Family in crisis

[BeSharpPearlCat]

My 35 y/o daughter still lives with us. I am now 73 and my husband 79. She has had chronic health problems all her life (including anorexia and alcoholism) but she has started to deteriorate. She has been drinking for the past month almost non-stop, and took an overdose a week ago for which she was hospitalised. My husband and I feel worn out and are struggling to cope.

does she have a support network such as Social Workers or Nurses or a specialist? it is not fair on you both trying to cope with her at your age. I think you should contact the hospital who looks after her telling them she has got worse. you really need to look after yourself

Does she have mental health services involved? if You think her mental health has deteriorated and she is a risk to herself, you can request a mental health act assessment where she could be detained in hospital for treatment. Unless she voluntarily agrees to go. The other alternative is to contact her GP and ask for help, or look to see if there are any mental health crisis teams operating in your area that can provide support and treatment at home.

She has been drinking so much she goes missing or makes herself very ill. Sometimes I have had to bathe and dress her, which is a ridiculous situation at my age. She is often able to convince mental health services or the police that she is well, but then she has another relapse. Can you get Someone sectioned for their own safety?

Yes you can - but only if it is as a result of their mental health. You or your husband will be classed as the nearest relative, (whichever is the eldest), and you can request a mental health act assessment. This means she could be sectioned under the mental health act and be detained in hospital for assessment and treatment. But you need to be fully honest with the team that come out and tell them your concerns. Ask to speak to them separately in another room if you can’t be upfront and honest in front of your daughter.

This is an awful and untenable situation for you.

The problem with getting her sectioned will be about her having capacity to make her own choices, even if those choices are bad. It's my understanding that someone has to be a risk to others, or to their own life (suicide attempt), before sectioning will be considered.

Alternative there is rehab. Getting her into rehab is only doable if she is willing to engage. Then you have the problem of accessing rehab services. Private rehab is expensive. You'd have to ask your GP what NHS or charity services might be available. But again, she cannot be forced.

If she is drinking in your house, you could ban her from doing so and remove all alcohol. You could also visit all local places that sell alcohol and ask them not to serve her or sell to her.

Sadly, I had a lovely neighbour who was in the same situation. They too were in their 70s and dealing with an alcoholic daughter at home. They wasted thousands on private rehabs with no success and she ruined their lives. One evening she nearly burned the house down by leaving a pan on the stove.

You cannot help someone who refuses to help themselves.

Ask social services to do a care needs assessment, or if she has any other services involved, they refer her. You need to be clear that you can't do it anymore. Unfortunately, the cogs move slowly. You need her to be in supported housing. It's just too much for you now.

She can't stop drinking abruptly, she's at risk of seizures if she does.

How can we get a social services referral?

You would have to google the number for adult social services in your area.

You should be able to self refer.

I think you’d need to ask her to leave at this point. If at this point she’s not sorted her life out with you helping her, then she never will with you enabling her. Would she be likely to seek help for herself?

Sorry that this is your life OP, sounds tough. Honestly I think while you're popping her up then nothing will change. It might be a case of kicking her out now. I understand that's daunting but there comes a point where all of your help is just enabling her to continue.

I think I agree that we are just propping her up. She just drinks herself into a stupor, but when seen by professionals, smells badly of drink, but seems coherent.

It comes to how far you’d be willing to go with it. None of us wants to see our children struggling, but at the very least I’d give her a month’s eviction notice and follow through with it. Give it a few weeks at least to see what she’s capable of doing on her own without you supporting her

Does she work? How is she paying for the drink?

She was working until a month ago, but now she has gone into some form of alcoholic crisis. She can be persuaded to eat once a day (but not every day). We have told her that is it numerous times, but can’t quite seem to follow through on th threats.

So are you giving her money for alcohol (or actually going and buying it for her), or is she drawing on savings and buying it herself?

She is drawing on savings at the moment. When she drinks, she is not in her right mind and makes impulsive decisions.

There is nothing worse than contemplating throwing your child (even adult children) out of the family home.
In your case OP I think you should have kicked her out a long, long time ago. People need to hit rock bottom to make changes, you are keeping her too comfortable.
Personally I would ring adult social care and tell them she is being removed from the home in 1 week as you are no longer able to cope.

I think I agree, but of course it’s not that easy. She gets so unwell when she drinks, with hand and head tremors. If we threw her out while intoxicated, she would just sleep in the drive beside our house.

You cannot be detained under MHA for alcohol dependence. It’s a specific exclusion under the act

she would be best advised to engage with d uh and alcohol services but she would need to call them herself and show some motivation for change

kindly she is only able to behave like this because of you propping her up and enabling her and one day that has to end. She will be worse for a while but it might be what she needs to get better. Have you tried speaking to Al-Anon for families of alcoholics who can give good advice.

I hope you don’t buy alcohol for her or give her money to get it or allow her to steal it from you with no consequences. If you do you should stop.

We don’t give her money for it, but she seems to find it anyway. She just seems utterly traumatised and is trying to drink away the pain.

I think you should give her a deadline to leave and not let her back. If she does have medical consequences of withdrawal then she can go to A&E to be treated. If she sleeps on your drive you can call the police. Or you could drop her at a homeless hostel.

Traumatised by what? In any case there is no mental health treatment that is effective whilst drinking to this level. You cannot engage effectively in therapy whilst intoxicated. Alcohol misuse needs to be dealt with as a first step. Often the other issues are much less when it had been. Alcohol is a depressant

She has been engaging in some very strange behaviour long before she was drinking. She started getting delusional and stalking people. She is very mentally unwell, but we are struggling to get her adequate help.

You are generally in a difficult situation with an adult. Adults are usually assumed to be able to make their own choices albeit they may be poor ones. Mental health services and drug &alcohol services will not accept a referral for an adult from someone’s parents where the person does not show a motivation to engage or even consent to be seen. It would be futile if they did as nothing can really be done without the persons consent

The Mental health act is the only way that someone can be treated against their will but in practice it is largely reserved for situations of psychotic mental illness where a person lacks insight and drug treatment in hospital is effective. For other conditions which are non drug responsive the value in detaining someone isn’t really there and may do more harm than good. Her father is her nearest relative (NR) under the MHA and he has a right to request an MHA assessment which an approved mental health practitioner (AMHP) must consider. I think they will turn it down to be honest but he does have that right. Google AMPH services in your area and he can ring and say he is the NR and he’s requesting an MHA assessment.

I personally think that you’d be better off to google drug and alcohol services in your area and support her to call/ attend. That’s all you can really do.