Family fall out over sister seeing my son

[PiscesMama]

Hi,

I really need some advice on my situation with my family. I'm a single parent to my 2 year old, his Dad and family have never been on the scene so it's just my family. When I was pregnant I hadn't spoken to my older sister in about a year, she is quite a bully, she didn't acknowledge my pregnancy, or my son being born, she would visit my parents when we were there and completely ignore us both. It came to a head and I told her that if she wanted a relationship with him, that meant me too and she was to start treating me better. My mum looks after him during holidays from nursery so I kept finding out almost by accident that she had been spending time there then, never making any effort to see us otherwise or see me and my son together. She makes effort with gifts etc so I have felt like I can't say anything plus she is such an aggressive character and my Mum always backs her up.
I just recently booked a holiday for me and my son, which my Mum asked to come on after I booked it. My sister then told me 2 days before we were going that she and her friend had booked the same site and were joining us. I was fuming as I felt like my holiday had been totally hijacked and I feel so uncomfortable with her. I made the best of it and just focussed on my son as I had spent a fortune and planned for so long but it did ruin it a bit for me. I had exchanged a few voice notes with my sister when she had told me she was coming, and in them I was obviously talking about being quite annoyed it had been arranged behind my back and the holiday not being what I had planned.
Skip forward to today, my little boy had a last minute sleep over at my parents last night so I went to collect him and my sister was there. My Dad had told me this morning he was 'just going to the park' which gave me the impression he was taking him. But actually she took him herself. I'm aware none of this might be 'alarm bells' but I've made it really clear to my mum that I don't trust my sister with my son. She is very vindictive, she previously had a step son who she lost when the relationship ended and she never had children, she spat at me during a row when my son was just 6 weeks old that I 'don't deserve him' (because she had lost her stepson) and I've just always been so worried that she might do something to my son because she is so spiteful. She is very manipulative and it really works on my mum; I can see through it but I can't beat her at this game because I am an honest person and I get frustrated at other people when they can't see it. So today I saw her at my mum's and I did go in and say I'm annoyed again that you're all sneaking around again, first the holiday and now this, why do you have to only come and see him when I am not here etc.
My Mum of course came straight down on her side and said she will not stop my sister going to her house, even if my son is there. I said I understand that but I don't want her around my son. For context, she has also been calling him things like 'a toad' 'weirdo' 'ratbag' and he is walking around saying 'im a weirdo' and getting upset when I correct him. She is not an influence I want in his life at all. I don't know how to maintain a relationship with my family, let my son maintain that relationship and not have her be in his life. I feel like the more she is in life the more damage she will do. I also can't have it get to a point where she is poisoning him against me for example. He is 2 at the moment and adores me, but I know what she is like and I wouldn't put it past her to slag me off to him as he gets older and as I am a single parent, I haven't got anyone to back me up against it.
I don't trust her and if I needed any more proof that I can't, she sent voice notes I sent her about my mum coming on holiday, to my mum (out of context) to make my mum think I didn't want her there. So she was just trying to stir things up and damage mine and my mum's relationship - and it has worked because we aren't speaking now, and my mum thinks it's my fault and my sister is an angel. How do you win against people like this?
My mum has my son in holidays so I can ask the nursery to extend his contract which will mean my sister will have no option to keep sneaking round to see him when I'm not there, but that will definitely cause more trouble between me and my mum.
I've said to my mum that she isn't respecting my wishes as his mum but she just fires back at me that she is also her parent and is welcome in her house whenever.
I feel so lonely and stuck - I know it's a long post but appreciate if you have read it!

I feel for you. Family dynamics are hard at the bestbof times, throw in toxic people and the fall out is worse for those who think of others and compassionately. Your Mother is in the middle but is also in the wrong. You have stood up for yourself which is great, but it's not getting you anywhere because your mum doesn't want to know. I feel that unless you want to continue your current merry go round you need to find alternative childcare.

You need to make different childcare arrangements and only allow your parents to see your ds with you. They are clearly going behind your back to enable her to do some of the looking after. You need to remove her toxic influence from him before she starts turning him against you. Stuff what your mum thinks. Consider what’s more important.

You have to stop leaving your son in the care of your mother. She has no respect for you as a parent, and can't be trusted to follow your instructions. Yes, this will make things shit between you and your mother, but you're going to have to make the choice to look after the best interests of your son.

Get a child minder who will cover in between nursery gaps.

She has called your son horrible names. That is not ok.

Your parents are facilitating a harmful relationship between the two of them behind your back and without your consent. This is also not ok.

She can't be around him. If they won't respect this, neither can they unless you are also there.

They have to choose between seeing their only grandchild less, or more.

Don't subject him to this abuse.

I can't tell if her goal is to hurt him, in order to hurt you, or to try and be a mother to him to fulfil her fantasy. It doesn't matter either way. He is not hers, he is yours. It is up to you to protect him

Your only option is no more alone time with grandma

My mother would have no unsupervised contact.

I had a similar different thing.
My DM is in a toxic relationship with a narc elderly family member who was adamant about trying to access my child solo via my DM.

I will REALLY clear it was not to happen and really clear what would happen if it did. (I told my DM while I'd be very upset to do it she would get no contact for several months and then only supervised)

Your DM / DF have already basically said "Fuck you we'll do what we like"

they would get zero overnights and zero unsupervise contact. Reduced contact would be in parks / cafes / my house and supervised.

Start researching now and find one or 2 decent local CMs for childcare when you are in a pinch.

Re: the holiday.
My mother wouldnt be coming with me and if she goes with your sister I'd arrange to do my own thing daily and avoid them - the comments your toddler is making about being a weirdo etc is just plain wrong and totally alarming.

