Should I stop contact?

[BB333]

2 children with ex.(11,13) Ex was horrifically abusive, sexually, mentally and financially. Finally left with the children 8 years ago. I haven’t stopped access despite the abuse I suffered. I would argue that the children suffered second hand abuse from being in the environment, certainly not directly.
in the last 8 years ex has barely paid. Current arrears for child maintenance stand at 30k. CMS dealing with it. Still haven’t stopped contact. Children with him one weekend a month, if he can afford to have them. He still gambles dreadfully.

AIBU that I want to stop contact? I don’t see why he should have the children if he doesn’t pay for them. But then I understand that children aren’t “pay per view”. But how am I suppose to cover the petrol to take them down to his? (2 hrs away)
we’ve had some utterly heartbreaking moments over the 8 years, kids have gone for their bdays/xmas and he’s got them nothing. Not a single present. He says it’s because he has no money, and they’ll get something the month after. My argument is that he knows when Xmas/bdays are and he should a budget for it like I have to do.

when the kids go to his they’re allowed to do what they like, every meal is a take out. Don’t have to shower/ can go to bed when they want etc. obviously when they’re with me I have the very normal household rules that I assume 99% of households have with school age kids.

when I ask what they did at their dads all I get is “nothing, we didn’t go out, dad slept all the time”. My DD (11) even said “there was not much point in going” the last time they went.

BUT here’s the thing- were I to stand in front of a judge and the judge ask what my safeguarding concerns were? I have none. He’s lazy, and gambles, and is financially abusing me still but he wouldn’t hurt the children.

I don’t no if im BU? Should I just leave it? I’m hoping the kids will see what he’s like the older they get. I’ve kept all proof of non payments for when/if they ask when they’re older.

any constructive feedback/legal advice about where I stand would be appreciated

I wouldn’t be even entertaining the idea of paying to take them to his once a month - I’d make a point of saying you aren’t paying maintenance so if you want to see them you’ll have to travel here. Contact will naturally stop then anyway.
he doesn’t sound like the sort to take you to court anyway

Do they want to go? And why are you taking them?

They're at an age when they can have an imput, but I really don't get why you're paying for the transport, particularly if they're not bothered.

He is hurting the dc because he refuses to pay maintenance. He isn’t parenting.
Not being hit or yelled at is a pretty low bar.

My df was a gentle person compared to dm who was shouty and hit us.
It was only as an adult I realised we were so poor because df spent all his money on himself and the reason my dm was snappy was because she was trying to keep her head above water financially whilst raising dc almost single handled.

Do the DC want to go? If they do then I guess you suck it up until they realise the truth. If they don't then you put the journey on him which I doubt he will make so solves the issue and reinforces the point to the DC that he's not making any effort. If he can't afford a birthday gift I highly doubt you'll end up in court and if you do then the DC are old enough to have their wishes listened to and state they are matching his energy and don't want contact

It's up to them.

Yes, they still want to go- I mean any kid would. Take outs and no rules, must be amazing for a kid!
2 hrs is half way, thought it was only fair to drive.

you sound like my friend 😁. She’s always saying “if he can’t afford to pay maintenance then he’ll not be able to afford court!”

Just to add- children still want to go. I think maybe because they don’t want to hurt their dads feelings and because they get to have a weekend of zero rules and junk food!
also to add- I’m still absolutely petrified of this man. Very easy for ppl to say “just don’t take them down” but in reality I’m so scared of his reaction that I just do it.

But would a judge say that not paying maintenance is abuse safeguarding issue?
i was always on edge when we were together, there were times when we didn’t have nappies or milk. It’s made me incredibly sensible with money.

Stop taking them down. Make him make the effort.

Didn't you post the exact same thread yesterday? The 'pay per view' comment gives it away!

