To forget a friends child’s birthday

[Bibbidybop92]

I haven’t actually forgotten, I remembered and sent a message but with other personal things going on I didn’t drop a present/card to my friends daughter last week, she is now upset with me and has told a shared friend of ours how upset she is that I “forgot” and it means our friendship isn’t what she thought it was.
we have been friends a long time and I always acknowledge her children’s birthdays and any other event in her/her children’s lives, she doesn’t do the same to mine, which I have never made any issue of as that is her choice.
am I unreasonable to think this is unfair?

Your friend (and I use that word loosely) is a CF user OP but I'd also be wary of the helpful person who's blabbed this to you as it sounds like they are having a bit of a stir too.

If the friendship is coming to an end it doesn't sound like it's going to be a great loss to you even if it feels like it at first. People show themselves up eventually.

I'm so sorry you are grieving but please don't be a wet lettuce over this.

Tell her you have important things going right now, ask her why is she making such a fuss when she never does the same for your children and then bin her off.

Life is too short for shitty friends to make you feel even shittier when life is down.

Erm, your husband is right. What a self centred arse she sounds! Your kids aren't even good enough for a birthday message but she gets the hump because hers haven't received a hand delivered present and card. Let that sink in.

If you're willing to continue the friendship she needs to get over herself. If you don't, or she won't, it doesn't sound like much of a loss. You want a friend, she wants unpaid staff and for you to be grateful to be allowed that role.

She’s not a good friend. I would understand if you had some mutual agreement that you buy gifts but given that she doesn’t bother then she’s taking the piss!

Bloody hell, the lack of self awareness.

At least you know now and can re set your responses and relationship. Concentrate on those who show you care and consideration. I'm not sure I'd want to go away with her if I was in the midst of grieving, I think you need to protect yourself from her at the moment.

After reading the comments I have called my friend out today about her behaviour over message, she has read and ignored it (unlike her as she’s always glued to her phone) so I have taken that as the clearest response on the future of our friendship.

Well done for calling her out. Selfish users never like being rumbled.

What does your shared friend think?

I'd message her and tell her that how she has reacted at this time when you're grieving has shown you she's an absolute self centred arse, and thank her for showing you what really matters.

Stop apologising and trying to fix thing, you're giving her your power when you've done naff all wrong. She never reciprocated your children's birthdays. She's done this while you're grieving.

Best rid, trash took itself out.

I’d take the opportunity to knock the friendship on the head. She sounds madly unreasonable.

She doesn’t want to be involved which seems silly to me as she was the person who called me to tell me about it, at the moment I’m not in the headspace to deal with it, I like a quiet life and it seems when either of them are involved it isn’t that.

Do you also send presents to the shared friend / her DC? I’d stop that as well!

Funny how she was quick to get involved on behalf of the CF but not you.

I’ll bet she doesn’t - she’ll get the blame for telling you the other woman was pissed off, sorry ‘hurt’ or whatever she said she was.

So insane how she doesn’t realise how bad it looks that she’s clearly under the impression her life is more important than yours - how dare you not pay her homage? Who do you think you are expecting her to reciprocate? 🙄

she doesnt have children, but I celebrate other occasions for her as has always enjoyed being made a fuss of

Does she make a fuss of you?

To be honest the call where she told me about this was the first I’ve had in a few months, but we often go a while without meeting up as she lives quite far, however she did forget my birthday this year and I did wonder if this friendship has drifted also.

Then definitely stop treating her to things as well.

It sounds like you have been pigeon holed as the friend who should do nice things for them but not expect anything back.

It was in the shared friend’s interests to get involved on behalf of the CF because she shares her belief that you should want to do nice things for them without getting anything in return.

You don’t have to end the friendship, just pull back and don’t think it’s your job to be the kind and generous one anymore.

I am sorry you are grieving.

This is not normal behaviour from friends.
Its toxic bullshit.

The friend who called is a shit stirrer.
The friend who is upset🙄is not your friend.

Take this as a warning that you need to step away.
Sounds like your husband has the measure of her.
I have loads of friends for decades.
None of us ever gave each others children gifts.

All far too busy for such nonsense.

Mind yourself OP.

If she ignores your DCs birthday then she is a cheeky cow!

I had a friend who used to ring to remind me about her daughters birthday with heavy hints about gifts she wanted.
Same friend ignored my child's birthday. Mine is 4 years younger than hers. I stopped giving her child anything and she didn't bring it up again.

I have the same with this friend, usually sends me pictures or links to things she wants for her children, usually expansive items.

I would drop both of these friends. They don't acknowledge your birthday or your children's birthdays whilst expecting you to remember theirs. Move on from them and you'll have less stress.

I still can’t get my head round the logic and expectations of these women.

They KNOW they are not bothering with your kids but they don’t just passively accept gifts you obviously want to give their kids, bc they’re great - they actively REMIND you and SEND you links?!! It’s so bizarre. I’d lovedsomeone to actually ask them what they are thinking. I guess it’s just another level of self absorption. Their kids are their priority - you both get them stuff, so they prompt you to get them stuff they want. The fact it’s expensive stuff and they never bother with yours is irrelevant - they clearly don’t have the capacity to think beyond you seeming to want to get their kids presents.

To be fair, it does look like that though. I stopped sending cards to friends who never ever sent me them. I’ll admit I liked writing and sending them and hoped the gesture would be retuned but it never was so I stopped. Most ppl got in contact when I stopped to ‘check in’, which was weird.

With friends and family’s kids I buy presents for I always try to make sure the child has the present just before or actually on their birthday. There’s only been rare instances when they’ve had them a few days after when we’ve arranged to see them anyway. I’ve even sent presents to kids if they’ve been on holiday or we were away to ensure they got them, as I know how important birthdays are to young children. Let’s just say my DC is still waiting for theirs over a month later from friends who live just a few minutes away by foot! (Who suggested exchanging bloody presents in the fucking first place 🙄) ppl can be crap

So you've had a recent bereavement, you did remember her child's birthday as you sent a message and she doesn't acknowledge your children's birthdays in any way? She sounds like an awful friend and you will be better off without her. She has shown her true colours and she is unreasonable, unkind and selfish.