I can understand it will make life harder but the only solution is to cut unsupervised time with your mum.

I am going to agree with everyone else, you cannot now leave your child alone with your Mother, she is undermining you at every opportunity to stay on your sister's good side as no doubt she may also be in fear of what it is to be on her bad side.

Sort out your childcare and be completely honest with your Mum about why you are doing it. She is allowing your sister to say awful things in his presence and not protecting him, this is the point you need to get across to her. You need to protect your son, do this by him never being alone with your parents again.

We had to do this when FIL undermined Dh and I at every turn. We just stopped them having our son alone. This was not childcare they were providing, I was a sahm so it had no impact on me. FIL did wind his neck in but it was too late.

She sounds awful. I am NC with a family member who is not allowed contact with my children because she is married to a convicted paedophile and has facilitated his access to my and other children. That’s quite different though.

If you don’t want your sister having contact with your ds, it sounds like you’re going to have to stop the childcare and the sleepovers and the holidays because your sister is around and your parents aren’t abiding by your wishes.

No more time with your parents without you.
Ask nursery to increase your hours.
The next time you book a trip away do not tell your parents where you are going.

It's a shame if it causes upset with your mum, but if you are concerned about your sister then that's what you need to do.

I sympathise with parents whose adult children don’t get on. They must feel like they’re walking a tightrope. But how your mother can stand by while your sister is calling your son names baffles me. That is beyond trying to keep some sort of peace between you and your sister, she is allowing your little boy to be picked on by a grown woman.

I agree with previous posts, you need to find alternative childcare and not allow your child to be with them alone.

Thanks for the response. I am going to see if I can change his plan at nursery and have him going during holidays, I just know it will cause upset and all come back on me. For more info, my parents don't visit my son at my house, I always have to take him there, which of course was my Mum's point of saying that my sister may be there. If my parents came to visit us here at my house, it would be really nice for us and helpful for me but they just never do and it's a battle I have had since he was born.

You have no relationship with your dc's father and his family. You have no relationship with your sibling, and now you want to cut off your mum. Are you sure it's everyone else and not you?

You've had really good advice and, hard as it will be, you know you need to put some distance between you, your son and your family. They don't even need a 'last chance' do they? They've told you they won't take any notice

At this point it really doesn't matter who is right it wrong said or did something or nothing. Your son is being beingvtreated in a way you aren't happy with

So yes, different child care arrangements and then a backbone made of iron. Your answer is no! No you will not keep on taking your son to people and a situation you don't like.

That's non negotiable, he is your child

So take a really deep breath and step away. Try to use this as an opportunity to find other support, individuals, groups etc. Force yourself to make that effort. Many women don't have family close by, so it won't be difficult to find something that doesn't undermine you

Best of luck getting your head round it all

Are you the sister?

She has been calling him a toad and a weirdo. To normal people that is considered to be an adult bullying a small child.

My son's father chose not to be in his life and wanted an abortion, my sister lost her last relationship and her step son because she was domestically abusive to her partner. I'm not trying to cut my Mum off, I just don't want her enabling my sister to be around my son when I'm not there so yes thankyou for the comment I'm not perfect but I'm trying to do the best thing for my son.

Thankyou, yes I have tried all of that and have made a couple of links but it's been hard as I work full time and groups are difficult to come by or get to between work and parenting. I do need to stop bending all of their way though, especially when it clearly isn't being seen that way and my wishes for my son aren't even being listened to.
I really needed to sense check with people outside of the immediate situation, I appreciate the advice.

You can’t have it both ways really. You can’t expect your parents to provide so much childcare for you, and then dictate who they have round their house, especially when the person is their other daughter. The only solution is to find alternative childcare

You are doing the right thing.

Point out to your Mum she is free to come to yours to see you both so you are not stopping her having a relationship with you both.

I've never "expected" the childcare from my Mum. She works in a school and from when I was pregnant she insisted that when he went to nursery she would have him in the holidays. I actually have to adjust his nursery schedule to fit with Mum as we are in a different borough and have different half terms, because she wants to have him in the holidays and it makes it a lot harder for me to do drop off and pick up around work when he is there vs at nursery tbh. It's never been an expectation of mine for her to have him, it was a request of hers that she have him so she could spend time with him during her time off; I could put him in nursery full time.

From your mum's perspective it's quite likely she thinks that you and DSis are as bad as each other and you are the one making everything difficult. It does all sounds quite childish.

It weakens your case on real problems (if you think the name calling is malicious and not affectionate or when he makes a toad face, for example) that you've complained simultaneously about her not making time to see you and DS and complained when she does. Can you really not see your mum eye rolling at that?

You need to pick your battles and try to actually improve your relationship rather than point score. Your poor mum is being pulled in all directions, she's doing you an enormous favour in terms of childcare and it isn't going to hurt you to think about her before you act, even in the situations where you have a valid point.

As others have said, you need to make new childcare arrangements. Tell your parents they can only see your son if they come to you or if you meet on neutral territory.

@LadyQuackBeth don't be so ridiculous. Why would the OP want to improve her relationship with her vile sister? Even if she tried, it would be impossible. What sort of grown woman bullies a small child?

You should think yourself lucky that you've never had to deal with this type of toxicity. I have a half sister like this but luckily my late DM didn't get along with her.

@LadyQuackBeth you should never sit back and enable a bully. The OPs mum has a very weak character.

Your mum can't be trusted with your child. Your sister is obviously the golden child while you are the scapegoat so you need to steer clear of them both. They will try and turn your son against you.

Make other childcare arrangements and don't feel guilty. If your mum wants to see her grandchild, she can come to your house while you are there.