To wish her death had been different

[Ankleblisters]

I've looked after my mother full time for the last five years. She has a rare dementia, late stage. She's only 71. She's the most important person in the entire world to me.
She's always been a really peaceful sleeper. We'd put her to bed and when we got her up in the morning she'd not have moved an inch.
This morning (yesterday morning I suppose, technically) we found her face down on the floor. When we turned her over it was obvious she was dead. I would give ANYTHING to erase the image from my mind. Im lying here seeing it again and again and again. Wondering if she suffered. Wondering how she felt. Wondering what if. What we could have done differently. Whether we could have saved her.
The paramedics said it would have been very quick. Probably a seizure or a stroke. But how can they know? And her eyes were open. So was she awake? Aware? Desperate for us to come and help her?
I know she has been spared the worst parts of end of life with dementia. But I cannot bear the thought of her suffering in any way. I wish she'd had a more peaceful death. I wish I'd been with her.
And I wasn't ready to lose her. I wanted to keep her forever and look after her and wake her every morning with gentleness and love and music and make her smile.
I can't bear it.

Your mum was so lucky to have such a loving and caring daughter. It’s the best possible way to go, knowing you were loved and looked after.

Her eyes being open doesn't mean she died awake, it is normal for muscles to relax when we die so this can lead to the eyes opening again when we are dead. You did your mum proud and she would've known she was loved, you've had a huge shock but you've done nothing wrong

I’m so sorry you have lost your lovely mum. I know how hard it is, and I know how difficult is reliving those last images and thinking that is how you will always remember her. I found that it helped to talk about it as much as possible to other people. It’s as if you dilute the memory. I’ve lost my parents, my brother, and my beloved husband. Now, a year later I don’t think of the moment of my husband’s death, I picture him in his chair, smiling at me and telling me how much he loves me. Look up the bereavement journey. I highly recommend it. thebereavementjourney.org

I'm sorry for your loss.

You're still processing things which is why your brain is replaying what you saw. Try to replace it with happier images of your mum.

I'm sure the falling from the bed was a consequence of her passing, not the cause. It sounds like you cared for her so well and she would have known and felt that. x