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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell my friend I don't care what happens to our friend's feminine abuser in prison?

30 replies

redditmodsaremisogynist · 04/05/2025 09:49

My friend group consists of 4 women, but recently we had a man involved with us who identified as a "femboy". If you don't know what that is, it's a subculture of men on the internet who don't identify as trans or anything, but enjoy looking and passing as feminine. This guy was in his mid-20's and passed very well and I would probably call him "she" or "her" if I saw him out in public without knowing him. It was only when he spoke that it became obvious he was male.

Anyway, the guy was predatory as could be. He kept using his femininity to try luring us into comfort that he wasn't like "the other men" but would still openly objectify and sexualize us and make misogynistic jokes. We eventually felt uncomfortable with him so kicked him out. He didn't take well to this, so he showed up at one of my friend's houses, begged for forgiveness, and eventually ended up sexually assaulting her. Thankfully, she was determined to get him arrested for it and we eventually got him convicted. A female judge sentenced him to over 5 years in prison.

Tonight, I told another friend (who didn't know him personally) what happened with him. She discussed how she wondered how he was getting along in prison right now. Back when he knew us, he used to think it was funny to shake his ass at us when we asked him to behave himself, so I joked that he's probably being forced to do that on the cellblock right now. She told me that wasn't cool and as much as she hated him, she hoped he was at least safe from those kinds of things. I responded I didn't give a shit and I loved the irony of a feminine male predator now being in a place where HE'S the prey and gets to live with the same fear he gave to us. She didn't agree and we eventually just dropped the conversation, but I could tell she wasn't comfortable with what I said.

Am I being unreasonable for feeling this way and for refusing to apologize for it?

OP posts:
AnnaMagnani · 04/05/2025 10:21

@redditmodsaremisogynist Given this is a majority UK website, it would have been helpful for you to point out you are in the US in your OP.

However the point still stands - he's a sex offender who assaulted your friend and abused the kindness of a friendship group. He also weaponised his 'femboy' appearance to achieve his crime. And yet some of you are still concerned about his prison experience?

Ereshkigalangcleg · 04/05/2025 10:22

WhereIsMyJumper · 04/05/2025 09:55

Isn’t this a case of autogynephilia?
I am asking as I don’t know too much about that condition and wondered if this was a classic example of it.
Your ‘femboy’ ex friend is obviously a scum bag and I’m glad he was convicted for his crime.
It is a tough one as the imprisonment itself is the punishment. I personally wouldn’t wish further punishment on him, nor would I care if something bad did happen to him so I’m probably part way between you and your friend’s opinion.
I wouldn’t have called you out for saying what you did though.

This.

Mayflyoff · 04/05/2025 10:24

Shouldn't we wish that all prisoners, whilst under the care of the state, are safe?

Isn't the formal justice system the extent of the punishment deemed appropriate by the people? And if you want more then you should look to politics to change the criminal justice system.

redditmodsaremisogynist · 04/05/2025 10:35

AnnaMagnani · 04/05/2025 10:21

@redditmodsaremisogynist Given this is a majority UK website, it would have been helpful for you to point out you are in the US in your OP.

However the point still stands - he's a sex offender who assaulted your friend and abused the kindness of a friendship group. He also weaponised his 'femboy' appearance to achieve his crime. And yet some of you are still concerned about his prison experience?

I wouldn't say I'm actively rooting for anything bad to happen to him, but I was honestly, truly wouldn't care a whole lot if anything did. When I made that comment to my friend, it was meant as a joke. I was saying it lightheartedly - not actually wishing for it to happen, but finding the irony amusing and not being too concerned either way.

OP posts:
HuffleMyPuffle · 04/05/2025 12:43

It's still a rape joke and therefore still disgusting

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