sorry mum I can’t call tonight. We can discuss things in person when I see you next week.

”OP we haven’t been out for lunch in a while” - I know mum, but I’m on maternity leave and can’t pay for us to go for lunch like I used too, I can pop over for dinner soon.

You need to put your baby and yourself first. You mum is deliberately infantilising herself by expecting you to do the most simple of tasks that someone in their early 70s should definitely be doing for themselves like switching on the TV and cutting up her own food. She is making herself entirely dependant on you and emotionally blackmailing you at a time when you should be concentrating on your own health and wellbeing as you are about to have a baby.

She’s not vulnerable- she’s manipulative

do some research into enmeshment and parentification

The proof will show itself as soon as baby is born, most grandparents will completely understand that the new baby takes priority so OP will realise soon if her mum is being manipulating and expecting too much or if she backs off and gives her space with baby

are you close to any of your aunts and uncles? if so, can you ask one of them to support your mum or keep an eye on her when you are busy with the baby.

My mother would never say or do hurtful things to me, quite the opposite in that she is quite overbearing in her love. I’m not expecting her to react badly when the baby is here, I’m just expecting that her presence and reliance on me will be way way too much. She is likely to want to spend all her time with the baby and ‘be helpful’ but it will feel like the opposite as she is so doddery and accident prone now. she assumed she would be at the birth as it’s ’her dream to see a baby born’. I have set a boundary around this and explained that her own mother wasn’t at my birth so I don’t have to do that.

I will do this and have done this before, but they see my mom is doing absolutely fine as she shields them from everything she thinks and feels, which is where the challenge is. They regularly say ‘we don’t worry about you being on your own as you have X (me)’

It’s ok to say, “I’m sorry that doesn’t work for me”. Start getting comfortable saying ‘no’. YANBU.

Turning a TV on?! You aren’t a terrible daughter, her expectations and requests are way off l am afraid. It’s not your fault she relies on you so much. It sounds like she has a wider family who could potentially support. It’s not your fault she isn’t very open with them. I think you need to start gently managing her expectations more e.g. like you did about the birth. For example the day after getting out of hospital then l doubt turning her TV on will be a priority

Sending sympathy. My relationship with my own mother has been tricky since l had children. I think she thought having children would mean l have more time to support and indulge her but l really don’t (not sure why she thought l would!). I regularly get told how selfish and dreadful l am 🙄. Reality is l am run ragged as l have twins, work full time and my own health has gone down hill in this time. It often feels subconsciously like it’s a competition between her and my children in her mind

She will honestly understand when you have a baby you need to establish boy diaries early on. Say you are super tired. I will bring baby round on Saturday... And stick to it.
Let her help you. This may be a chance for her to feel needed. Ask her would she out a wash on for you , little easy things, cook an easy meal. Etc. But .. when you ask

You aren’t a terrible daughter the same way she isn’t a terrible mum.

But the basis of your relationship needs to change because you are about to become a daughter and a mum.

you need to out in boundaries and make it clear that your DC needs you and you can be there at X Y or Z time.

Family dynamics are complex but you have a right to set your own boundaries.

Sounds v much like my DM. If you don't change the dynamics now, I promise you, it'll just get worse.
Unfortunately, you'll have to be a bit brutal if she's not realised how her behaviour is impacting you. You need to explain how you can't be doing all the previous stuff you did, with having a baby...'sorry mum but you're going to have to take a back seat from now on as I can't do everything with you plus a baby'.

She won't be happy but she'll have to learn to accept it. The more you say no to her, the easier it'll be in the long run.

Is there not any clubs she can join, flower arranging, historical societies, bridge, bingo , coffee mornings, volunteering, etc etc , that might get her to focus on something other than her family
She’s really not that old at 70

I know what I say will not be very popular here, but if my mother were this poorly, I'd probably moved her in or moved in with her. It's obvious that she needs your help. It's difficult, because you're now yourself about to become a mom. Would that be even possible - could she help you out with a baby in such a scenario? It's a terrible situation, I know... is there anyone else that could help her and keep her company - her siblings maybe?

And risk become a carer to an elderly parent as well?! There’s very little help that can’t be bought. Start encouraging this now. The needs of someone at the end of life don’t trump those of others in the prime of theirs.
Any child that has moved a parent in that I know has ended up on an antidepressants.
OP do NOT do this.

