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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Historical blurred boundaries and holiday plans

45 replies

Rafferty11 · 05/05/2025 00:05

DP had a drunken snog with a close friend before we got together. DP up front about this at the beginning of our relationship and they remain friends. I have met this person a couple of times very briefly - DP tends to see them without me.

Historically DP and their close friend tend to get together every few months and get completely hammered. I have always felt uncomfortable about this but tried to honour their longstanding friendship by accepting this is just what they do.

Now DP has raised the idea of going on holiday with this close friend - either just the two of them or in a small group which doesn’t include me. ( I’m not a massive drinker and I get the impression I would cramp their style.)

AIBU to feel really uncomfortable about this? I worry about the drinking - mainly from a getting hurt perspective but I am also aware that those physical boundaries have already been blurred once and when DP and friend start boozing, there seems to be no stop button.

I don’t feel I have the rights to ask DP not to go but the whole thing sickens me and makes me very uneasy. I have had no reason to doubt my partner but I do feel that if roles were reversed, I wouldn’t even contemplate going knowing how uncomfortable it made my partner.

Can the wisdom of the mumsnet massive tell me if I am being a complete jerk who should get over something that happened years ago or whether they would feel the same?

thanks

OP posts:
SleepyHollowed84 · 05/05/2025 00:08

I’d let DH go tbh. You should be able to trust him and trust your decision.

Whatever happened, happened before you got together so you shouldn’t have any reason to suspect he would betray you.

Personally I’d be more worried about them getting hammered!!

Wholikesbreadandhoney · 05/05/2025 00:09

I'm absolutely amazed you have been OK with your partner going on one to one drinking sessions with this friend.

I think you are being taken for a fool if they now go off on holiday together.

PullTheBricksDown · 05/05/2025 00:10

No, I wouldn't feel happy about that at all. Harder to work out what you can do though. Aren't the two of you going away together?

Original poster
Rafferty11 · 05/05/2025 00:13

We go away together plenty - this would be an extra break for DP.

OP posts:
NotDonna · 05/05/2025 00:24

You’re definitely not being unreasonable. I wouldn’t be keen. I also wouldn’t like the idea of him going out with anyone (male or female) and getting ‘hammered’. Who is in the small group he’s suggesting?

Messycoo · 05/05/2025 00:45

I totally understand your fears, could you not have a chat with DP and say you don’t mind him going away, but you have concerns about boundaries with him getting hammered as will make him venerable and a possibility lines could become blurred, with his friend ?
and yes how would he feel if shoe was on the other foot? So to speak.
Sounds as though you need reassurance from him and I think it reasonable that you mention it otherwise, it’s going to fester and hell us women don’t need that kind of resentment ! lol .

ChunkyMum667 · 05/05/2025 01:04

Not ok but I think it's also not ok that he's doing it in the first place. I honestly don't see a future for your relationship.

My DH would never put me in a position of excluding me from a trip, which he intends to take with a female friend only, who he regularly gets hammered with and has previously kissed.

You really can't win. He's put you in an impossible position because you're either 1) the cool girlfriend who allows him to cheat or 2) the nag that doesn't let him have fun.

Givemethereins · 05/05/2025 04:37

ChunkyMum667 · 05/05/2025 01:04

Not ok but I think it's also not ok that he's doing it in the first place. I honestly don't see a future for your relationship.

My DH would never put me in a position of excluding me from a trip, which he intends to take with a female friend only, who he regularly gets hammered with and has previously kissed.

You really can't win. He's put you in an impossible position because you're either 1) the cool girlfriend who allows him to cheat or 2) the nag that doesn't let him have fun.

This. I think this nails it
You definitly nees to have a conversation with them. Why do they not want you to go?

MiloMinderbinder925 · 05/05/2025 04:37

You're in a very difficult position. I can't believe he wants to go away with this woman and I wouldn't be comfortable with it at all. I would explain that I'm happy for him to go away in the group but not alone with her. Seems like a fair compromise.

Hippee · 05/05/2025 04:51

Tbh I would be more worried about the regular excessive drinking. How old are you all? Are you planning to have kids? Seems a bit immature.

HaveCreditWillShop · 05/05/2025 06:47

I had a partner with a friend like this. Almost identical history and I knew she had most likely been in love with him for a long time, which he didn’t reciprocate. He made it clear he didn’t want to end the friendship and so we went out separate ways. I’ll always wonder ‘what if’ about him, as I thought we had a future. But I couldn’t put up with the female best friend.

im now married, and there’s just no way I’d go out drinking with a male friend and there’s no way my husband would - even less so a holiday! I now understand what a trusting marriage looks like, and it ain’t what you’re describing. Honestly I’d get out now whilst the going is good, as you’re never going to be able to trust that friendship 100%.

let me guess - she’s single…

ReplacementBusService · 05/05/2025 07:11

Just the two of them on holiday together? 🤨 Id keep asking him why that is? My DP also wouldn't put me in this situation, it's very obviously going to cause you to have doubts, unless you're in an open relationship

zaxxon · 05/05/2025 07:19

As a "cool wife" (and proud of it! 😎), I'd tell him to go and have fun. If he cheats, that's on him. What's the alternative? If you try to stop him going, he'll just resent you and be more likely to go and find someone else.

