5 years together and talked about living together

[Vibing]

We had a tricky conversation last night and a bit thrown.

Both have kids from previous marriages. Mine are grown and left home. His 3 are teenagers, eldest off to uni this year.
Weve slowly come together. About 2 years ago we had some space but we would meet for a coffee ever 1 or 2 weeks which increased to regular dates and more time together we worked through the things we were bumping heads on.

We spoke aboit living together last night. Now i always knew he didnt want to have someone on his mortgage again. (I own my own home). But his other thoughts
He would buy all furniture so if we split up there wouldnt be splitting of furniture.
I would give him some money each month towards the bills.
He would want an agreement that if we split there would be something legally binding to say id pretty much leave the house and not drag out staying.

Id initially suggested a joint bill paying account that we put money in for bills.
He was defensive saying that after 2 years i would beable yo claim a share of the house so he wasnt having that. Then the rest of above came out.

I suppose im asking. Is he being unreasonable. Is that extreme or normal these days.

Oh just to say - i want to pay towards the bills. Just reread my post and it might sound like im offended he wants me to pay towards bills.
Im very much i want a bill paying accoubt were we both pay towards the bills

I presume he is reflecting on his previous marriage and is now 'once bitten, twice shy'. I think it's showing a lack of trust, but he's obviously scared about what may happen if your relationship broke down. Is marriage something you'd both hope for further down the line?

Edited to add - I think he's being a tad extreme, but objectively it'd be wise for him to protect his assets in some way, if that's his concern. Sorry it's such a sensitive situation op.

On one hand it’s sensible. No one likes talking about it but having agreements in place for splitting is technically a good thing. If it was the other way around you’d want to protect your house.

On the other hand, what if you’re paying his mortgage for years - is it fair to walk away with nothing?

Is there such thing as common law wife after 2 years?

No such thing as a common law wife.

is the plan for you to move into his house? And rent out your own house?

Common law wife does not exist but people can make claims.

I would be exactly like him and want to protect my assets. In your case everyone selling and buying 50/50 plus a 50/50 on all expenses would be the only way I would consider it.

He's being perfectly reasonable imo. You're hesitant though , do you want to live together or do you think you're fine as you are.

As you own your own home would you be renting this out for an income?

As long as you still have your home as an asset in case of a split it seems a sensible option that you pay half towards bills (either into a joint account or directly to him/the billing company). But that you have no other claim on his house, and he no claim on yours.

He’s not correct in some of his thinking - having a joint account wouldn’t allow you to claim on the house. I would probably suggest you both talking to a solicitor about how you would protect yourselves and what is reasonable (how much notice you would need to give your tenants for you to move out quickly and drag things out).

I think he's being reasonable. I think althought you are together and you hope to be together, you have to think what if. Only issue I see is, if you did split up you need to think what would you do having to leave immediately? This part doesn't seem fair on you

Looking at the finances, why does he get all the assets here and you don't? What if he decides to leave you? What if he dies?

Looking at the relationship, he clearly isn't ready to live with someone else again as he's deeply mistrusting and only concerned about protecting himself. He's treating you like you're out for what you can get which is insulting and disrespectful. He is also not coming at this as a couple but as an individual. The "I keep everything because it's mine" mentality really just can't work in a relationship.

I would rent my house...

I understand protecting assets. I would want us both protected.

I would like to build something together too.
Thank you for your posts i think speaking with a solicitor is a good idea for us both

Personally I wouldn’t be keen to live like a lodger when I’m used to owning my own home. I’m used to making decisions about my own furniture and surroundings and would find it difficult to cede control.

I do get the once bitten twice shy thing but you are not her and shouldn’t have to live your life making up for her/ his previous decision making.

I personally wouldn’t be keen not move in and maintain your own spaces.

I think he’ll soften in time, it may come across harshly but the heart of this is protecting himself, he’s probably too old to pay off a third mortgage. If you built up your rent and a f* off fund as your tenants will probably have a six month clause where you’d need somewhere to stay - or to head off round the world if you could. I’d not be keen on not making his house your home to some degree but that can be considered somehow.

I think you both need to protect your assets.

I think it makes sense to have an agreement that if your relationship ends you will vacate his property with a month's notice. That way he can't just throw you out on the street. After all, you'll need to find alternative accommodation because your house will be rented out so if your relationship end you'll need to find somewhere to live.

I'd wouldn't be added to the bills. I wouldn't want to be liable for them or have to take meter readi gs in event of a separation. I'd just tell him yo take the readings and to tally up your share that month. Things like gas and electric you pay more in the summer to cover the winter but I'd think it'd unfair for you to build up credit on those accounts when you potentially might mot be there then.

I think your better to consider yourself a tenant rather than a partner.

