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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

5 years together and talked about living together

39 replies

Vibing · 05/05/2025 07:47

We had a tricky conversation last night and a bit thrown.

Both have kids from previous marriages. Mine are grown and left home. His 3 are teenagers, eldest off to uni this year.
Weve slowly come together. About 2 years ago we had some space but we would meet for a coffee ever 1 or 2 weeks which increased to regular dates and more time together we worked through the things we were bumping heads on.

We spoke aboit living together last night. Now i always knew he didnt want to have someone on his mortgage again. (I own my own home). But his other thoughts
He would buy all furniture so if we split up there wouldnt be splitting of furniture.
I would give him some money each month towards the bills.
He would want an agreement that if we split there would be something legally binding to say id pretty much leave the house and not drag out staying.

Id initially suggested a joint bill paying account that we put money in for bills.
He was defensive saying that after 2 years i would beable yo claim a share of the house so he wasnt having that. Then the rest of above came out.

I suppose im asking. Is he being unreasonable. Is that extreme or normal these days.

OP posts:

Aizen · 05/05/2025 10:50

Think a bit first about your "step mum" status here if you move in together.

Everything is fine now as you live separately. I'm not saying it won't work out, but think the whole scenario through. How do you get on with his children? Do they live with him or with their mum and do they spend a lot of time with him?

I wouldn't move in with anyone at this stage of my life - and I didn't! We are together 20 years, no kids involved either and it is the best of both worlds honestly. I have no worries about my finances or the security of my own home.

I suppose though, if you decide to go for it, you will always have your own home to go back to if things don't work out. At the end of the day you are to all intents and purposes a lodger in his home. I don't blame him being wary of the potential claims that could arise from you living there.

What if he moved into your house? What would you do to protect your interests? Think about it from that perspective maybe.

Bananalanacake · 05/05/2025 10:55

Why move in at all, enjoy things as they are and keep your own space.

OrangeAndPistachio · 05/05/2025 10:56

Based on your posts op I don't think you should move in with him. He's already talking about how he'd get rid of you and you've not even moved in yet. Doesn't want to marry you , which is fine in isolation, but as part of the bigger picture he's not willing to be a partner is he?

Together but separate is not something that can be successfully done in my opinion , especially when he's using that language to describe your potential situation.

I can see why you're hesitant. It wouldn't feel like your home , because he's made it clear that it won't be.

AnonWho23 · 05/05/2025 11:03

Vibing · 05/05/2025 10:13

Really appreciate your inputs.

Its such a tricky subject.

Ive a good solid career and raised my sons and very much used to making decisions about bills and furniture.

Is it possible to like financially be set up like a tenant and have a say over the goings on in a house. Im not sure what im asking there.

I definately want a place i live to be a home. I dont want to sleep with one eye open and as an independant adult wouldnt want the 'this is how it is, because i say it is' approach laid on me.

And im sure that isnt whats happening here. I think its a sensitive subject. I did what i thought was a 50/50 split with my exhusband but it turned out it wasnt. Hed worked things so i paid twice for car for example. I just hadnt seen it coming. Then him and his family turned the back on our sons which i never in a million years he was capable let alone his mum. Hed met someone within 3 months and she was pregnant. She wasnt happy with the contact i had with the family and i would get messages from her direct or she would have his phone snd message. It was crazy. The finsncial side of things i agreed to lots because the strain of it. I didnt think fighting was worth however much. I wanted peace.

Im quite scared of being in a position again where i feel so exposed and vulnerable.
I think the talk last night and a bit when we woke has brought some of thst back.

My DP used language like, 'if i need to get rid of you out the house, if u didnt go id call the police'. I know where hes coming from but it just feels a bit brutal. Ive never overstayed my welcome in fact ive been overtly cautious. Im mindful of where i even park the car.

Yea i think its just brought some things up for me.

I almost want to get an agreement in place, let the dust settle and see if in a years time maybe. I dont think hes ready yet. I dont think he'd be as brutal in language use.

But i feel like i want to look and know the whites of the guys eyes. Its not a side/thought process ive seen of him.

Have you considered BOTH renting your house our. Then renting a house together as a couple. That way you both have equal rights to the home you live in but also have very separate properties/assets with neither of you having a claim on the other person's. I wouldn't like the power imbalance of the situation he's suggesting.

Original poster

Vibing · 05/05/2025 11:07

@AnonWho23 funnily enough he did suggest that as one thing

OP posts:

MinnieGirl · 05/05/2025 11:10

Lovelysummerdays · 05/05/2025 08:59

Personally I wouldn’t be keen to live like a lodger when I’m used to owning my own home. I’m used to making decisions about my own furniture and surroundings and would find it difficult to cede control.

