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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dishonest husband

27 replies

AlexisAlexis · 04/05/2025 07:28

So… my husband has previously cheated with a work colleague. This was over a decade ago, but I only found out in the last couple of years. Although I always had my suspicions. There have also been several inappropriate messages to several women, and he has visited a sex worker at least once but I suspect several times. Since the big reveal he’s vowed to change.
Most days he’ll come home from work and vent to me about his day, mentioning the same names.
I have now discovered that he has been arranging to meet and drive a colleague to work. He has never mentioned her name before or anything about giving her lifts. Previously he has picked up a male colleague but has always told me about that. This feels sneaky and suspicious. Am I being unreasonable? Or a complete fucking mug?

OP posts:
FeedingPidgeons · 04/05/2025 07:30

Why do you want to stay with someone who clearly has zero respect for you?

It really is that simple.

You get one life.

EVHead · 04/05/2025 07:31

First poster nails it.

This is no way to live. Ducks in a row time.

sesquipedalian · 04/05/2025 07:33

OP, leopard? Spots? “Previously cheated with a work colleague”… “inappropriate messages to several women”…”visited a sex worker” on an indeterminate number of times. If this giving if a lift feels suspicious, it almost certainly is, and the fact that he hasn’t mentioned this to you does not play in his favour. Up to you whether or not you’re prepared to put up with it - but it seems he isn’t going to change.

GRex · 04/05/2025 07:35

Obviously he's cheating again, you know that. Why are you staying with this man?

andthat · 04/05/2025 07:37

Sex workers.
Multiple affairs with colleagues.

@AlexisAlexis Serious question… what has happened to your self esteem that you even have to ask?

No one with a shred of self worth would put up with this bullshit.

Kindly…get a STI check, leave him, work on yourself.

faerietales · 04/05/2025 07:40

You’re being unreasonable to stay married to him.

CharityShopMensGlasses · 04/05/2025 07:41

FeedingPidgeons · 04/05/2025 07:30

Why do you want to stay with someone who clearly has zero respect for you?

It really is that simple.

You get one life.

This xx
Go find the love you deserve:)

Gall10 · 04/05/2025 07:42

FeedingPidgeons · 04/05/2025 07:30

Why do you want to stay with someone who clearly has zero respect for you?

It really is that simple.

You get one life.

this 200%!

Tearswontdry · 04/05/2025 07:42

Go for a consultation with a divorce solicitor. Many offer the first hour free so you can get everything sorted before you leave. Have some respect for yourself.

BookArt55 · 04/05/2025 07:42

You can't change him.
He isn't willing to change. That is evident by his repeated actions.
You've now 'forgiven' him multiple times, he hasn't learnt a thing.
If you're okay with it then carry on, but it sounds like you are most definitely not okay and spend you time dissecting his actions and overthinking them, which I completely understand and in your situation would be doing the same because YOU DON'T TRUST HIM.
Please leave him. You deserve better. He doesn't truly love and respect you. Leave now and one day you'll look back and be so so happy that you made this leap.
Don't tell him a thing, see a divorce solicitor and get the ball rolling, educate yourself on the process. Gather copies of all financial and other important paperwork and save it at another house like a friend's so he doesn't have access. Do this all behind his back. Once your plan is in place then you inform him, no heartfelt discussion because he will try to change your mind, through a solicitor.
Wishing you luck.

PinkPonyClubb · 04/05/2025 07:43

It’s absolutely shit that he’s done this to you and literally drove you mad!

Is he cheating? Who knows? Do you think he is? Well, he’s drove you to be a person who questions everything because of his infidelity. This wasn’t the marriage you signed up for.

Sorry he has created a different you.

Kissedbyfire1 · 04/05/2025 07:43

“Visiting sex workers” as you euphemistically put it isn’t something that happens only once. It’s a habit / addiction that they will not give up. LTB.

ThejoyofNC · 04/05/2025 07:44

YABU for staying with this man. Why haven't you left?

Arlanymor · 04/05/2025 07:46

How many more chances will you give him? He's shown you his true colours. I am so sorry, you deserve better - my EX husband had an affair with a work colleague while I was working abroad (we both worked for the same company) and I didn't give him the chance to make a fool of me a second time.

breadpie · 04/05/2025 07:49

OP... be kinder to yourself, you deserve better than this.

