To be sad that I was catfished?

[DatedOut]

I went on a date today. I was pretty excited, he seemed nice from the photos. Nothing overly special but I thought that he was handsome and liked the way he communicated.

I pitched up at the date and I was immediately put off. The photos he used are 3-4 years old. It’s him, but in the last couple of days he gained a good amount of weigh, he started balding and just generally looked older.

I felt a bit misled. I got ready and made effort to look nice. My photos are very much like me, unedited, and no less than 10 months old. I asked him if he thought that I looked like my photos and he said in better in person than on the pictures.

we had an OK date. He was nice but I just couldn’t feel comfortable as I felt he knew what he was doing with his photos

I came back home and can’t help but feeling sad. I wouldn’t have minded if we didn’t get on. I’ve been on dates where I didn’t click with others and it was all good. We tried, n o spark, wishing good luck and move on. But with this one… I don’t know. I feel sad. Am I ever going to meet anyone? ☹️

I can understand that. Knowing what I'm like, I'd do the same. One bad date and I'd be 'OMG! I'm going to be alone forever!'. But I can also see, from the other perspective, how awful I'd feel if someone was disappointed to meet me after my pics because they were old as I had no good recent photos.

Although, if he said they were 3 years old but they looked 10.....I'd go with your instinct.

I must remind myself to take some newer pics for my LinkedIn.....

PP was making a "joke" because someone made a typo.

My first online date. He was unrecognisable, had a skin condition, was about four stone bigger and twenty years older.

And wouldn't even buy me a £1.50 cup of tea.

Someone told me always to FaceTime before actually meeting. What are thoughts in this?

Why is it weird? Is OP one of the people who said that?

Ugh it's so disappointing isn't it? I am off the apps now, having met someone in RL, but the crushing dissapointment when you're excited about what someone might be like and they dont look like their photos or they have a personality you're not attracted to is real. Like others I have heard people say make sure you have a video call before a date but I have always forgotten to do that.

Make up your mind already OP. First you said pics were 3-4 years old, now it's 10.
Something feels off about your post.

That's not catfishing 🙄 That's false advertising

It sounds as if you feel disconcerted because you liked him but don't think he measures up to the idea you'd created in your mind of his level of attractiveness.

People age. Inevitable I'm afraid. Some people don't have a lot of pictures of themselves knocking about and will just use an older one. We don't always notice how we've changed over the years because it usually happens so slowly. Maybe, he doesn't think he's changed that much. It's not for sure that he was acting intentionally to mislead.

I once turned down a man for similar reasons and ended up regretting that I didn't give him a chance as he turned out to be a great chap.

I feel a bit sorry for blokes sometimes. Its ok for women to colour their hair, add weaves & extension to hide the thinning that happens as we age, wear makeup to make us appear more youthful/attractive.

Blokes have far fewer options to hide the effects of aging. Lots of men lose their hair as early as late twenties and there's genuinely not a lot that can be done - not everyone tolerates stuff like minoxidil.

Also - how old are you op? Is it possible if you are quite attractive for your age, that you've lost track of what a typical man of similar vintage looks like?

OLD is hard… you have to have a low threshold… have you tried speed dating?

Promised a Mercedes' but got a Skoda instead….move on quick

I hate video calls. I find the little picture of me in the corner is distracting and, although I'm not generally vain, I catch myself looking old or my hair's sticking up or something and I'm trying to improve the camera angle instead of concentrating on the conversation. My partner always video calls me but I prefer ordinary phone calls.

It sounds to me as you’ve found him misleading & somewhat dishonest, not a great start to any type of friendship or relationship. If he is misleading about how he looks - what does that suggest about his character?

He probably used AI to alter his photos. Apparently lots of people do it. It makes you slimmer too.
sorry about your experience

Skoda.. Chunky, reliable and can go forever with little maintenance.. What more d'yall want in a bloke?

Dating continuously for nearly half a decade with the same profile isn't great though. If he's been actively dating for that long, he's either not serious about becoming exclusive, or nobody wants him. Being older, fatter and balder than his photos isn't going to make sonebody want him, because they will immediately wonder what else he's hiding: if we have to have a debate about whether he's technically "catfishing" or not, he's almost definitely a low quality guy.

If that's the case, the OP needs to think about dating younger/richer. Carpe diem! :)

This isn't catfishing, hopefully you've picked up the definition by now.

When you don't like someone in person, you date others instead. You can't blame him for you not being attracted to him, that isn't his fault. Sounds like you need a break from online dating if you're getting so silly about it. Try doing activities instead and see if you meet someone that way.

I absolutely get what you mean.

It's the underlying tone that they think it's ok to misrepresent themselves. Like it's already started with a white lie.

When I was about 25, I had friends set me up with their friend "Jay" who I didn't know and social media wasn't so much of a thing, so initially we spoke on the phone twice to arrange a date, and he sent me a couple of pics by email. One in a DJ looking very suave and James Bond. One playing rugby.

When I got to the restaurant I was greeted by what I can only describe as his fat dad. And it wasn't even that he looked that terrible. It was that he'd deliberately misrepresented himself, which either meant:

1. he was delusional and genuinely thought it was still a likeness
2. he rated himself enough that after being deceptive over his appearance, his show stopping personality would clearly win anyone over
3. I'd be too thick to notice
4. I'm only a silly little woman, what does it even matter that I've been misled, I should be pleased I'm even on a date

I came home and actually felt a bit violated. I know that sounds odd but it's the only way I can explain it. Like I'd been manipulated.

What the fuck is a "low quality guy" supposed to be? Perhaps he has standards and wants someone compatible, but didn't get lucky yet. Perhaps he just doesn't like photos or OP is to picky. If one person dislikes another they can just move on, there's absolutely no need to be so nasty about a man who's just out trying to meet a new partner. Imagine someone talking about you like this; based only on a third party thinking you're unattractive we will now call you a "low quality woman". Are you anywhere near the character you set out to be in life?

I’m sorry OP, that’s disappointing. I think you’ve had some harsh replies - you owe this guy absolutely nothing, he lied by omission and hoped you would be too nice to call him out on it.
If you do a search you’ll see there’s been plenty of previous threads like this - men hoping to date younger women putting up old photos.

@HornyHornersPinkyWinky thank you! I’m pretty used to harsh replies on Mumsnet and these were expected when I posted the thread.

I had a sleep on it. Obviously if the guy contacts me it’s going to be a’lovely to meet you but don’t see this going anywhere’
I realise after having a good nights sleep that I am actually serious about wanting to meet someone. I was looking forward to good conversation, couple of drinks and the genuine excitement of getting to know someone, and it was a bit upsetting when this all shattered by walking to the bar and realising that he used old photos.

I am certain that he knew what he was doing. And it’s fine but I was genuinely disheartened about it. I don’t like to waste anyone’s time. Anyhow, onwards and upwards…

You aren't catastrophising OP.

This is simply you being so disheartened and let down by dating and your fear of never meeting someone, and this guy is merely a representation of that.

And he doesn't look like his pictures. And you found him unattractive. You are absolutely allowed to feel this way. You haven't been cruel and called him an ugly egg in the nest balding cunty face or anything unkind, so the replies on here are bizarre.

The replies on MN are like living in another vortex of reality you may have noticed. Your reaction is totally fine. You're really disappointed, disheartened, feel you'll never meet someone, probably very tainted by prior experience.

Don't meet this guy again. He may be lovely but he's adapting reality a tad too much if his pics aren't a good likeness. You don't fancy him and that's not a good start.

THIS.