I can never understand the narrative you hear here sometimes of "don't let him do that". You can't "let" or not let your partner do something. They're not your child! You can tell them you feel uncomfortable with it, but ultimately it's their decision what they do. You're always free to take your own decision and leave.

UnkindlyMay · 05/05/2025 07:22

Is he planning on going abroad, and does he know that being drunk will probably invalidate his insurance if so?

Gundogday · 05/05/2025 07:24

Just the two of them? Not on. Even without their history I wouldn’t like it.

CatsAreCool222 · 05/05/2025 07:26

Hang on, why is everyone presuming the partner is male and their friend is female?
They could both be female, does that change things?

soupyspoon · 05/05/2025 07:26

ChunkyMum667 · 05/05/2025 01:04

Not ok but I think it's also not ok that he's doing it in the first place. I honestly don't see a future for your relationship.

My DH would never put me in a position of excluding me from a trip, which he intends to take with a female friend only, who he regularly gets hammered with and has previously kissed.

You really can't win. He's put you in an impossible position because you're either 1) the cool girlfriend who allows him to cheat or 2) the nag that doesn't let him have fun.

Where does OP say its a female friend?

TheNoisesAbove · 05/05/2025 07:27

zaxxon · 05/05/2025 07:19

As a "cool wife" (and proud of it! 😎), I'd tell him to go and have fun. If he cheats, that's on him. What's the alternative? If you try to stop him going, he'll just resent you and be more likely to go and find someone else.

I can never understand the narrative you hear here sometimes of "don't let him do that". You can't "let" or not let your partner do something. They're not your child! You can tell them you feel uncomfortable with it, but ultimately it's their decision what they do. You're always free to take your own decision and leave.

Literally no one has said they wouldn't "let" their partner do this.

They've said they wouldn't be happy, as it feels disrespectful. And that's a totally different thing.

Lurkingandlearning · 05/05/2025 07:41

I agree with @ChunkyMum667 you can’t win.

I grudgingly understand why a group of heavy drinkers might want to holiday together. But he seems to be offering that as an alternative if you give him any pushback about the two of them taking a holiday by themselves. But either way you are excluded even though other women will be going. I suppose it’s a bit like a golf trip, if you don’t play you’d just be in the way, except this is about binge drinking and that would put me off him and his friends. One way or another he wants to go on holiday with this woman.

I would be very curious to know why their drunken kiss went no further. Maybe it was revolting. Maybe it was ok but not exciting enough to risk their friendship. But my money would be on one or both of them had been in a relationship when it happened and a pin was put in it because of bad timing. I doubt he would admit to that if you asked.

Wholikesbreadandhoney · 05/05/2025 07:41

zaxxon · 05/05/2025 07:19

As a "cool wife" (and proud of it! 😎), I'd tell him to go and have fun. If he cheats, that's on him. What's the alternative? If you try to stop him going, he'll just resent you and be more likely to go and find someone else.

I can never understand the narrative you hear here sometimes of "don't let him do that". You can't "let" or not let your partner do something. They're not your child! You can tell them you feel uncomfortable with it, but ultimately it's their decision what they do. You're always free to take your own decision and leave.

Well good for you.

I would say the majority of people in a committed relationship expect to be the primary focus of their partners attention.

They don't expect or want to tolerate a third person in their relationship, as appears to be happening here.

It's not a question of "letting" or " not letting" your partner do something. It's a question of discussing boundaries. And if you can't agree boundaries or one side of the partnership over steps the boundaries then the relationship is not worth continuing.

Callie247 · 05/05/2025 07:46

I think the sex of the friend is a relevant point. Was it a man he got hammered and snogged or a woman? I’d imagine it far less likely to happen again with a man unless he’s a bit both ways than a woman.

BearPear · 05/05/2025 07:46

I read this as the DH and the friend are both male. Not a lot of women see fun in getting “hammered”. I don’t think OP can win, unless her DH is perceptive enough to grasp why the situation is uncomfortable for her, more likely he will just resent her saying no.

Crunchymum · 05/05/2025 07:47

The kiss was before you got together? Never went further? Never happened again?

I'd be more unhappy about all the boozing (I don't drink and couldn't be with someone who was a regular binge drinker) and the fact you are excluded from things like this as you don't drink much.

soupyspoon · 05/05/2025 07:48

The sex of the friend isnt relative, neither is the sex of the OP or partner.

Wholikesbreadandhoney · 05/05/2025 07:51

BearPear · 05/05/2025 07:46

I read this as the DH and the friend are both male. Not a lot of women see fun in getting “hammered”. I don’t think OP can win, unless her DH is perceptive enough to grasp why the situation is uncomfortable for her, more likely he will just resent her saying no.

Well I assumed OP was male and the partner was female.
But I assumed OP deliberately has not revealed the genders of people involved in order to get unbiased advice .
If OP doesn't want to reveal the genders that's entirely their prerogative .