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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mum only wants to see me when her husband is away or at work

27 replies

PinataHeeHaw · 04/05/2025 12:36

At other times when he's around she's always too busy to meet up or spend time with me.

AIBU to always be busy when she wants to see me when he's otherwise engaged?

OP posts:
FedupofArsenalgame · 04/05/2025 12:37

No she wants to see YOU. Why is it a problem.

Ah misread sorry. Thought it was when YOUR husband was about

SUPerSaver721 · 04/05/2025 12:38

Your mum is a user. I bet she's been like this all your life. I agree you should be busy when she wants to see you.

SummerIce · 04/05/2025 12:38

Perhaps there’s more to it? Maybe it’s not that you’re a back up option but that he gets funny when she has plans that don’t involve him?

MadeleineAllbright · 04/05/2025 12:38

Do you actually want to see her and maintain a meaningful relationship with her? If so, tit-for-tat tactics aren’t going to get you very far.

Can you try having an honest, open conversation with her, explaining how her actions make you feel undervalued and second best? Or is that not the sort of relationship you have with her?

FedupofArsenalgame · 04/05/2025 12:39

SUPerSaver721 · 04/05/2025 12:38

Your mum is a user. I bet she's been like this all your life. I agree you should be busy when she wants to see you.

How do you work that out?

Katemax82 · 04/05/2025 12:39

I find it better to have my sister visit when my husband is at work, you can spend time just with them

ClaredeBear · 04/05/2025 12:40

it’s not nice to feel as if someone is only interested in you when they’ve got nothing better to do. Have you raised it with her at all?

Original poster
PinataHeeHaw · 04/05/2025 12:42

I've spoken to her about it in the past but she gets very defensive and thinks I don't like her husband. She just puts him first all the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
PinataHeeHaw · 04/05/2025 12:43

It's the same when he visits his home country, she'll say we'll plan lots of trips out. I'm not good enough to spend time with when he's around then?

OP posts:
lalalalalady · 04/05/2025 12:48

I was going to post something similar myself. My mother is the same and only wants to see me and her grandchildren whilst her husband isn’t there which is rarely. If I suggest meeting up she’s too busy or too tired as her sleeping tablets apparently knock her out until past midday, when il be doing the school run by that time and too busy to meet up for a coffee after 3. They fell out and he left for a week recently and surprise surprise, she was up at 8 every morning asking to go out. It’s quite disheartening and confusing isn’t it op, as on one hand you want to see your mother and are happy to spend time together but on the other hand feel used! X

Sherry1978 · 04/05/2025 12:55

Yep., this is what narcissistic boomers do. They're awful. I would only see her on my terms, which is what I do with my own mother.

lalalalalady · 04/05/2025 15:50

@Sherry1978 wait do they really? I need to look in to this where can I find a narc boomer check list 😂

bigboykitty · 04/05/2025 15:56

You need to put yourself first all the time, as your mother is doing. Decline any invitations that don't work for you and do not take any responsibility for her being left with nothing to do. Also I would continue to suggest meeting up when her H is around and let her continue to say no and make excuses, until you decide to say to her that you won't be making any more invitations as she invariably says no. Your mother needs to join the dots.

Spirallingdownwards · 04/05/2025 15:59

Sherry1978 · 04/05/2025 12:55

Yep., this is what narcissistic boomers do. They're awful. I would only see her on my terms, which is what I do with my own mother.

Ah so you can see your mother on your own terms but her mother can't see her adult child on her own terms?

How does this work? Which adult is allowed to set their own terms and how is this decided?

Ponderingwindow · 04/05/2025 16:13

The best time to get to even talk to my mother on the phone was when my controlling father was out of the house. The second he walked in the door, he would expect all of her attention. It wouldn’t matter if she was talking to their shared child or a grandchild. He would just start talking to her or telling her to do things. Yes, I tried to get her to leave him, but she would not.

are you 100% certain that your mother is treating you as a 2nd choice? Is it possible that her husband simply makes it impossible for her to visit with her own child?

If your mother is in a bad relationship and isn’t ready to leave, then pulling back on your relationship will make her even more isolated.

just a possibility to consider.

Hardcrustsfromnowon654 · 04/05/2025 16:29

Sherry1978 · 04/05/2025 12:55

Yep., this is what narcissistic boomers do. They're awful. I would only see her on my terms, which is what I do with my own mother.

Oh, are narcissistic boomers a sub-type then?

