My mum playing favourites with eldest sibling and it’s hurting the rest of

[Yummyscrummiuncious]

I’m posting here because I really need to get this off my chest and see if anyone else has experienced something similar. My mum has always favoured for my older sibling, but over the years, it’s become painfully obvious that she can do no wrong in my mum’s eyes – no matter what she says or does. The rest of us (there are three siblings in total) seem to constantly be on the receiving end of criticism, blame, or suspicion, while my older sibling walks on water.

It’s got to the point where she actively manipulates situations – twisting stories, exaggerating things we’ve said or done – and somehow Mum always believes her. Even when it’s clearly untrue or unfair. If I try to raise it, I’m “overreacting” or “jealous” - it’s so frustrating and exhausting.

I’ve stopped even trying to explain my side of things – what’s the point when the outcome is always the same? It’s really starting to impact my relationship with both of them and I feel like I’m constantly being pushed into the “difficult child” box even though I’ve done nothing wrong.

Has anyone dealt with a parent who clearly favours one child and refuses to see the manipulation happening right in front of them? How did you cope with it – especially as an adult?

Thanks in advance.

What do you mean? I'm completely agreeing with you, as I said. I 100% agree with your points.

What I was trying to add was that please don't think it was ever your fault that you were the unfavoured one.

That's what fucked me up the worst. My greatest progress came from realising it wasn't my fault.

I was trying to help. It's a type of hell having parents who enjoy hurting you, that not everyone understands.

I'm so sorry. That would hurt.

I can't think of any reason where it's ok for a mother and sibling to be have that way.

And for this reason, I'd need to walk away.

I wouldn't want my children around that environment.

Resolve that when DM needs care, Golden Child can do it.

You sibling probably does it because they want all the inheritance.

Take the power from the situation, if you won't want to go NC.
Tell DM you're not longer discussing or open to any conversation that concerns Dsis.
If you're DM brings it up, remind her, they'll soon get bored.

Many sympathies OP. It really hurts and is unfathomable when you have two children of your own.

I'm in the same situation and i think low/ no contact is so easy to say yet so hard to do.

Textbook narcissist parent. There is always a golden child and always a scapegoat. Google it.

It's taken me a lot of time and therepy to get over it and just accept this is who she is and it has nothing to do with me.
I have no expectations of her, and have a arms length relationship and don't need her for anything.

There's something liberating about just living your life and seeing the blatant favouratism from a distance.

I feel for my son who will always be last priority but they are missing out more then he is!

Sorry this sucks and hurts, but it's her and not you x

And if she says anything I normal just say jokingly, "gosh, sorry you raised such an AH!"
😂

I wouldn't exactly say I'm the golden child but I can see that my sister is the one who gets the fuzzy end of the lollipop where my mum is concerned while me and my brother are given a pass on practically everything. I think it's a nonstop pain to her. And it explains some of the dynamic between us (and the fact that she is professionally more successful than either of us maybe- she's never expected to be given anything). I would say in my brother's case he was treated frankly disgracefully by my dad, so that evened things out a bit.

I'm not an NC person - why would I need to be - but I'm a fan of fairly low contact families. I like the comment above about going where things work.

Your DM's attitude to her DGC may come back to bite her on the butt if your DCs turn out well behaved and Golden Girl's DCs turn out to be rude and chaotic and/or move to Australia! (If that seems like an oddly specific example, it's because I've experienced similar!)

All you can do is remove yourself and your DCs from the situation. Of course the scapegoat(s) will continue to be scapegoated in their absence (but they won't care much because they won't be there) and eventually the Golden Child and Golden Grandchildren will disappoint your DM - firstly because being a Golden Child encourages bad behaviour, secondly because even a nice person can't live up to being put on a pedestal like that. So once you're removed from the dynamic, they will all have to take responsibility for their own behaviour: they can't keep credibly blaming the Scapegoat Child when the latter has been very low contact for years.

The hardest thing IME is trashing you to the wider family and generally never having your back. In my case it's driven a permanent wedge between me and my extended family (other than my DGM who knows what's going on, but is a social butterfly and not very family-focused). In nearly all cases, the extended family members I've been alienated from aren't really people I'd go out of my way to hang out with, but it's not nice to think that I've been made out to be a monster when I've spent most of my life desperately trying to be good enough for my DParents and as inoffensive as possible towards the world in general. All one can really do is detach as much as possible (wish I'd known this before DCs were born) and try to build a life independently of your FOO, that they don't have access to and therefore can't poison the well.

Low contact becomes easier if you move far away. I moved abroad for mostly unrelated reasons, and LC is pretty much the default in this situation. It's given me a certain insight and I can now think of people both inside and outside of my family who would say of themselves "What a shame we only see my parents once a year, but we live on the other side of the country", when I'm pretty sure this is the main reason why they moved far away and that the official reason is at least in part a pretext to save face.