To tell my friend I don't care what happens to our friend's feminine abuser in prison?

[redditmodsaremisogynist]

My friend group consists of 4 women, but recently we had a man involved with us who identified as a "femboy". If you don't know what that is, it's a subculture of men on the internet who don't identify as trans or anything, but enjoy looking and passing as feminine. This guy was in his mid-20's and passed very well and I would probably call him "she" or "her" if I saw him out in public without knowing him. It was only when he spoke that it became obvious he was male.

Anyway, the guy was predatory as could be. He kept using his femininity to try luring us into comfort that he wasn't like "the other men" but would still openly objectify and sexualize us and make misogynistic jokes. We eventually felt uncomfortable with him so kicked him out. He didn't take well to this, so he showed up at one of my friend's houses, begged for forgiveness, and eventually ended up sexually assaulting her. Thankfully, she was determined to get him arrested for it and we eventually got him convicted. A female judge sentenced him to over 5 years in prison.

Tonight, I told another friend (who didn't know him personally) what happened with him. She discussed how she wondered how he was getting along in prison right now. Back when he knew us, he used to think it was funny to shake his ass at us when we asked him to behave himself, so I joked that he's probably being forced to do that on the cellblock right now. She told me that wasn't cool and as much as she hated him, she hoped he was at least safe from those kinds of things. I responded I didn't give a shit and I loved the irony of a feminine male predator now being in a place where HE'S the prey and gets to live with the same fear he gave to us. She didn't agree and we eventually just dropped the conversation, but I could tell she wasn't comfortable with what I said.

Am I being unreasonable for feeling this way and for refusing to apologize for it?

There is a lot of info in your post that is not necessary
A man you were friends with assaulted a female member of the group and is now in prison.
Why do any of you need to acknowledge his existence? Unless of course his victim would find it useful for her recovery

Isn’t this a case of autogynephilia?
I am asking as I don’t know too much about that condition and wondered if this was a classic example of it.
Your ‘femboy’ ex friend is obviously a scum bag and I’m glad he was convicted for his crime.
It is a tough one as the imprisonment itself is the punishment. I personally wouldn’t wish further punishment on him, nor would I care if something bad did happen to him so I’m probably part way between you and your friend’s opinion.
I wouldn’t have called you out for saying what you did though.

I don't think prison rape is funny in any context, no.

It probably is autogynephilia, yeah. But we gave him a chance because he didn't claim to be a woman or trans or anything, he admitted he was still a man who just enjoyed being feminine. That makes kind of a big difference I believe, but it obviously still didn't stop him from being a scumbag.

This

You're being unreasonable if you're wishing harm on him, not so if you just don't care what becomes of him.

He'll be in prison on a wing, or even a whole prison where everyone else is a sex offender.

He'll fit in just fine.

The myth that sex offenders are all being raped by other prisoners in the showers just needs to die,

Neither of you are wrong.

I'd say a large proportion of the population hate people that commit crime if any kind and once they have and are in prison, they don't give a shit. And that is absolutely fine.

But there are some people who see the crime and the person and believe the crime is just one part of the person and they empathise with the person. They see the human and feel for the human and the situation they are in, no matter what they've done.

I have worked with hundreds if not more prisoners in my working life. I liked every single one,.worried about them and their wellbeing and had genuine compassion and empathy for their situation despite the very horrendous things they did. And that is fine.

Neither feelings are wrong. We all just see people differently. If I was tour friend in the situation I'd have recoiled because I would genuinely care about this ex friend as a human and would wish no harm on him. It's ok to feel that way

YANBU. That’s all I’ll because I’ll end up saying far too much.
Love and thoughts to your Friend.

He probably stopped being a "femboy" as soon as he stepped into the prison. If he's in a sex offenders prison, he might keep doing it - unfortunately more or less consensual sexual relationships are a feature of life in those kinds of prisons.

However, you are not unreasonable to say you don't care what happens to him. Why would any of you care? He assaulted your friend. Your care and concern should all be focused on her.

Didn’t anyone ever teach you that two wrongs don’t make a right?

He probably stopped being a "femboy" as soon as he stepped into the prison

Absolutely this.

He was a femboy because it gave him access to women to manipulate and abuse. Not because of any actual identity on his part.

If you think about a little differently
you are ok with
• an other sex offender
• geting to sex offend
in a place he was put to prevent him from sex offending.

And that should not be what prisons are about.

Yeah, it's the second one mostly. I'm not actively rooting for him to get harmed, but I understand what the reality is like for a lot of feminine men in prison (and even if he wanted to stop being a "femboy" like some comments here suggest, it would be hard to change his physique that he spent years trying to get) and that if it happened, I wouldn't care and I'm just amused at the irony of his punishment. I got defensive with my friend because I was just making a joke based on this irony and his own perverted past behavior, but even just a joke was too far for my friend.

No you’re not being unreasonable at all. He’s a predator and deserves more than you suggested.

Why do you think that made any difference?
He is a creepy sex offender, what he wore is irrelevant

I think your friend is right, don’t know the details but the prison sentence was his punishment, he shouldn’t be abused himself as well whilst in there (and unable to leave). Personally I do believe in rehabilitation in most cases though.

Because him being a "femboy" who looked and passed almost exactly like a woman is going to most likely affect his prison experience...?

Same

I mean obviously his behaviour is utterly disgusting and so harmful and you are fully entitled to feel whatever way you do as someone who has been affected by his behaviour. But in general no I wouldn't condone the joking about him being sexually assaulted because it's not something anyone should have to deal with in our society and I see it as pretty horrific irregardless of the victims prior behaviour.

But you're closer to this than I am so while that's where I fall, I don't think anyone has the right to tell someone who's been exploited by him how to feel about it.

I agree

I think it's pretty gross tbh

Honestly no it isn't going to mean he has a worse prison experience.

Men come in all shapes, sizes and ages in prison. They are vulnerable for vast numbers of different reasons - drugs, mental health, physical health, debt. Prisons are very experienced at deally with vulnerable prisoners, 'looking feminine' is nothing different.

And if he goes to a sex offender prison, they already have trans prisoners, some of them even choose to be trans in prison when they aren't on the outside.

He isn't going to be anything the prison hasn't seen before.

Fair enough, it seems you know more about this than I do. But I will point out that I'm in the United States where our prisons are considered to be far less humane and more chaotic than in western Europe, so that may make a difference.

Two wrongs don’t make a right.

Who cares?
You are still giving him headspace, can't understand why