Do posters seriously categorise the characters and behaviour of people according to when they were born, because in my book you get good and bad in every generation?

This could be something or nothing op. It’s hard to tell when you have given us so little context.

I could imagine it being very hurtful if she always puts her dh first above you, or if he is openly critical of you, or has expressed a desire to be away when you visit. In those circumstances of course she should prioritise you sometimes and it’s her house too so she shouldn’t be allowing her dh to dominate over whether you visit or not.

However, her dh is her primary relationship now, and you are adult, so of course she will naturally be working around his schedule more than yours.

One scenario could be that, she is busy or she is getting older and has limited energy, and she naturally has more time on her hands when her dh is away and she enjoys the exclusive mother-dd time with you?

What is your situation op? Are you a bit jealous of your mum maybe? Why do you have so much time to meet up?

Gymnopedie · 04/05/2025 16:57

Meet up with her if you want to and if the time suits. If you don't or it doesn't you are free to say no.

What's that saying - never make a priority of someone who only treats you as an option.

purser25 · 04/05/2025 17:03

Ponderingwindow · 04/05/2025 16:13

The best time to get to even talk to my mother on the phone was when my controlling father was out of the house. The second he walked in the door, he would expect all of her attention. It wouldn’t matter if she was talking to their shared child or a grandchild. He would just start talking to her or telling her to do things. Yes, I tried to get her to leave him, but she would not.

are you 100% certain that your mother is treating you as a 2nd choice? Is it possible that her husband simply makes it impossible for her to visit with her own child?

If your mother is in a bad relationship and isn’t ready to leave, then pulling back on your relationship will make her even more isolated.

just a possibility to consider.

My first thought was that your Father could be controlling her if so she needs allthe support you can give her

WiddlinDiddlin · 04/05/2025 17:19

Maybe she is ditching you when he's available as he is the 'better offer' and you're only of use when he's not there ...

Or possibly, he's an absolute arse to her if you're there when he is there and once you've gone he takes it out on her.

It's a pretty common pattern of abusive behaviour, designed to discourage the victim from having friends/close family.

PhilippaGeorgiou · 04/05/2025 17:27

PinataHeeHaw · 04/05/2025 12:42

I've spoken to her about it in the past but she gets very defensive and thinks I don't like her husband. She just puts him first all the time.

It isn't often that I can recall someone's previous posts without even thinking about looking. There's a really good reason that she thinks you don't like her husband. You don't, and you have posted it several times over in the past. This has been going on for 15+years. So you know the score. Whatever your thought son the matter, it is their marriage, and you made it clear from the outset that you dislike him. You may think you have perfectly good reason to, and perhaps you do. But you have put your mum in the position, time and time again, of having to pick between you and him.

So as far as I see it, if she bears blame, you share an equal amount. You don't have to like him, but she doesn't have to take your criticism or attitude towards him either. And whatever you think of her choices, they are her choices. So only being able to see you when he isn't around, doesn't seem unreasonable - it seems like she's doing her best to walk the centre line. But fair enough - if you don't like her just cut the contact and have done with it. Just stop complaining that you want it, but you want it your way.

MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned · 04/05/2025 17:27

Spirallingdownwards · 04/05/2025 15:59

Ah so you can see your mother on your own terms but her mother can't see her adult child on her own terms?

How does this work? Which adult is allowed to set their own terms and how is this decided?

Show quote history

But her mother is allowed to do it - she is doing it! They can both decide they will only see each other when they've got no better offers if they want. It'll almost certainly damage the relationship, but they're both fully 'allowed' to.

Endofyear · 04/05/2025 17:42

Is your mum's husband controlling? Is she trying to keep the peace? Would he give her a hard time if she were to leave him at home and go out with you? Can you have a chat with your mum and tell her how you're feeling?

nomas · 04/05/2025 17:51

YANBU, that’s shitty. Don’t make her a priority when you’re just an option to her.

Could she be in a co-dependent relationship? When I was in one of those, I just wanted to be with DP all the time. It wasn’t healthy.

Spirallingdownwards · 04/05/2025 17:54

MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned · 04/05/2025 17:27

But her mother is allowed to do it - she is doing it! They can both decide they will only see each other when they've got no better offers if they want. It'll almost certainly damage the relationship, but they're both fully 'allowed' to.

Show quote history

I was responding to the poster who called her mother a narcissistic boomer not the OP.

Carpetty · 04/05/2025 17:56

Completely suit yourself OP.
Just as she is.

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