To be pissed off with DH's lack of contact this weekend

[galasphere]

DH is a SAHD, I work FT. We have 2 primary school kids. He has a hobby (not cycling or golf!) that he goes to for max 3 hrs per week but spends a lot for time on it at home. It doesn't encroach on our family time or anything.

This is not about the hobby or the amount of time he spends on it at home or how much each of us pulls our weight at home (can you tell I've on MN for a while?).

This is about him being away for an annual competition with his hobby and him barely getting in touch from the Friday morning when he leaves to the Monday dinner time when he gets home.

It's 5 hours away and I didn't get a msg saying he'd arrived safely, I text him when I guessed he'd be there and he replied with a laughing emoji that he'd arrived 4 hours later after he'd already msgd our son.

Then I got a call at about 9pm last night. Then nothing until half an hour ago where he's obviously drunk telling me some nonsense about a friend and how good they've played this weekend.

I've had no updates each day about the competition which he used to do and I'm fully expecting I don't hear anything until he turns up back home tomorrow.

I'm REALLY pissed off and I don't know if I'm overreacting. For full disclosure, neither of us go away ourselves apart from him doing this annual competition. I go away with work on occasion for normally 2 nights and message/call home.

I think the obvious thing is that we didn't set expectations before he went. I assumed he would do what I do when I go away with work. I know his days are full on when he's away at a competition but I'm sure he manages to find time to twitter scroll or whatever he does on his phone all day when he's at home.

I can't be bothered getting in touch when I'm away with work because it's full on and I feel like I barely have time to go to the toilet but I still make sure I msg/call even though sometimes it's the last thing on my mind.

I totally get that it must be good for him to get away and just do what he likes for the weekend instead of making sure we're all okay all the time but I can't help but be annoyed he's just not bothered to get in touch.

Your husband has contacted you over the days he's been away, just not as frequently or for long chats/text messages. Yes, I'd have expected him to text to say he'd arrived, but in fairness to him, he did reply to you when you text to ask if he'd arrived. He hasn't ignored you. I think you are overreacting to be honest. He's having fun with his friends. Let him fill you in once he's home.

Honestly, I wouldn't really expect anything much from DH if he's away. It doesn't happen often. He's usually in contact here and there. If it a stag do then I don't expect anything! Normally the main thing I want to know is when's he back, so if there's any delays. Likewise, I don't tend to contact him much if I'm away.

It sounds like he has been in contact, just not as much as you'd like. But if he didn't know your expectations, I'm not sure you can be annoyed. And at least if you'd communicated with him, he'd have the opportunity to say if he thought your expectations were unrealistic.

We’re very much get in touch if somethings wrong
but I do think it’s the way society going the constant need for contact and the anxiety of pending doom

I don't even get the need for an "arrived safely" type message. How often do people do this? Arrived safely to work every day? To the supermarket? Survived the trip to the postbox, heading home now?

If DH or I are away we usually text a couple of times, mostly just to say when we expect to be home.

Truthfully, I get irritated if DH contacts me too often if he's away, especially as it's usually in the morning before he's off or the evening after he's done for the day. Especially the evening as if he's away I like to enjoy that time to watch a show!

Personally I do find it a bit weird all of the comments saying let the man enjoy himself and why does he need to contact you.
Whilst we don’t nag each other we generally text in the morning, at lunch time and either just before dinner time if the day is not too crazy and then before we go to bed. I don’t need to remind him, and he doesn’t need to remind me either. I want to know how he’s day has gone and I guess vice versa. So I do get it in that sense OP. But I just wonder if it’s just a lack of communication in the sense that he didn’t expect you to be interested? I would also wanted to know if the competition had gone well. Maybe talk to him for next time?

I’d be annoyed but only calmly comment and set expectations differently before the next one. I do think it’s important for kids to feel their parents want to get in touch too.

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I get why you’re upset but It doesn’t seem deliberate. I’d not say anything then next time mention in advance that you like to check in every day.

This, I would be annoyed for a needy husband so would never do that to mine

I’m a SAHM and when I am away I just want to be. He has been in touch,
Let him enjoy himself, looking after kids isn’t much fun and not being responsible for other people for a few days is bloody bliss.

He should have let you know he arrived though, thats reasonable imo.

I really don't understand couples who need daily messages for no real reason. Like... the concept of a "checking in" message is baffling to me. DP is my partner not my airline, why do I need to "check in" with him?

Our comms when we're away are fairly scattershot. I'm on a work trip now and I don't think I messaged him yesterday - too busy and knackered. The day before I sent him pictures of a cool sculpture and my delicious dinner. I didn't send him an "arrived safely" message because, excitingly, I didn't have to break stride once between the plane and the train out of the airport. It wasn't required anyway because if the plane had actually crashed it would've been on the news. Neither of us worry even a tiny bit about the other one not arriving safely.

I don't really believe in messaging unless you have a specific thing you want to communicate. Back in the day I stopped seeing a guy after two dates because he would text "good morning!" messages and seemed to expect me to reply. OP, if you want to know how your husband's competition is going, why don't you ask him? And then yes, if he ignores a direct question you'd be more justified in feeling pissed off.

General rule - if you want communication then instigate it. Don't sit there and seethe because they're not instigating it (when they're busy and having full-on days).

I know some couples text / call back and forth all day. And others only text when there’s something time sensitive to say.

I think the weekend issue depends on what you normally do. I wouldn’t expect anything other than maybe a ‘got here safely’ text from my DH. But on a normal day I wouldn’t text him, or expect him to text me.

If you usually text back and forth all day, I can see why you’re feeling ignored.

We work on the principle that no news is good news, therefore only get in contact if something changes e.g, transport delayed. We can then properly enjoy our time away.

God you are massively overreacting!!!

Can you seriously not function for three or four days without constant communication and updates from someone who’s off having a rare good time? That’s… sad, to say the least.

Exactly! DP and I are adults and the default expectation should be that we will get from A to B without incident.

Also don't really understand the need for someone to message "to show he's thinking of me". I'm afraid to say that most of the time on a work trip I'm not thinking about DP. I'm thinking about work, or sometimes dinner, or sometimes my overwhelming need to get back to my hotel and sleep. After 12 years we really don't need to be reassured that we occupy each other's every waking thought.

I think it's that in the early days, you want to tell them everything, you can't imagine not wanting to share your excitement with them.

This shows that he's not wanting to share his excitement with you, you're not the first person he thinks of, and that's upsetting/concerning.

I think you’re overreacting, I’m sorry.

If you’re adamant you want more contact, then tell him that next time

In fairness you’ll probably be sick of hearing about it after the first night back home anyway. Honestly, relax and enjoy the peace. Have some me time yourself.

I'm going away next weekend. Will probably text DH a couple of times over the three days. There's no set expectation though and I wouldn't expect to hear more from him particularly when he's away.