Her siblings definitely do keep her company. I can’t move my mother in with me. Especially now I’m having a baby. It would be the end of my marriage most likely. I feel in her early 70s she shouldn’t be so reliant on me, but perhaps I’m wrong?
im only 28, she had me late. I feel like she is fortunate that I can support her emotionally, financially etc. some of my friends the same age still live in house shares or at home and they have very different relationships with their parents

The fact that you felt you had to give her a reason she couldn't be at the birth really shows how enmeshed and parentified you are. Second the suggestion on reading up on it and emotional incest. You are her surrogate husband, not sexually, emotionally. I sympathise, as a vey small child my mum said she'd kill herself if it wasn't for me. Also listen to the Patrauma party podcast, couple of episodes on enmeshment.

It sounds as though she has made herself more elderly than she really is. She doesn't eat properly or look after herself but this is all her choice. You have been parentified by her so that you have always looked after her, rather than the other way round. You will need all your attention to be on your new baby and your mum will have to stop relying on your so much.

I say this with kindness....your Mother doesn't love you. She loves what you bring to her life and what you provide for her.

My guess is that she's a covert narcissist

Certainly she has parentified you and you are horribly enmeshed ....neither of which indicate love

Its so difficult for you because you are so young but you need to find ways to draw some strong and bullet proof boundaries now, before baby

I've been where you are. It took me til I was 38 to START the boundaries

Dreadful waste of a LOT of my life

Your mother has parentified you as she's aged and become totally dependent. It's very unhealthy both physically and mentally for both of you. It's draining you physically, mentally, and financially.

I mean, she won't cut her damn food or click a remote button. That is a horrific degree of learned helplessness and you've enabled it.

You're going to have to concentrate on your truly vulnerable infant. Your baby needs you for survival. That is your full time job. Boundaries.

Your mom's going to have to adult. She has family but they probably won't enable her degree of helplessness.

If she could be a responsible carer for a family member, she can care for herself.

With all kindness, you're completely enmeshed with your mother, which is understandable considering some of the past experiences you described. I also expect things will become more difficult once baby arrives with more statements of vulnerability and urgent need coming up from mum.

I'd suggest you speak to the wider family. Only because your mum refuses help, it does not mean you need to refuse it too.

Your mother is a covert narcissist and you are the parent in the relationship, and that’s probably the way it’s been since you were old enough to listen. She has made your responsible for her needs, her happiness, well being and every aspect of her life. Therefore tying you indefinitely into the fabric of her life, serving her and looking after her.

I also thought my mother was an absolute angel, I adored my mother. My dh was the only person who questioned the dynamic, and said so. She was my whole world. She made sure of it.

When I had my first baby she decorated her spare room and thought we would raise the baby together. It would be something we would do together and initially it broke my heart to say I had different ideas. Wanted to make friends with other mothers etc and enjoy my own baby. I felt so awful and guilty and mean. She tainted so much of those years with her quietly but persistent demands. I felt I had two dc and was completely overwhelmed. Her insistence on being a priority helped me to see she was doing this for HERSELF not for me. I noticed when my baby was rushed to hospital that she was most interested in how this impacted her not my baby - nor me.

She was incredibly helpful at times. By the time I had my second child she had become really quite difficult, creating drama for attention and making everything about her. There was a lot of tension. I began to see that she was constantly manipulating me to get her own way. I tried to reason with her. Explain how hard it was, but nothing worked, she resorted to creating medical emergencies and such like.

I moved house in the end, and she hit the roof, and vowed never to forgive me, that I had abandoned her and she threw everything at me. She pulled all kinds of awful stunts. I realised that I was never getting my own emotional needs met, everything was always about her.

Nowdays, we are low contact. I can see very clearly how she plays victim for non stop attention. That she doesn’t have the capacity to love me, she only loves what I do for her. I am not a whole person with needs - I am just an extension of her in her own eyes.

In your place I would:

Pull back and start building an independent network

Start saying no and asking yourself what you want to do, how you feel.

Encourage other family members to take over.

Organise for her to see a real therapist

Put boundaries around your time and marriage

Recommend she goes into a home unless she can eat adequately and function normally like switching on a TV

Look up covert narcissism and recovery for the adult child. Parentifiction. Co dependent relationships and emeshment.

You have to start putting yourself first, your baby first today. Your mother needs to learn to adapt, faster the better.

You're a lovely daughter. Please don't think for a moment that an inability to help your mum as much because of changes in your own life makes you remiss. There are people (who will post on here) who wouldn't do anywhere near what you do and would show no empathy or care for her struggles. I think you need to have a think about what you can realistically offer going forward. Then sit down and explain to her what that will be. How much of you you can give and what would she prioritise during that time, and how can she fill the gaps. So it might be things like teaching her to do some of the tasks you do for her for example. If she is as generous and caring as you, then hopefully she will work with you to gain some independence, for your sake if not her own.