I do get the once bitten twice shy thing but you are not her and shouldn’t have to live your life making up for her/ his previous decision making.

I personally wouldn’t be keen not move in and maintain your own spaces.

I totally agree with this.
Just think what this would mean…it would continue to be his house and his furniture. And you would pay towards bills, just like a lodger. He would have final say about all furnishings. It’s not exactly a shared partnership is it…
I bet that he’s wary, but I couldn’t live like that. I would not be wanting to live with him based on what he’s told you.

OrangeAndPistachio · 05/05/2025 11:11

@Vibing I'm noticing that there isn't any respect or consideration for the fact that you will go back to living with kids again. Teenaged kids. I'm very much reading between the lines op , but is this a good situation for you to get into?

He seems only to be concerned about his end , you're just expected to fit in where you can.

Only you know your relationship , but you've not painted a great picture of your boyfriend here.

Original poster

Vibing · 05/05/2025 11:14

Maybe rent for a couple of years.

We each rent our own houses out.

Then maybe buy together but we still have our houses as assets.

Im not sure he will buy together. But i guess that weve tried and tested living together fully. We still have protection for our own kids.

OP posts:

dointhebestwecan · 05/05/2025 11:20

Don’t do it!!!! Listen to what he said about calling the police and don’t try to reframe it. If you need to leave him he will turn nasty. This is what always happens and you (and I!) have experienced it. He could claim for damage to furniture, think of things you owe him etc. keep your assets and ensure the dynamics of the relationship remain equal and independent. That’s the only way you won’t sacrifice your agency.

Livinghappy · 05/05/2025 11:34

Listen to what he said about calling the police and don’t try to reframe it

This phrase suggests he is high conflict. It's so aggressive and isn't a "normal" response...unless you and him have history where you have refused to leave after an argument?

How did his last relationship end? Was their much conflict? That is a strong indicator or how he will treat you.

You would be a lodger in his house but would you be happy renting a separate place where you are a lone voice in a household of 5?

OrangeAndPistachio · 05/05/2025 11:46

@Livinghappy very true. My (now) husband moved into my house but not once did I speak about getting rid of him or calling the police when we were ironing out the details. These conversations can be civilised.

Original poster

Vibing · 05/05/2025 11:46

@dointhebestwecan

I guess i am reframing. I thibk its because i wouldnt have thought hed talk like that.

And the 'agency' is probably the right word of what i 100 per cent to keep.

@Livinghappy his split was a bit of both high conflict but really easy with other parts i believe. All amicable until he started seeing me. It settled but she found it (insert the right word)seeing me in his kids lives. She turned up at the house a couple of times. I had her screaming out of her car window one tine because i was walking the kids dog (she goes back and forth with kids), i was walking mie at the same time. I wasnt going to leave her behind. All that settled in time.

Id like to think im super respectful of his and kids space. I hope ive been anyway.

His exwife left him and house and moved out quite quickly once they decided on the split and how theyd split things. I can only go off of what DP has told me though

OP posts:

AnonWho23 · 05/05/2025 11:56

That's the only way I'd do it. You're on a more equal footing then. You split everything in a fair way. If hes got kids staying the he needs to pay more because they will need accommodating. Make sure its actually fair and you don't get fucked. He's 4 people and your 1. Also, make sure you understand how the distribution of labour is going to work. I know his kids are older but you dont want to end up doing all the housework and being a nanny with a fanny. Youve raised your kids and done your minding. If it turns to shit and doesn't work out you both have till the end of the lease get out. You'll both be equally displaced.

Biffbaff · 05/05/2025 13:47

Vibing · 05/05/2025 10:26

Besides an exit plan i.e length of stay after a split.

What else she be in an agreement to protect us both? Looking at it from both sides of the coin

Presumably what you envisage is a long-term commitment, as you were open to marrying him. He's basically offering that you move into his house, he keeps it as his house, he owns everything in it, and he reserves the right to have you forcibly removed from the premises if things turn sour.

I'm not sure I would be willing to do that but if you really want to move in with him and they are the terms then you absolutely need to have a fall-back option. Because let's say he suddenly died of a heart attack and his house was left to his kids, you would be made homeless. Ditto if he decided to break up with you. Make sure you ring-fence your own money/house assets and keep them for yourself in your name. It sounds like you are probably going to need them.

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