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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish her death had been different

29 replies

Ankleblisters · 05/05/2025 02:30

I've looked after my mother full time for the last five years. She has a rare dementia, late stage. She's only 71. She's the most important person in the entire world to me.
She's always been a really peaceful sleeper. We'd put her to bed and when we got her up in the morning she'd not have moved an inch.
This morning (yesterday morning I suppose, technically) we found her face down on the floor. When we turned her over it was obvious she was dead. I would give ANYTHING to erase the image from my mind. Im lying here seeing it again and again and again. Wondering if she suffered. Wondering how she felt. Wondering what if. What we could have done differently. Whether we could have saved her.
The paramedics said it would have been very quick. Probably a seizure or a stroke. But how can they know? And her eyes were open. So was she awake? Aware? Desperate for us to come and help her?
I know she has been spared the worst parts of end of life with dementia. But I cannot bear the thought of her suffering in any way. I wish she'd had a more peaceful death. I wish I'd been with her.
And I wasn't ready to lose her. I wanted to keep her forever and look after her and wake her every morning with gentleness and love and music and make her smile.
I can't bear it.

OP posts:

DysmalRadius · 05/05/2025 02:38

I'm so so sorry for your loss and for the awful way it happened. You sound like a lovely daughter and I'm sure your mum felt loved as it radiates from your post. I hope you find some peace and I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. 💐

TheHerboriste · 05/05/2025 02:40

💐She probably wasn’t aware of anything.
sorry you had that experience.
The unpleasant images take a while to fade but someday you’ll remember her as she used to be.

BlueEyedBogWitch · 05/05/2025 02:40

Oh sweetheart, I’m so sorry for your loss. You sound like the most loving daughter, and your mum must have been the most wonderful mum to have inspired such love and devotion.

You’ve had the most awful shock, and your mind is doing what minds do at a time like this; reeling and searching for answers.

Try to put your trust in what the professionals are telling you. They will have seen the arrival of death in all its forms, and they’ll recognise a person whose end has been quick and peaceful. Lean into their knowledge, because this is new to you, and very familiar to them.

The world shifts on its axis when you lose your mum. It’s disorienting and destabilising. In time, you’ll adjust. But for now, be kind to yourself. You were there for the five years of tough times when she really needed you. The last few moments, she could manage on her own. She’s peaceful now.

CointreauQuaint · 05/05/2025 02:48

I’m so sorry. Please try not to dwell on it, it seems as though she wouldn’t have felt anything and it was just a specific moment in time. I really hope you can move on from this and you sound like a lovely loving daughter xxx

Anotherparkingthread · 05/05/2025 02:58

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your mum sounds wonderful and in time the bad memory will be replaced by the hundreds of good ones.
When my dad passed away, he had a stroke, and I was devastated and frightened, but I don't think of that memory any more. It took a while to truly fade but it did.

On a scientific level, her eyes will have opened naturally after her passing. The muscle that control our eyes work to close them, their neutral position is open. It won't be an indication that she was afraid or in pain. She almost certainly went very peacefully and quickly. I think her last memory was probably just getting into bed.

Profhilodisaster · 05/05/2025 02:58

I'm so sorry that you lost your mum, I had similar with my dad. Please know that she did not suffer, she wouldn't have been aware of anything and her eyes were only open because her muscles were relaxed. It is sad that you weren't with her when she passed but take comfort from the fact that you loved and cared for her when she needed you. You have been a wonderful daughter.
The pain is unbearable now, I know how hard it is, someone told me to try not to fight it but to let it come and breathe through the waves of it .
Take care of yourself and again I'm so sorry 💐

RobintheNun · 05/05/2025 03:20

Thinking of you OP x

Oblomov25 · 05/05/2025 03:33

So sorry for your loss. You are in shock and grief. Hopefully as time passes you won't remember that last image so much, and it will fade, to be replaced by all the happy lovely memories you have.

Monty27 · 05/05/2025 03:43

@Ankleblisters all likelihood your mum was unaware of her last moments. Heartfelt condolences to you and wider family and friends.
It's early days but over time try to replace that image with a joyful memory.
She'd prefer that I'm sure.
Wishing you strength x

Kittyfluff · 05/05/2025 03:58

I'm so sorry for your loss. You must be in so much shock. I can tell you this. My mum passed in her sleep but her eyes opened afterwards. The doctor said it was a muscle contraction thing and didn't mean she was awake when she went. She was attended at the time too. When it's time, it's time and your presence would not have stopped her passing.

My DH's mum was found exactly the same way as yours by his siblings. It was very shocking for them but they were also told it wouldn't have made a difference if they were in the room by the doctor.

I heard an elderly lady pass while I was on a hospital ward. It was very upsetting indeed. It was very quick. Very. One moment she was breathing loudly and within a split second she was gone. There were no sounds of suffering. Just sudden silence and it was like feeling the suffering leave her.

I know your heart is breaking right now but you will come to terms with it in time. Try to be patient and compassionate towards yourself. 💐

emsjk · 05/05/2025 04:15

op I’m so sorry. My dad is also 73 with lewy body dementia. It’s a horrible disease.

I was just hoping to give you some reassurance, because you’re here up in the wee hours wondering whether she was awake or aware.

At some point I became obsessed with finding everything out about this topic. When you are born and when you die your body releases a chemical called DMT which causes this profound and beautiful experience. Words can’t do justice to describe the experience. https://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/article/dd52796e-5935-414e-af0c-de9686d02afa

She went peacefully. With love in her heart for you.

mintydoggyv · 05/05/2025 04:42

Your mum is at peace now . She would not have known what happened . So very sorry you have done a great job looking after her all this time . It's hard work l know my partner had vascular dimentia for 5 years . Passed while sleeping as well in the morning and there is always that question did they suffer . The gp came to me the answer was no ,no suffering my partner passed in feb so beginning to feel a little better l am for you so very very sorry mums are so special . You will have a lot to deal with now but please if you are very upset to contact your GP and get support or contact Cruise who will support you and it's good to talk There is an online. Cruise bereavement page on face book which may help all the very best to you

MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot · 05/05/2025 05:43

I am so sorry for the circumstances of your mum dying and you finding her like that. You must be in terrible shock and raw grief at the moment.

