Am I a terrible daughter

[rosedahlialily]

Am I a terrible daughter for feeling this way about my relationship with my mother.

i want to start by saying that i love my mother deeply but my relationship with her is feeling very strained and I believe it’s going to get worse and I’m not sure what to do for the best.

For context, my mother is in her early 70s and I’m in my late twenties and due to have my first child with DH. My mother has lived alone and not dated for the last 15 years or so. My father has never been on the scene. I’m an only child.

We are very close but since I can remember I have been a crux for my mother mentally and emotionally. She is a very gentle and devotes her life to her large extended family of brothers and sisters, but shields them from her mental health issues. She is long term grieving a very close family member after dedicating the last few years to being their primary carer. I’m the only person in the world who she confides in. She doesn’t have any friends outside of her family, even though she could have many given her warm personality.

I’m about to go through a massive life change becoming a mother for the first time, but I’m worried knowing this will mean I won’t have the physical or mental capacity to be there for my mother like normal. Some things that concern me are:

she regularly says “I don’t know what I would do without you” “I couldn’t live without you”

her age has rapidly caught up with her and will ask me to do even the smallest of tasks for her when she can, such as turning a TV on, booking train tickets or helping her cut up a steak for example if we are out for dinner. She will just say she can’t do it and won’t try.

her physical health has declined but she is stubborn about looking after her body properly. She doesn’t cook meals for herself and sometimes it feels like her body is just falling apart.

she is financially secure in the sense that she has a comfortable home but has very little disposable income, which is ok as I enjoy spoiling her and have taking her on all her nice holidays and days out since I was 18. she appreciates this so much but the emotional burden is a lot when she says ‘I would never do anything special if it wasn’t for you’

ive tried talking to her so many times over the years but she is very vulnerable and actually very stubborn when it comes to talking any of my suggestions.

i know she won’t be around forever which is why i feel so guilty thinking these things, how can I feel better about what’s to come and her being ok without hurting her feelings and AIBU

i have struggled with my own mental health in the past due to childhood trauma but gotten on top of it with DH support, anti depressants and therapy. I need to be top of my game to be the best mom I can be. Please be kind!

Just don’t feel disappointed if she won’t do it op. You can try, but keep your expectations low.

A woman in her early 70s with no health issues/disability can't cut up her own food or press the button on the remote, and has become 'doddery'? Do me a favour. My DF at 78 is still working, driving, cooking meals and doing washing.

OP your mum has chosen to become less able to try to keep you concentrating on her, now that she's going to have to compete with a baby for your undivided attention. You've clearly been enmeshed and parentified your whole life so can't see the woods for the trees.

Your mum isn't going to change her demands, and isn't going to like it when you try to put in boundaries. So you will have to be really strong and firm. Access counselling if you can or at least look into enmeshment, parentification and FOG.

It suits your Mum for you to believe she is "vulnerable" It may even suit her to believe it herself.

But you really don't have to pander to it, and in fact allowing her to continue to neglect herself so RoseDaliah does everything for "poor Mum" is likely to literally send her to an early grave.

As someone maybe 5 years younger than your mum, and about to shower after this evening's 5k run, let me tell you I am truly embarrassed on her behalf.

As for boundary setting, I am not an expert in your mum's kind of carry-on at all but I might start with a light-hearted laugh "oh mum don't be silly, of course you can do that yourself" - then if she whinges/pushes back, in a kindly voice "oh mum don't be daft, you know I won't have time to do that when baby arrives" "you know what having a baby is like" etc- as though you have already discussed it and she has already agreed. So if she argues she'll be contradicting her own expertise.

I am not sure op is ready to look at the truth, her emeshment is rock solid and she can’t seem to bring herself to really question the motivation of her mother’s actions nor the harm it is likely to cause in the long term. The loss of herself, her marriage, her right to decide even how she spends her own time. So much that is sacrificed and unseen.

If your mum is so helpless when you are around, how on earth does she get out of bed and get dressed in the morning?

This sounds a very difficult situation for you.

I would suggest going back to her siblings and telling them what she is like with you and asking them if she behaves like this with them. Maybe they don't see what you see for a good reason.

"She has made you responsible for her needs, her happiness, well being and every aspect of her life. Therefore tying you indefinitely into the fabric of her life, serving her and looking after her.
I also thought my mother was an absolute angel, I adored my mother. My dh was the only person who questioned the dynamic, and said so. She was my whole world. She made sure of it." @Feelingmuchbetter.

Thank you for this. You've written what I couldn't articulate and my DM has been exactly like this. And similarly to you, it wasn't until my DH questioned it, did I realise what was happening. I've been married 25 years now and still feel dragged into the F.O.G where my DM is concerned, especially now that she is 80 and disabled. It's exhausting.

My DH is my voice of reason so when I know something doesn't feel right, I ask him and he gives me his opinion which usually aligns with the niggly worry I have that I always used to suppress in my desire to make sure DM was ok and happy with what I was doing. As a result, DM and I have had our spats and those have only ever occurred when I've said 'no' to her demands. Funny that...

OP you sound lovely; you have done your best with making your DM happy but the more you give, the more she'll want and it won't EVER be enough - no matter what you do. Trust me. I'm 55 and still feeling the pressure despite pushing back. YANBU to want to set up boundaries and say 'no' to her on occasion.