Shared garden etiquette

[daylightdreamer]

Advice needed!! I live in the ground floor and only have 1 upstairs neighbour.

Now I fully respect he has equal right to the garden as I do but I’m struggling with knowing if I’m just being unreasonable or if he’s a bit entitled. I bought the garden furniture (a sofa and sun lounger) yet every single day he uses it, but not just him his mates as well. I live alone and it is a bit intimidating when I want to use the garden but having to ask if I can use my own furniture. He’s never asked if it’s mine or communal (although it wouldn’t be as it’s an HA property and they don’t even give flooring let alone furniture)! They’ve also been leaving cigarette butts everywhere despite me filling an old plant pot with sand and putting them in there to try to avoid it.

I really hate confrontation and if it was just him I may have said something but I don’t know if I’m the unreasonable one by expecting him not to use my seating? There’s always at least 3 men in the garden and I was sunbathing the other day when they came out and I felt so awkward I ended up going inside.

Is there anything I can actually do?

Well if you don’t want to ask to use your own furniture, and you find it intimidating being out there with them could you sell that furniture and instead buy a folding beach chair?

We have some really comfy lounger chairs that fold up so just stay indoors and you can take it in and out when you’re using it.

If they ask you to leave it out for them just say you can’t as you use it indoors as well?

That’s what I did many years ago as a student in a shared house (cos I didn’t want my beach chair stinking of weed)

The sunbathing ? I don't think you could do anything about that , if you were in a bathing suit or bikini I can understand the feeling of being uneasy but he does have the right to it same as you .
I would have no problem informing the chairs / sunlounger was mine and could he not use it / get his own .
I don't think there is anything you could do if it's for both of you .

He either doesn’t know it’s yours or has assumed that furniture in a shared garden is for shared use: it’s a bit cheeky in itself to take over a shared garden with your own large items of furniture without asking other neighbours.

Can you suggest partitioning it in half, he can use his half and sit on the floor with his mates and fag butts and you put the furniture in your half.

I get that, but no one else lived here when I moved in. It’s not necessarily huge, the gardens pretty big and is only in one corner, which is also directly under my bedroom window.

YANBU. Can you store the lounger in your flat and only bring it out when you want to use it? If not, definitely have a word. He is being a CF

Buy a storage cupboard or shed?

I thought that, but I’m not sure how it would work. It’s an L shaped garden. I could suggest he have the bigger part perhaps? I’m happy to ask him not to use it, but I wasn’t sure if that was a bit rude of me or not

If he doesn’t know it’s yours, tell him? Then ask him to buy his own as he can’t use yours. Just keep it indoors until you want it. Definitely look at partitions.

Thank you, I think you’re right. I’ll have a word with him and look into getting some storage. Frustratingly we both have a cupboard outside that’s big enough but mine has both metre cupboards in so I can’t lock it

While I’m having a moan I’ll add that I’ve had to tell him about bin collection as he wasn’t putting his out and then using mine, he still doesn’t do it so I’ve had to start doing it for him, but I’ve come to terms with that and I’m just whinging 😂

If you put furniture into a communal garden then it's only fair that it's for communal use.

Cigarette butts on the floor is slovenly behaviour and not acceptable.

A folding chair is a good idea. You can't stop him from using the garden though.

I think you have to accept it’s a shared garden: you’ve cheekily put furniture out without discussion, he’s cheekily using the furniture without discussion. Maybe move it from under your bedroom window so it feels less like he’s in “your” territory, as he isn’t.

And have a chat with him instead of hoping he’ll magically use the cig butt sandpit without communication. You could partition or you could just ask him to keep cig butts cleared up and say that, since you paid for the furniture, it should be non-smoking. Bring it inside if he won’t stop smoking on it. But really you need a conversation about where people can smoke, hang laundry, put furniture, grow tomatoes, whatever.

i would assume anything left in a shared garden is fine for other residents to use. So either put your things away, or accept that he will sit at your table when it is not being used.

It is a good thing to establish as you don’t want him just leaving things out in the garden.

Go for it, he clearly doesn’t understand rudeness himself so I doubt you’ll offend. 😀

If it fits in the cupboard, I would put the furniture in it - even if it doesn't lock.
It's not less safe than if they are left in the garden. He should get the message, and there's nothing spiteful in wanting to keep the furniture in good condition and not outside all the time.

I don't leave the furniture out in my own garden.

If your furniture was there when he moved in then it’s not unreasonable of him to assume it came with the shared garden.
you’re just going to have to go round and a) tell him and b) ask him not to use it.

You can’t be wishy washy about it and say you don’t mind if you’re not in etc as you do and you’d have to ask him to move when you came home. Point out it’s right under your bedroom window and you have no problem if he wants to get his own for another spot.

and then finally ask him to please pick up his cigarette butts.

Thank you, I think that’s what I’ll do

If I were you, I would keep the cushions indoors and just put them out when you want to use them. If he asks you where the cushions are, you can explain that they cost you a lot of money and want to keep them nice so you are keeping them indoors. If he asks to borrow them, your response is up to you, but you could add that you do not want smoking anywhere near your cushions. Hopefully, he will get the hint or find sitting on the furniture without the cushions uncomfortable.

You need to tell him it's your furniture as he may not know. You should also tell him he needs to put his own bins on Fridays (or whatever day it was)

Don’t be bullied by this man. Remember he wouldn’t do anything for you yet you are supposed to lie down and allow him to walk all over you!

The bin. Do NOT start managing his bin for him. Tell him firmly that he is an adult. He he can’t get his act together to take his bin out that is his issue. He is absolutely not to start using your bin just because his is full. Absolutely not.

The furniture. Tell him very clearly it’s yours. He is not to use your property. He knows exactly what he is going and is relying on you being to timid to call him out. If you find him intimidating leave a clear note - private property - NOT FOR COMMUNAL USE. But you will have to walk up and say

‘excuse me, I am going to sit on my furniture. you and your friends will need to find another spot on the garden’

keep it firm - keep it clear. He is a man child and will just expect you to facilitate his life.

Is it possible to split the garden with a fence so you don't have to interact with him and his friends?

Speak to your HA. I have a neighbour who put up a fence to split. Communal garden. It was a few years ago and it's still up. She did pay for it herself

Get a lock for your bin and stickers with your flat number. Put the lounger away and remove sofa cushion. Tell him it's your furniture, ask if he wants to split the the garden? Tell him to stop leaving his fag butts everywhere.

If he asked her to get the cushions I would just stare at him and not say anything. It’s hard but it usually works a treat
eventually if he is weird enough to just stare back. Just walk away with saying anything

I would laugh, shake my head and say good one. Then
walk away while laughing loudly.

There is defiantly a gender issue here. I have lived alone for twenty years. There is a certain type of person (it’s usually a man but sometimes a woman) who thinks they can walk all over you safe in the knowledge that you won’t get aggressive and won’t push back.

never over explain, channel your inner man! Would a man explain the cushions were expensive - would he fuck! He would laugh and tell the neighbours to piss off.

when I moved in to my correct house I had jumped up little man nearly bang my door down at 10pm to tell me I had to cut down the beautiful, mature tree in my garden because it cast a shadow in part his garden in the early evening! He was so rude and entitled that I closed the door on his face. Had I been a 6th 4 male there is no way he would have approached it they way he did. I now get abuse from his awful teenaged sons.

some people are just selfish