AIBU

[neverlnowifimrightorwrong]

Have a partner or a year - we’re both divorced, both with teen kids.

He has his kids 50/50 and I have mine all the time so it’s fallen into a bit of a dynamic of me fitting in when his kids aren’t around, which made sense esp as my kids are older than his so easier for me to leave alone.

But still, it sometimes feels like he expects to put me up and pick me down according to his schedule.

Anyway, he’s been on a weekend away this weekend and all week has been very preoccupied with the planning etc. So I’ve just written off any expectation of engagement with him thinking. Well I’ll see him tomorrow when he’s back and child free.

He asked me last night if I was available to see him tomorrow. Today I messaged and basically said I’d like to see him tomorrow, but only if it’s quality time and he actually has the time to see me and won’t be unpacking/ hanging washing etc.

He ignored the message then sent me some photo from his holiday, so I said great etc would you mind responding to what I said about tomorrow.

He’s replied basically oh I’ll see you but I’ll be tired so I’ll try my best.

so I said, ok, well I’ve got a lot going on and only want to see you if we’re making time for each other so let’s see each other another day then.

Now it’s deteriorated into an argument.

is it wrong to say to a relatively new partner I’d love to see you, haven’t sent you in a week, but only if it’s quality time?

And you're not in the wrong at all to want more, it's just that he's unable to give it to you.

Sometimes that's the worst situation and makes it so much harder to break up. If someone does something awful, you have anger and the moral high ground on your side. When someone can't give you what you need from them and continually disappoints you, that's deeply hurtful but makes you question yourself.

It's perfectly fine (but difficult) to walk away from someone who can't give you what you want or need.

I think you have an awful lot going on, you say one of your kids is self harming/has self harmed.
You rightly would like a supportive partner, but I’m afraid he’s not that for you.
You deserve better than being slotted into his life when and if he can manage it.

But then you're guilt tripping him about it which makes it clear that you do want to go over.

I genuinely had no intention of guilt tripping him, I’ll look back in the messages and see if it looks that way. I genuinely don’t want to see him today now. Just want to concentrate on myself.

I agree with everything you've said and would feel the same. After a discussion with him about your feelings if the same situation continues I would just accept it's not the kind of relationship you want and suggest you go your own ways.

Thank you, I feel really sad about it as I do love him. But the constant switching between feeling all alone and then sometimes not then sometimes feeling alone when I’m actually with him because he’s pros you’re is so hard.

Because he’s preoccupied that should have said

I completely understand what you're saying and have actually just recently split up with somebody in the same circumstances. He was a really lovely guy but we hardly got any time together as he had his kids 50-50 and worked the opposite weekend. I ended up feeling like a bit of a convenience and school holidays were awful as there was absolutely no time for us. I do feel incredibly sad about it and recognize that I struggled for time too (a very controlling ex who wouldn't stick to any kind of contact and older kids hear a lot too) but I definitely made more opportunities for time than he did. I'm sorry you're feeling let down but I totally get it. It was really hard to make the decision and move on and it will be a long time before I want to date again, I think sometimes you just have to be really honest with yourself about what your needs are otherwise you just end up feeling frustrated. It's really hard to walk away when you find a decent guy, but there has to be time for you as well. Big hugs to you.

You both want different things - you need to split up.

I hang out with my husband of 26 years when he is packing / unpacking as I like to chat to him. It sounds like you want a more formal relationship and that's OK. But I don't think he is being unreasonable either.

I agree with you OP bin him off

I actually think that, a good year into a relationship, it should be nice, or 'comfortable' to spend time together at each other's houses whilst either of gets on with 'stuff that needs doing'.
If this were a month in, I would be expecting some more effort, and to be going out on dates etc., but, after a year, when either - or it sounds like both - of you have a lot going on, then just being around each other ought to be nice. Sit on his bed and chat whilst he gets something done would be fine by me.

The whirlwind of 'dates' and thinking of somewhere to go is something that happens in the early days. After a year, you should be able to mix those more 'special feeling' evenings with some of the more mundane ones, particularly if you are thinking this might be going somewhere as a longer term relationship.

If you don't feel he is good enough in his 'every day' mode, then maybe he is not the man for you.