To be pissed off with DH's lack of contact this weekend

[galasphere]

DH is a SAHD, I work FT. We have 2 primary school kids. He has a hobby (not cycling or golf!) that he goes to for max 3 hrs per week but spends a lot for time on it at home. It doesn't encroach on our family time or anything.

This is not about the hobby or the amount of time he spends on it at home or how much each of us pulls our weight at home (can you tell I've on MN for a while?).

This is about him being away for an annual competition with his hobby and him barely getting in touch from the Friday morning when he leaves to the Monday dinner time when he gets home.

It's 5 hours away and I didn't get a msg saying he'd arrived safely, I text him when I guessed he'd be there and he replied with a laughing emoji that he'd arrived 4 hours later after he'd already msgd our son.

Then I got a call at about 9pm last night. Then nothing until half an hour ago where he's obviously drunk telling me some nonsense about a friend and how good they've played this weekend.

I've had no updates each day about the competition which he used to do and I'm fully expecting I don't hear anything until he turns up back home tomorrow.

I'm REALLY pissed off and I don't know if I'm overreacting. For full disclosure, neither of us go away ourselves apart from him doing this annual competition. I go away with work on occasion for normally 2 nights and message/call home.

I think the obvious thing is that we didn't set expectations before he went. I assumed he would do what I do when I go away with work. I know his days are full on when he's away at a competition but I'm sure he manages to find time to twitter scroll or whatever he does on his phone all day when he's at home.

I can't be bothered getting in touch when I'm away with work because it's full on and I feel like I barely have time to go to the toilet but I still make sure I msg/call even though sometimes it's the last thing on my mind.

I totally get that it must be good for him to get away and just do what he likes for the weekend instead of making sure we're all okay all the time but I can't help but be annoyed he's just not bothered to get in touch.

This is such a non issue. He's busy having fun. Hear all the updates when he is home.

Yeah I think the fact he is a SAHD while you work makes him a legend in my eyes! I wish I earned enough for this to be feasible in our family. Let the man have a bit of fun. Unless you think he is cheating on you, seriously let it go OP. He will only end up resenting you. Maybe you should go away for a wkd with your mates and let your hair down.

He’s contacted you every day. What’s the issue?

Yeah I’d be annoyed too. Have you messaged/rang and he’s not replied? Or have you been waiting for him to get in touch?

Why does he need to contact you when he's away?

YABU just enjoy the break and time apart! Especially if you never go away alone

My DH plays card game & chess etc tournaments; he sends me a text or a quick call in-between rounds but usually not much contact! He's usually socialising with people he rarely sees so I just leave him to it - I send texts or photos that he can just like/react to

I totally understand your frustration. It’s very different not being in contact while you away at work v’s your DH not getting in touch while away on a social.
when he’s at home make your and your children’s lives good? I.e washing, food shopping, food on the table kind of guy? Do you still need to keep on top of things?

FFS leave the guy alone. He is away from home and out enjoying himself, as he should be. I don’t get the constant need for couples to be in bloody constant contact. You have lives
of your own and it’s ridiculous to think you can’t be away and always have to be constantly contacting your other half. A text or two out of courtesy maybe but other than that, leave your partner be.

I think this depends on what is normal in your relationship. Neither DH or I are big on comms when one of us is travelling. We'll message most days, but it's not especially unusual if we don't. I guess I'd be a bit pissed off if I messaged DH and didn't get a reply, especially if I'd asked a question that was time sensitive. But neither of us feel the need to check in with each other, and I would really hate to have that obligation on me. I would never send an "arrived safely" message and neither would he. Luckily we both feel the same.

So he’s been in touch every day and you’re still not happy?

Yeah this would be a complete non issue for me. I wouldn’t be too happy if I was away for the weekend and my DP was wanting regular updates and calls. Similar if he is away, he is away and I will speak to him when he is back

I can handle a couple of days of not being in touch

I'm not surprised you are annoyed.

I think not even texting to say he'd arrived safely is just totally inconsiderate and actually disrespectful.

I don't understand why being away with his hobby excuses him treating his wife as though she is an irrelevance in his life.

I don’t understand this need for contact when people are away for short predetermined periods, especially when it’s something special. Ok yes a I got there fine text reassures you but I don’t expect calls. Dh is pretty good at calling from business trips but he’s alone in a hotel room bored so I fill up an hour or so of his evening chatting, if he’s at a conference he doesn’t call and do not expect it because he’s busy

A text to let you know he’d arrived safely would have been good, but otherwise what do you need communication for?

it’s only a weekend, with your own DC. There’s (presumably) not been any medical emergencies or anything, you’ve know about his absence for a while and have (presumably) planned activities for the time and got food in etc to make life easier for yourself, so I’m not sure why you need to hear from him?

If he was away all the time that would be different, but for once a year 🤷‍♀️ give the guy a break.

But he has been in contact. It not be cosy chats but he's been in touch.

… how do you think people managed before mobile phones ? Why the need for constant contact? “Arrived safely”, if he’d not, you would have found out.

DH goes abroad with his hobby, he can be out of contact for days.

Since you also find it annoying to get in touch when you travel, why not do the same as he is doing. Then it's better for both of you.

It's not disrespectful to not tell someone you've arrived safely 🤣

He's busy doing his hobby

Leave him be

@galasphere

"I don't know if I'm overreacting" You are really.

Lots of differing of opinions in the responses!

If I'm honest, I suppose I'm a little put out that he's not felt that I'm important enough (in my mind) to update on his progress throughout the competition when he lives and breathes it at home and it's such a big part of his life.

But, rationally, it's completely separate to our life at home and I know the weekend is something that both takes up a lot of headspace and is also something that he needs for himself.

At least you lot can talk some sense into me before he gets home and I ruin his time away by being stroppy.

Yes you're overreacting! He's away for the weekend, he's busy, why do you need updates/messages? Just let him have his free time in peace and you can hear all about it when he's home.

@skippy67

Perhaps you could enlighten me about what was so funny about my comment?

This is weird. He’s been in touch. It’s not like he’s ignored you. What do you want exactly?

Defo overreacting. Sorry!

If my partner was really pissed off with me over this then i’d be having words with them. It’s not on. Back off. Unless you have a child undergoing medical treatment or you’re under immense stress and need support or some other unusual life stuff which requires multiple texts a day then you need to get over this. Maybe you should go away for a weekend of your own and learn to let go. Co-dependent isnt healthy.