Historical blurred boundaries and holiday plans

[Rafferty11]

DP had a drunken snog with a close friend before we got together. DP up front about this at the beginning of our relationship and they remain friends. I have met this person a couple of times very briefly - DP tends to see them without me.

Historically DP and their close friend tend to get together every few months and get completely hammered. I have always felt uncomfortable about this but tried to honour their longstanding friendship by accepting this is just what they do.

Now DP has raised the idea of going on holiday with this close friend - either just the two of them or in a small group which doesn’t include me. ( I’m not a massive drinker and I get the impression I would cramp their style.)

AIBU to feel really uncomfortable about this? I worry about the drinking - mainly from a getting hurt perspective but I am also aware that those physical boundaries have already been blurred once and when DP and friend start boozing, there seems to be no stop button.

I don’t feel I have the rights to ask DP not to go but the whole thing sickens me and makes me very uneasy. I have had no reason to doubt my partner but I do feel that if roles were reversed, I wouldn’t even contemplate going knowing how uncomfortable it made my partner.

Can the wisdom of the mumsnet massive tell me if I am being a complete jerk who should get over something that happened years ago or whether they would feel the same?

thanks

Wouldn't bother me at all cheating wise (obviously it was before you) but these aren't the people I would hang around I'd I wasn't into it drinking/socialising either to be fair

Have you got any male friends you could spend 121 time with.
Lets see the trust go both ways

I didn’t mention gender as I didn’t feel it was relevant, but for the record all parties are female.

Thanks for your thoughts. Lots to think about.

The very first reply says "I’d let DH go tbh"! So that poster feels she has the choice.

I can understand people not being happy, and having boundaries for themselves. But asking your partner not to do something like this is imposing external boundaries on them. Which is altogether different.

That said, I can understand trying to persuade your partner out of excessive drinking, which can be really dangerous - that's a separate issue.

You really can't win. He's put you in an impossible position because you're either 1) the cool girlfriend who allows him to cheat or 2) the nag that doesn't let him have fun.

This, irrespective of genders

Sorry OP but they are already having an affair. I’ve been on both sides of this before.

If you don’t feel comfortable- then no.
personally I think that there are trust issues in the relationship that need further exploration.

Depending on the sexes involved I'd be more or less unhappy.

The way this is worded it all sounds quite juvenile but then I'm not a big boozer. Does the OP think this is an excuse for DP and friend to get it on?

Why does it depend on the sexes involved?

I’m struggling for relevance, but also what the heck? Lot of folks in Magaluf/Ayia Napa/Faliraki with no insurance right now then 😆

Ive seen lots of posts on here claiming 'it will invalidate your insurance' about this that and the other, but this is the most bonkers

So last night, when OH and I were having a few drinks, we were under the influence, our insurance is suddenly invalid!!!!

I dont think so.

And it’s going off at a tangent

You need to check your cover. Some insurers won't cover accidents caused by being drunk.

I think you should be honest with your partner that it makes you feel uncomfortable and why. If you're in a relationship, you should be able to say how you feel. If she still chooses to go away with the friend, it's up to you to decide if you're willing to stay in the relationship.

On another note, it sounds like your partner's social life is more geared around heavy drinking and you say you drink very little. Is this going to work for you in the long run? It doesn't sound like you're very compatible.

Your husband is taking the absolute piss, because you clearly have no boundaries whatsoever. "I try to honour their friendship" - WHY? He has told you what happens when they drink together, and you've been happy to accept that they continue to drink together. I think it's entirely inappropriate to remain friends with people you've been intimate with in any way once you get into a relationship, let alone go out drinking and travelling together. No way would I be with someone who thinks this is in any way okay...

So in your book it's not acceptable to stay on good terms with an ex, under any circumstances?

I don't care what other people do with their life and relationships. But no, I would not be with someone who's friends with people he's kissed, had sex with or been in a relationship with.

Can you imagine. I barely have a day sober when I’m on holiday 😆 That’s what All Inclusive is for!

Your partner sounds very much like someone I dated years ago. Old uni friend, something could have happened at uni but no more than drunken snogs. They went to uni reunions each year. More drunken snogs and they ended up in bed together at the reunion during our relationship.
Realistically if they go on holiday together they're going to end up in the same bed. So if you're going to be the cool wife be aware that he's likely to cheat on you. Sorry.

No, jist naw, nuh uh