Hello @BB333

This sounds tricky & I am sorry for what you have been through.
Have you considered getting advice from Child Law Advice or Rights of Women?
I can’t post links, but you can look them up.
Good luck

He sounds way way way too lazy to take you to court. Tell him to come and collect them. Or, better, you collect them from his, he collects them from yours. That's completely fair. Don't let it be the other way round or you'll end up collecting them every single time anyway

I did yes, thought I’d word it better a second time round and try and explain things better. Didn’t think I made a very good job of it yesterday 😂

Amazing how he can afford takeaways but not child support 🤔

And fags and gambling……….
he can also afford to take them on uk holidays….. which I pay for through not receiving maintenance. I can’t afford to take them away anywhere or for take aways

That would be helpful thank you

Can you explain to your kids you cannot afford to drive that far anymore, then they dont have to chose or feel like they hurt his feelings.
Also explain it like this to ex? That you do not have the money for it for a good while and could he make arrangements for pickup.
Matter a factly write that he doesnt pay maintenance and so all costs come down to you and you ran out of options.
Set this text up with your friend and make it closed for discussion, only one answer needed; how he will pick up the ball.
Leave this with him. If you write this in text or e-mail, and say "start work now so please write back". No phone calls.
You can prove he doesnt pay you maintenance with your bank statements (and his will show the same, so no worries there).
See what happens.
Good chance nothing will and you will be free for months in a row.
This is how I did it. It took me lots of help though from people with an objective view as I was constantly inclined to solve his wrong doings.

Thank you. Easier said than done for me I’m afraid, I’m too scared of his reaction to do this. I’ve actually nearly lost a good friend over it- she got so fed up of telling me to do what you advised that she will no longer speak to me on the subject. I know I need to grow a backbone.

If you are scared you really should get professional legal & emotional support to enable you to do what you need to do.

I understand, it is never as easy as you would have done it already.
What could his reaction be do you think?
You could write down all his possible reactions and then think of a reply (or none) to them.
You will be prepaired. And his actions will be documented.
Think of a way to avoid phone calls. You could probably best contact Child Law Advice or Rights of Women as pp mentioned.
I think this is important for you to do now. You are not with him anymore physically, next step is mentally.
You are in the right, he is wrong.
You think of your kids, he does not.
Hold strong.

Thank you. My friend also asks this, she says “he can’t sexually abuse you anymore, and if he threatens you that’s just words, he’s already financially abusing you so he can’t start doing that. So what are you afraid of?!” I can never answer, just like I can’t answer you. I guess I’m scared he’ll take the children from me and not give them back, or perhaps turn up at my house and hurt me. But then thinking rationally about it he can’t afford to pay maintenance so he wouldn’t be able to afford the petrol to come up to my house.

If two hours away is half way, he must live about 4 hours away from you... guessing 200 miles plus. How often are you taking them? This is a huge distance and a burden on school children to travel that distance. Certainly would not entertain every other weekend.

If you're happy to let them see him for holidays then perhaps do that.

If there's a court order though, you may end up in breach of you just withhold. You could take it back to court and explain you can't afford it as he's not paying any money and you can also mention your concerns. I do think being asleep when in charge of the children regularly, is a bit of a safeguarding concern depending on the environment and how much he does it.

I wouldn't want my child so far away from me with my ex. That's why despite similar background, I stayed nearby. But that brings different issues.

It's hard @BB333 . Hope you can get some counselling to help you move on in your head. I'd say I'm not afraid of exh now but I know there's a monster in him despite how he comes across most of the time. The mask still slips and it makes me sick. I don't feel comfortable standing next to him and I will never let him in my house.

You're afraid because he's programmed you. It's deep. Your friend's logic is hard to argue with but for years this man will have worked on you. You've likely trod on eggshells for years. It's hard. You could do with some help with it.

Thank you, not quite that distance but the traffic is always dreadful so it takes about 2 hours there and back. So that’s 4 hrs on a Friday after school and about 3 on a Sunday as the traffic is quieter. He sees them one weekend a month. No court order, just agreed between ourselves.