Family in crisis

[BeSharpPearlCat]

My 35 y/o daughter still lives with us. I am now 73 and my husband 79. She has had chronic health problems all her life (including anorexia and alcoholism) but she has started to deteriorate. She has been drinking for the past month almost non-stop, and took an overdose a week ago for which she was hospitalised. My husband and I feel worn out and are struggling to cope.

From your earlier post it seems as though she has had contact with MH services and the police and probably had assessments and they did not consider that she had a mental illness requiring treatment in hospital. TBH probably are not going to change the decision on that even if you request an MHA unless there is new information. You will need to convince them that there is evidence of a mental illness (ideally a psychotic one) other than alcohol dependence.

has she had any support for her anorexia? Her brain cannot function in starvation mode.
she can be sectioned if her anorexia is causing her to be at serious risk

There is no info on this thread to say that she has anorexia. Many people don’t eat much when drinking heavily. There are a lot of calories (albeit empty ones) in alcohol. Nutritional deficiencies are a big risk. If you can get her to take a B12 and thiamine supplement that is a small thing to do to help.

Oh OP this is awful.

As PP have said, people can;t be sectioned for alcohol abuse/dependence.

I would recommend you contact Al-Anon, which is the group for families of alcoholics.
This is not meant to help you help your DD - it is just meant to help YOU.

We have had her assessed by the GP, and they could find nothing medically wrong. She seems so lucid at times, but it is clear she is not all there. She often feels like she’s in crisis and totally shuts down, but then the next minute she’s fine and up and off.

The way mental health services are set up in this country, is that if somebody is drinking heavily, most mental health services won’t touch people unless they are significantly a risk to themselves or others. They would say that she needs to address the alcohol first before she can get mental health help. I have to say, I don’t necessarily agree with this Philosophy as it is impossible to separate mental health and substance misuse issues.

She really needs to engage with alcohol services either as an outpatient or inpatient. Does she recognise that her drinking is a problem?

Does she have any friends or acquaintances or more distant family members that she would listen to?

It’s in the OP

She doesn’t listen if she is told
she cannot drink. It is like she can’t see anyone else’s perspective but her own. Drinking has made her utterly selfish, but I take on board the points about contacting services.

Did she ever have a serious bang to the front of the head? A family member did, and she went on to be much like you describe. I suspect she would not have been anywhere as bad with drinking and inability to consider others, without the injury.

she did have a team of professionals trying to help her and their plan was to not try and stop her completely just to drink less. That was the goal. Something like lithium was what I suggested but whether it was prescribed I don’t know. My relative is dead now.

It was despair and anger used to set her off, perceived slights and any sense of lack of control.

I suspect a form of brain injury, because she is so odd and can’t engage. If we engage her in conversation she keeps going over the same old topics from the past.

What I found with the gp surgery in question, it may be unusual, is I could email the doctor about the family member and they will read it - even though they have no permission from the family member and could not engage back with me which is totally right. it was asking for things she had gone beyond being able to request for herself including physio she really needed.

For the sensitive issues it felt like a big betrayal, I was scared, but the Surgery did great in being discreet.

Hi there,

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Watching someone you love hurt themselves—and in the process, hurt you, your husband, and others around them—can be devastating. You’re dealing with an incredibly painful situation, and you’re not alone.

From what you’ve shared, it sounds like your daughter may be struggling with alcoholism, and it’s important to understand that addiction is an illness. Her behaviour, however distressing and damaging, is being driven by that illness. That doesn’t excuse it, but it can help to reframe what you’re seeing—not as wilful cruelty, but as a symptom of how unwell she is.

If you’re trying to help her, the most effective thing you can do is help her get professional support. Ideally, that means going into rehab—whatever level of support she’s willing to agree to. If you have the financial means, you might want to explore working with a professional interventionist, who can guide the process and give you tools to manage what’s ahead. But a key truth in all of this is that recovery can’t be forced—she has to want it, even if just a little.

At the moment, and I know this is hard to hear, allowing her to stay in your home while continuing this lifestyle may be unintentionally enabling her. People struggling with addiction often continue until they hit “rock bottom”—and if life is cushioned enough, they may not get there.

That’s why clear boundaries are essential. If she wants to stay living with you, there must be rules—acceptable behaviour, and a commitment to getting help. If she can’t agree to that, then she needs to leave. That might mean changing the locks and standing firm. It’s incredibly tough, but it gives her the space to face the consequences and, hopefully, to make a different choice. When that moment comes, be ready with your offer of support again—whether that’s through rehab, counselling, or medical treatment.

Here are some UK-based resources that may help you:

• Alcoholics Anonymous (AA UK) – Free peer support for those struggling with alcohol addiction: https://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk
• Al-Anon Family Groups UK – Support for friends and family of problem drinkers: https://www.al-anonuk.org.uk
• Adfam – A national charity supporting families affected by drugs and alcohol: https://www.adfam.org.uk
• Turning Point – Offers services for people with drug and alcohol problems, including rehab and community support: https://www.turning-point.co.uk
• NHS Alcohol Addiction Support – Information and links to local services through the NHS: https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/addiction-support/alcohol-support

You’re doing your best in a heartbreaking situation. Don’t forget to get support for yourself too—you need and deserve it. The stronger you are, the more able you’ll be to help your daughter when she’s ready.

Take care and be kind to yourself.

She needs to go into a secure rehab. Does she have savings which would cover this?

Ahh yes sorry I did miss that

Drinking very heavily for a long time can cause brain damage like a kind of dementia (ARBD) but the good news is that it is reversible up to a point if the person stops drinking.

Sorry to hear you’re going through this OP. Your at the time of your lives things should be settling down. DD has put you in a very unfair position, but an addict only thinks of themselves. You need to stop enabling her and bring in a crisis team or admit her into a mental health facility. If she is a harm to herself (she is) or others surely something can be done! This is no way for you to live.

Side note I knew of two brothers who were addicts (various substances) mostly alcohol with the first. Their parents allowed them to come and go from their house up until at 43 one brother h*ng himself in his room. Followed closely by the other a year later who overdosed. What I’m saying is that the worst can happen right under your nose so why not try a bit of tough love at this point? For your own sanity if nothing else.

Just a quick update. She has been advised to keep drinking at a reduced level, so we have locked her supply of alcohol away and ration it for her. The problem is, she does anything to get her hands on more. She literally will beg for it. She will even drink mouthwash or perfume if she cannot get enough.

We don’t know what to do for the best, but she will find herself on the streets if this goes on. She is so remorseful one minute, then the next she has run out of the house to buy more. Her personal hygiene is terrible, and she has been in shaky and sweaty withdrawal for the past week or so, meaning asking her to leave immediately would be futile.

Have your heard of the drug Naltrexone? I might be worth asking the dr about as I have heard it is extremely and nearly immediately effective with alcohol abuse. Know family members who had some success with it.