If I could choose the way that I died it would be instant without knowing anything about it, secure in the love of my family. I think most people would wish the same and that is exactly what your mum experienced.

You sound wonderful and I hope you have someone taking care and loving you the way you did your mum x

HaveCreditWillShop · 05/05/2025 06:29

I’m so sorry for your loss x x x. I lost my mama in 2018 aged 66 from Motor Neurone Disease.

when it first happens it’s so raw. In a little while you may find some counselling helps. I think part of it is that none of us knows what death looks like, and we do not know what to expect.

you could try speaking to your local hospice, speaking to Marie Curie, Cruse bereavement care and I’m sure one of them will answer your questions honestly.

I do understand the pictures in your mind. What I can tell you is that my Mama’s eyes were open and I couldn’t even close them after she had gone - it’s not like the movies, their eyes don’t close like they’re asleep. I hope that helps a little. I’m certain she didn’t suffer. She’s free as a bird now and I personally believe she’ll be looking down on you wishing you weren’t so sad about how you found her.

Remember, you kept her at home, in her own bed, right until the end, and family were close by. She went to sleep and didn’t wake up. That’s exactly what I’d wish for myself. Wishing you love and be gentle with yourself. So many would have had to put their mum in a home and you didn’t. You did everything you could and more. X

MikeRafone · 05/05/2025 06:35

I’m sorry for your loss and this sudden shock for you.

how do they know, unfortunately they know as they see it themselves when they have been there - and it’s quick.

how do you erase this from your mind, time and thinking about the lovely mother you had. Everything is so very raw right now, that will change. Could you speak to your gp? If they can go over with you what happened and possible put your mind at rest somewhat.

take care of yourself

unsync · 05/05/2025 06:37

I'm sorry this has happened to you. I can tell you that the vividness of the memory fades in time and to see it, you have to conjure it up. After a while, the good and happy memories come to the fore and push the upsetting ones away. It did for me anyway. Look after yourself. 💐

BlossomBlanket · 05/05/2025 06:44

Oh OP I'm so so sorry to hear this, what a sad but beautiful post, your Mum was so lucky to have had the loving care you've given her and she would do anything to ease the pain you're in. I can only agree wholeheartedly with what other posters have already said. Be gentle and loving to yourself Xx

Squarestones · 05/05/2025 06:57

I'm so sorry for your loss and the experience of finding her. There's a lot of wisdom on this thread already, I hope some of it chimes with you and helps you through the first steps. Let others take care of you, if you can, and I hope you get some rest x

HollidaySunshine · 05/05/2025 07:15

I’m so sorry, the images will fade, try and focus on how grateful she would have been to have been so loved and cared for

Original poster

Ankleblisters · 05/05/2025 07:20

Thank you all so much. Your wisdom and kindness has been an indescribable balm through what was a real dark night of the soul. It's also been incredibly helpful to know that her eyes being open doesn't mean she was awake or conscious when she passed. As I read your messages, my cat, who usually stays out gallivanting most of the night, came and lay beside me and stayed all night with his paws touching me at all times and his eyes on me with such love and concern - I wanted to believe her spirit had sent him somehow.
This morning I've been watching videos of her from the last few years - being her wonderful, kind, warm, hilarious self. Even with dementia she was so full of love and fun. I'm going to miss her immeasurably.
I don't know how I will organise my days without calculating when she next needs a drink or a fresh pant.
Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart. I can't tell you how much I appreciate all your words xxx

OP posts:

whiteblossoms · 05/05/2025 07:41

I’m very sorry for your loss, it must have been a terrible shock for you. I was with my dad when he passed and he was unconscious at the time but the moment he passed his eyes opened and we could not shut them. The nurses said it was just his muscles releasing so please don’t think your mum was awake at the time.

MikeRafone · 05/05/2025 08:18

Its early days and the feeling of loss and emptiness are heightened.

I lost a loved one during covid and found walking in the early hours a therapeutic way of helping me - id be up and out the door at 5.30am and walk for 5-10 miles at a time. It wasted the morning and gave me something to do as well as a strange routine.

Then as covid ended I to a volunteering role one day a week for a couple of hours, helping gave me purpose

then I started up participating in a sport I enjoy, again surrounding myself with people with similar interest

I slowly put my life back how it made me happy

but all this takes time and doesn't happen overnight, the walking was the first step.

Baking was something else I did a lot of for others

You will find your own way, but for now just take one hour at a time and then one day at a time - go easy on yourself and accept offers of help. If people in RL offer help - say a coffee met up would be good, as this keeps you with people and being social.

Riverswims · 05/05/2025 09:01

I am so sorry. I wish it had been different too. but what shines through the internet is your love for each other and lovely relationship. please carry this round in your heart x 🫂

Outrageistheopiateofthemasses · 05/05/2025 09:44

I am sorry for your loss OP. I am sure she knew how much you loved her

Olivia2024 · 05/05/2025 11:40

So sorry for your loss. I lost my mum a few weeks ago and one of my last memories was her being changed in an undignified way with a nappy type thing and I can’t get that image out my mind either as she was so undignified which I know she would have hated. I also saw her die which I’ve struggled with. My point is no it’s not unreasonable to not want to see our mums like this and I’m so sorry you had to find her like you did. Sending you lots of hugs OP xxx

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