AIBU

[neverlnowifimrightorwrong]

Have a partner or a year - we’re both divorced, both with teen kids.

He has his kids 50/50 and I have mine all the time so it’s fallen into a bit of a dynamic of me fitting in when his kids aren’t around, which made sense esp as my kids are older than his so easier for me to leave alone.

But still, it sometimes feels like he expects to put me up and pick me down according to his schedule.

Anyway, he’s been on a weekend away this weekend and all week has been very preoccupied with the planning etc. So I’ve just written off any expectation of engagement with him thinking. Well I’ll see him tomorrow when he’s back and child free.

He asked me last night if I was available to see him tomorrow. Today I messaged and basically said I’d like to see him tomorrow, but only if it’s quality time and he actually has the time to see me and won’t be unpacking/ hanging washing etc.

He ignored the message then sent me some photo from his holiday, so I said great etc would you mind responding to what I said about tomorrow.

He’s replied basically oh I’ll see you but I’ll be tired so I’ll try my best.

so I said, ok, well I’ve got a lot going on and only want to see you if we’re making time for each other so let’s see each other another day then.

Now it’s deteriorated into an argument.

is it wrong to say to a relatively new partner I’d love to see you, haven’t sent you in a week, but only if it’s quality time?

I don't think you want the same from the relationship. You want anytime access, he has commits that came before you. You cannot ask or expect a man to ditch his kids, in fact I'd be impressed he does try and spend quality time with them as a shared time Dad rather than the type who has kids he never sees.

Better to move on for your self esteem, but also for him. You'll never be number 1 and it feels like you can't accept that.

Sorry, I hadn’t clarified - he doesn’t have his children tomorrow. It’s his first child free day after his trip then he will have them all week.

whats your definition of quality time?
He wanted to see you and you’ve assumed he won’t be attentive and caused an argument
I wouldn’t give it much thought as it sounds like you aren’t in the same space so best to leave it

My definition of quality time is not watching him unpacking his suitcase, hang his washing, put the TV on, scroll his phone.

mire actually talking to one another. Nothing fancy.

It's such early days in a relationship if you're not feeling it, call it a day.

If your not happy fitting in when he doesnt have the kids then perhaps he isnt the bloke for you.
I think you went about it wrong way - the way you have said about quality time reads like a dig. Why didn't you suggest you do something together

Thanks, it’s a fair point, it shouldn’t be such hard work at this stage

Fitting in around the kids isn’t the problem, this week I’ve been fitting in around his boy’s weekend

I did suggest we do something together but his timings were all foggy based on when he leaves tomorrow morning which is based on how drunk he gets tonight so he wouldn’t commit.

I just said ok I’ll see you another time and he’s not happy with that

Can't you chat to him while he's doing that stuff? Life is life. We all have stuff we need to do and so sometimes that means spending time with people we like while we're doing that stuff. Put some music on, crack a beer and chat while he does his chores. Maybe even help. Will be done quicker and then you get some down time.

I agree with the post above 'quality time' feels like a bit of dig, but also really vague. What do you want? Saying 'I'm free, but can we actually go and do something together? Lunch? Or a walk round xx' would be better.

You want Mr Right.
He's happy with Miss Right Now. As in when it's convenient for HIM... Time to ditch him op.

I don’t use the words ‘quality time’ I said I’d like to see him without distractions.

Ive had a fucking awful week and haven’t uttered a word of it to him because I don’t want to ruin his trip.

i don’t want to talk to him about my kid’s self harm scars while he hangs up pants. I literally just said let’s see each other when you aren’t tired

Do you cook for him etc? I'm just wondering if he wants you to look after him when he's a bit fragile. Or even hangover sex? Men are usually only about two things sex and food. 😂
Definitely decline if he wants you to nurse maid him.

Bail. He’s not ready for you.
You deserve better/more.

I do think maybe you could have worded it better, like "if you have time, I'd love to have dinner together but if you are still busy with unpacking we can catch up on Tuesday" or whatever. I think given that he's still busy caring for children half the time, 'fitting in' is just what it would be for a while until they're grown.

Thanks for responses.

Just to be perfectly clear - I have never once asked him to spend time with me when he has his kids, or ever complained about him having them.

This thread isn’t about the fifty percent of time when he has his kids - when I have no expectation of seeing him - it’s about the fifty percent of time he doesn’t have them.

His expectation seems to be that I’ll keep the two weekdays he doesn’t have them and EOW free for him, and then he can pick me up and put me down during those times.

But that’s not working for me and my life and so now I’m trying to say let’s schedule the time and make it decent rather than me just being picked up and put down when he feels likes it in his child free time.

OK, the first two things I wouldn't mind at all, but the doom scrolling and TV would feel really low effort.

That's not to sat it's necessarily his fault as such - we all get tired and need that sometimes. It's more that he's got a lot of other stuff on and it doesn't feel enough for you.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. He sounds as if he wants your physical presence but isn’t bothered about sharing much else. That would annoy me too- as would someone getting cross when I suggest meeting another time if they’re tired!

Thanks, I appreciate that perspective.

I have my kids 100% of the time (their Dad is around but a selfish bastard and they both hate him) so I also have a lot going on. That’s why I want decent time with him not scraps.

Thank you, I just feel like I’ve asked for crumbs and been told I can have even less than that and it’s embarrassing

I'm sorry but I think YABU. You want to come over when he's just got back from a trip, but you don't want him to do his washing/unpacking. Especially when he's got his kids the following days. I wouldn't want to leave all these jobs not done so I could have "quality time".

This doesn’t sound as if it works for you

You’re right, it doesn’t. I don’t think there is any way that it can, sadly,

You’ve misread the op - I never said I expected him not do to his washing. I said he invited me over and I said I didn’t want to come if he was going to be in the middle of that stuff and I’d rather see him another time.

im happy to hear feedback but only if it’s based on the actual situation.