I think having this conversation is sensible. Agreeing what happens if you separate is good planning especially if he owns the house you live in. A joint account for bills is a good idea so you both retain your own accounts and income.
Most of the conversation sounds mature. Except the bit about you moving out immediately if he says so. That’s not practical if you’ve rented your house out, you’d need time to give notice to move back. And depending on the type of person he is, he could hold this over you and leave you homeless on a whim. That’s not reasonable.
If this is your first conversation then go back and discuss it more when you’ve both had time to reflect on what you’ve said initially. And perhaps agree to get a legal agreement drawn up as well.

Really appreciate your inputs.

Its such a tricky subject.

Ive a good solid career and raised my sons and very much used to making decisions about bills and furniture.

Is it possible to like financially be set up like a tenant and have a say over the goings on in a house. Im not sure what im asking there.

I definately want a place i live to be a home. I dont want to sleep with one eye open and as an independant adult wouldnt want the 'this is how it is, because i say it is' approach laid on me.

And im sure that isnt whats happening here. I think its a sensitive subject. I did what i thought was a 50/50 split with my exhusband but it turned out it wasnt. Hed worked things so i paid twice for car for example. I just hadnt seen it coming. Then him and his family turned the back on our sons which i never in a million years he was capable let alone his mum. Hed met someone within 3 months and she was pregnant. She wasnt happy with the contact i had with the family and i would get messages from her direct or she would have his phone snd message. It was crazy. The finsncial side of things i agreed to lots because the strain of it. I didnt think fighting was worth however much. I wanted peace.

Im quite scared of being in a position again where i feel so exposed and vulnerable.
I think the talk last night and a bit when we woke has brought some of thst back.

My DP used language like, 'if i need to get rid of you out the house, if u didnt go id call the police'. I know where hes coming from but it just feels a bit brutal. Ive never overstayed my welcome in fact ive been overtly cautious. Im mindful of where i even park the car.

Yea i think its just brought some things up for me.

I almost want to get an agreement in place, let the dust settle and see if in a years time maybe. I dont think hes ready yet. I dont think he'd be as brutal in language use.

But i feel like i want to look and know the whites of the guys eyes. Its not a side/thought process ive seen of him.

Wow, he’d call the police to remove you and make you homeless? You really shouldn’t be moving in with someone who tells you they’d treat you like this. I’d actually reconsider the whole relationship after that.

Do you really, really, really want to live with this man? If not, then keep living separately and have the good parts of the relationship without the domestic drudgery and arguments. I wish I’d done that and we own everything 50:50 so we don’t have the added complications of your proposed setup.

Besides an exit plan i.e length of stay after a split.

What else she be in an agreement to protect us both? Looking at it from both sides of the coin

One thing you haven't mentioned, that comes up a lot on here, is that you'd be living with his teenagers (and possibly with his adult kids for a long time unless they all find full time homes of their own).

I've seen this as a source of stress a lot on here when the teen/adult kids are making loads of noise/mess and not pulling their weight, their parent (usually dad) doesn't enforce it, and the step parent (usually step mum) doesn't feel they can say anything and ends up feeling like everyone's unappreciated skivvy.

Might be another thing to consider when deciding whether to move in together. You can always stay together but keep your own places.

@HeatedBlanketAllYear thats how my head feels. I just want to be sure im hearing him right. Its spun my head hearing it.

Hes said hes just being general....as in how would u grt someone out. But even that....its not a thought process i would expect from him if that makes sense.
I think hes scared of being trapped in an acrimonious situation. But hes saying it really crassly (its too early to swear) and im trying to remain objective and not let my own experience project onto it. But hes being a tool in how hes saying thinhs.

I dont know. Im a little thrown.

Also I do see what you mean about making the house your home. I think there is a difference between:

• Having a claim on ownership of the house - you are happy not to as you have your own house for financial security, and he probably wants to protect this for himself / his kids - fair enough.

• Having equal say on the environment you live in - I would say if you move in then you need to be equals in this, rather than you feeling like a lodger. So things like furniture, cooking and chores, how the household is run - I wouldn't want to move in unless I had equal say in those things. But I think that is tricky when you're moving in with his kids as well as him (as above).

@DisappearingGirl good point. This was a source of stress when we took the space.

Is it just the way now of life that people dont live together much?

My divorce was 2008 so im 17 odd years moved on from it. I used to say i never remarry. But meeting my DP changed how i thought about things. Found i started thinking about marriage which was strange at first.
We spoke about it and hes not open to that and i respect that. Its not essential for me.

He is about 7 years post divorce

My DP used language like, 'if i need to get rid of you out the house, if u didnt go id call the police'.

Well, what a charmer! I mean it's sensible to think about what would happen if you split up, but this is a pretty horrible way to phrase it.

If you agree to move in with someone then you have to be up for making some compromises and sacrifices. One of them is that you can't just decide overnight that you want to "get rid of them" as your house is now also their house! If he envisages you moving in like a lodger with no rights and no notice period, then I'd agree he's not ready to live with someone.