Should I stop contact?

[BB333]

2 children with ex.(11,13) Ex was horrifically abusive, sexually, mentally and financially. Finally left with the children 8 years ago. I haven’t stopped access despite the abuse I suffered. I would argue that the children suffered second hand abuse from being in the environment, certainly not directly.
in the last 8 years ex has barely paid. Current arrears for child maintenance stand at 30k. CMS dealing with it. Still haven’t stopped contact. Children with him one weekend a month, if he can afford to have them. He still gambles dreadfully.

AIBU that I want to stop contact? I don’t see why he should have the children if he doesn’t pay for them. But then I understand that children aren’t “pay per view”. But how am I suppose to cover the petrol to take them down to his? (2 hrs away)
we’ve had some utterly heartbreaking moments over the 8 years, kids have gone for their bdays/xmas and he’s got them nothing. Not a single present. He says it’s because he has no money, and they’ll get something the month after. My argument is that he knows when Xmas/bdays are and he should a budget for it like I have to do.

when the kids go to his they’re allowed to do what they like, every meal is a take out. Don’t have to shower/ can go to bed when they want etc. obviously when they’re with me I have the very normal household rules that I assume 99% of households have with school age kids.

when I ask what they did at their dads all I get is “nothing, we didn’t go out, dad slept all the time”. My DD (11) even said “there was not much point in going” the last time they went.

BUT here’s the thing- were I to stand in front of a judge and the judge ask what my safeguarding concerns were? I have none. He’s lazy, and gambles, and is financially abusing me still but he wouldn’t hurt the children.

I don’t no if im BU? Should I just leave it? I’m hoping the kids will see what he’s like the older they get. I’ve kept all proof of non payments for when/if they ask when they’re older.

any constructive feedback/legal advice about where I stand would be appreciated

Well that's makes things simpler if there's no court order, in some ways, though if you do fear genuinely that if angered, he may not return the children, then you don't have that protection. If he has parental responsibility then either of you can have the children though obviously if you went to court in an emergency under those circumstances it wouldn't be in their interests to be kept away from their home and school and normal care.

This distance/travel time is too much while kids are at school imo.

I assume he works, he just has no money because of gambling?

I suppose it comes down to this... Are the kids at risk or is it just not very good care? Is once a month too much with that distance and does it have a negative impact on them when they get home ? E.g. are they exhausted and don't concentrate in school?

Can you genuinely not afford it?

I mean bottom line is if you don't have the petrol money because he's not paying you, you can't do it.

How do kids feel?

If you do decide to withhold contact, make sure you do things in writing. Make clear the factual reasons why. Offer video chat or phone calls. Offer some time in school holidays.

I understand how scary it is though.

You do not have to speak to him though. And you can do it all via email if you need to.

Thank you, I think you’ve hit the nail on the head with your comment about if the kids are at risk or is it just poor care. Again, stood in front of a judge I wouldn’t be able to say they’re at risk, but it’s 100% poor care. Yep as soon as he gets paid he withdraws it and gambles. There’s a doe in place by child maintenance. I’ll get one payment then he switches jobs. You can tell if he’s had a big win on the gamblers as the kids will come home kitted out in the latest kit, things that I couldn’t even dream of affording.
kids are becoming more and more unbothered about if they go or not. For example on the times when he cancels because he says he can’t afford to have them, they’re not upset.

Then I'd reduce but not remove contact. Holiday periods for a couple of days and then they have time to recover when they get back.

As they get older, they'll get more say and also need more time at home to do homework and see friends. I'd think carefully about what reason you want to give. Financial implication is reasonable but I'd focus on the children's interests.

If you stuck to holidays, then it's only going from once a month to once every 6-7 weeks and that's essentially no different if he's cancelling no and again anyway. The difference is it's better for the kids and you.

I'd suggest, if you still are willing to do the drive halfway thing, that at the least he sends you petrol money in advance. This is money he owes you. If he doesn't, and you genuinely will struggle to pay for it otherwise, then cancel but then it's his responsibility. Might work?

I'm not a lawyer btw. Just someone who's been through it and ended up self repping in court. It's horrendous so hoping it doesn't go that way for you unless necessary.

Do you have a record of when he's cancelled and how often btw?

Thank you that’s good advice. Reducing contact rather than stopping it all together maybe a good compromise. He might have a less angry reaction this way.