3luckystars · 04/05/2025 07:51

Im really sorry, how awful. I understand.

What are your options? Do you feel trapped?

Original poster
AlexisAlexis · 04/05/2025 08:12

Thank you all, sincerely, for spelling it out to me. Obviously I can see that this is a shit show, but when my husband is constantly telling me I’m overreacting/there’s nothing to worry about I do question whether or not that’s the case. So your responses are helpful. I do feel trapped. I gave up work to become a full time carer to our disabled daughter. That comes with its own set of struggles. I’m cautious of rocking the boat as my daughter doesn’t respond well to change. And finance wise I rely on my husband’s income.

OP posts:
MoreChocPls · 04/05/2025 08:14

As they say, start getting your ducks in a row to leave.

Darby3785 · 04/05/2025 08:19

I am so sorry you are going through this OP!

Kick him out!!

I know its not that easy but please have a look into the options that are available to you.

He has zero respect for you and your marriage. His behaviour stinks and you deserve better!!

He won't change, he is already proving that. It's been a couple of years since you found out about his ways and low and behold he's now meeting and picking up another female colleague. He's not just dropping her off is he, he's going to get her! What else is he doing that you don't know about?

My DH would be gone if he did any of this!

Wishing you all the best

BookArt55 · 04/05/2025 08:19

So hard in your situation I see that. Which is why this likely is not an overnight outcome but a plan you put jn place slowly. If it helps I should have left when I had a newborn, but I didn't. I doubted myself like you, he told me I was the problem. I started stashing away cash, from a couple of pounds to more. I started working again and lied about my wage slightly and stashed that away. All the time thinking I was the problem but my gut told me something different. I left 18months later and had a little stash to support me and the kids. Think what you can do, play the long game if needed, get into therapy with your GP and tell husband you're struggling with health anxiety because of your child's needs (i did this exact thing!). Having this little secret plan helped build my confidence and kept my sanity while he tried to paint me as the problem. Which is emotional abuse. Sorry you're in this situation. You can do it! You've written this post which is the first step.

Magentaflies · 04/05/2025 08:19

AlexisAlexis · 04/05/2025 08:12

Thank you all, sincerely, for spelling it out to me. Obviously I can see that this is a shit show, but when my husband is constantly telling me I’m overreacting/there’s nothing to worry about I do question whether or not that’s the case. So your responses are helpful. I do feel trapped. I gave up work to become a full time carer to our disabled daughter. That comes with its own set of struggles. I’m cautious of rocking the boat as my daughter doesn’t respond well to change. And finance wise I rely on my husband’s income.

So sorry OP. This is a really tough situation.

If you stay, you need to accept your H is a compulsive liar and cheat. You may find it helpful to emotionally detach from him.

Also be aware that you are financially vulnerable, he can leave at any time and you will only have whatever you get in a divorce settlement. I don’t know if part time work is a possibility, but it might be worth looking at if it is.

It may be that you currently both feel financially trapped into staying together. That may change for him at some point.

Magentaflies · 04/05/2025 08:22

Darby3785 · 04/05/2025 08:19

I am so sorry you are going through this OP!

Kick him out!!

I know its not that easy but please have a look into the options that are available to you.

He has zero respect for you and your marriage. His behaviour stinks and you deserve better!!

He won't change, he is already proving that. It's been a couple of years since you found out about his ways and low and behold he's now meeting and picking up another female colleague. He's not just dropping her off is he, he's going to get her! What else is he doing that you don't know about?

My DH would be gone if he did any of this!

Wishing you all the best

She can’t kick him out. It’s his house too. He has to decide to leave.

Dingalingalong · 04/05/2025 08:46

FeedingPidgeons · 04/05/2025 07:30

Why do you want to stay with someone who clearly has zero respect for you?

It really is that simple.

You get one life.

Agree. He's taking you for a mug. Dump the shitbag.

SBHon · 04/05/2025 08:59

Whether he’s cheating on you right now or not the fact is that his past actions have made you distrust him. Living a life feeling suspicious and insecure, not feeling you can rely on the person who’s supposed to be your partner; that’s what you’re currently facing. I’m sorry he’s put you in this position.

Blondiebeachbabe · 04/05/2025 09:04

Sounds like you can't leave easily. Honestly, in your shoes I would make a separate life for myself. Including seeing other men.