My mum playing favourites with eldest sibling and it’s hurting the rest of

[Yummyscrummiuncious]

I’m posting here because I really need to get this off my chest and see if anyone else has experienced something similar. My mum has always favoured for my older sibling, but over the years, it’s become painfully obvious that she can do no wrong in my mum’s eyes – no matter what she says or does. The rest of us (there are three siblings in total) seem to constantly be on the receiving end of criticism, blame, or suspicion, while my older sibling walks on water.

It’s got to the point where she actively manipulates situations – twisting stories, exaggerating things we’ve said or done – and somehow Mum always believes her. Even when it’s clearly untrue or unfair. If I try to raise it, I’m “overreacting” or “jealous” - it’s so frustrating and exhausting.

I’ve stopped even trying to explain my side of things – what’s the point when the outcome is always the same? It’s really starting to impact my relationship with both of them and I feel like I’m constantly being pushed into the “difficult child” box even though I’ve done nothing wrong.

Has anyone dealt with a parent who clearly favours one child and refuses to see the manipulation happening right in front of them? How did you cope with it – especially as an adult?

Thanks in advance.

Why do you want to have anything to do with someone who

seem to constantly be on the receiving end of criticism, blame, or suspicion, while my older sibling walks on water.

I'm in a hurry bit hope others will give you better advice.

A - It's NOT YOUR FAULT and please don't let it affect your self-esteem

B - Keep as much distance as possible from both of them

C - Stay close to people who are good to you "Go where you're wanted and where things work"

P.S. you didn't deserve this.

I think you know that there’s only one way forward- accept your mother’s favoritism and go NC. If you can’t go NC then go much lower contact so you have less examples of your sibling’s shitty behaviour to complain about. Don’t discuss your sibling with your mum and ideally see her when your sibling isn’t there.

What would happen if she did like her more than you? It’s not the end of the world. Find someone who loves you best and accept you can’t control how she feels about you.

I would stop seeing either of them. Pull right back and let them get on with it. I assume that you don't all live together. If you do, you need to start planning to move out.

I can see this is really painful for you, but I can’t see how it happens. I’m one of three siblings and we all just live our lives and none of it really involves our parents opinions. We see each other for visits and we have a WhatsApp group etc. But I can’t see any scenario where any of us could be favourites or need to defend ourselves…. From what exactly?

If you have an example I can tell you what that would be like in my family, if that would help?

Walk away and don't look back - leave them to it.

Spend as little time with them both as you possibly can. I hope you don't live with your mother? Even if you live very close by there's no need to see her more than once a month or something like that if you don't want to.

Just let them get on with it! You're an adult now and they are extremely unlikely to change.

I agree with PP’s, you can’t change your Mum’s behavior so live your life and accept that your sibling is the Golden Child. My DH is from a large family and there are Golden and Non-Golden children. He’s a Non-Golden, although his parents aren’t critical like your Mum, they just think that his older brother and younger sister walk on water.

He and his Non-Golden sister laugh about it as it’s silly.

There is a similar dynamic in my family with my mum favouring my sister and seeing no wrong. My sister is an incredibly manipulative person but reading your post has made me realise the root cause of the way she behaves: She basically knows she'll get away with it so does it anyway because she's never pulled up on any of it.

Can you maybe step back and try to see the bigger picture if there is one? In my case, my maternal grandmother favoured her first born son and my DM wasn't treated equally. My grandmother was also neglectful as was my mum to us.

I have tried to detach and not repeat the same patterns with my own children.

She’s the Golden Child and the rest of you are Scapegoats. Read up about it. Along with Grey Rock. It’s a common toxic family dynamic. Your eyes are about to be opened! It really helps to understand it.

Thank you so much. I just can’t understand why my sibling would want to create this rift between us and why mum goes along with it. Also mum never makes any effort to contact me but then tells the rest of the family (aunts and uncles) and her friends that it’s me who doesn’t keep in touch with her. She has also never shown any interest in my children but constantly talks about my favourite siblings children.

I'm so sorry OP, it's really hurtful.

This is a well-known dynamic though, and not rare.

Not to let your sibling off the hook, but they'll have been trained into this role. The issue stems from your mum. For her own psychological reasons she needed a good child and some bad ones.

I urge you to read up about it or the confusion will drain your valuable time and attention. Hugs (if we still do them these days on MN)

Seriously op why why why do you want to be around this person let alone care whether they are interested in your children. I wouldn’t want this person near my children.

I understand why. A parent like this will have trained you from day 1 to put their feelings first. And that it's "selfish" to think of yourself ever.

The op is now a parent though. So it’s her own children that should be first and
no one else

For the one who is not the favoured child(ren), it creates division. It hurts. For me, I have tried to understand why. The favoured one was an easier birth/baby/child. The favoured one was the right sex. It still hurts.

Oh I fully agree with you. I just meant that it's understandable how OP's mindset got where it is.

@Properchips That's not the reason. Can you imagine any decent parent resenting a helpless dc for an uncomfortable birth or being the wrong sex?

It's unhinged to blame a baby for something out of their control.

My dm genuinely blamed me for "deliberately" jabbing her with my bony elbows while I was still in utero. She made me apologise. I wish I was joking.

Parents like that are quite frankly, nasty bastards, and not right in the head. There's no logic to it.

From my own experience, the only thing to do is walk away. I wasted nearly 45 years of my life hoping that things would change. I finally walked away when I realised that my mother was going to be just as nasty to my daughter as she was to me. Walking away was the best thing I did and I wish I’d have done it sooner.

Exact same scenario here. Eldest is golden child and can do no wrong. I’m the scapegoat and am blamed for everything under the sun.
Sorry to say it will never change and you will cause yourself a lot of pain if you bring it up with them as they will never acknowledge, nor do they care.
Took me a long time but I’m NC now and better for it. Have you read the “stately homes” thread?

I think you cut them both out of your life. And do it now. Because when the time comes that your mother needs help and care, it won't be your sister she'll call on, it will be you. Can't have your sister being inconvenienced now, can we? And will your mum be grateful for anything you do for her? Will she start treating you better? Will she heck. She'll treat you like a skivvy, probably with a serving of venom on the side.

I have the same situation but my mother favours the youngest. You can’t do anything unfortunately, no matter how you explain it they’ll always act like you’re just jealous. It’s meant that I’ve had to emotionally distance myself from my mother.

Take everything with a pinch of salt and when she says ridiculous lies just say “ok” as plain as you can. They get bored eventually. Same goes for your sibling if they’re reasonable they’ll recognise how unfair it is if they’re not then you’ll have to distance from them too.

I have reasoned it was just as I put in my original post, as I was empathising with you from my own experience as one of the unfavoured ones. It is a shame that seemed to annoy you? I do not have to ‘imagine’ it, as I lived it. I will leave you to it.

The sibling enjoys it, most people would enjoy being elevated in this way.
You can't change any of it, all you can change is what you do