Would it be unreasonable to go on a break with friend on my child's birthday?

[Mouth]

Been invited by a friend on a 4-day yoga break that sounds wonderful and is just a yearly occurrence. It sounds perfect and I'd love to go but my child turns 15 during the 4 days. I've never been away on any of my children's birthdays and don't really like the idea of it and I'd feel guilty (plus I guess there will be other similar things out there on other dates) so I probably won't go but I'm a bit tempted. I wonder what people think - would it be being unreasonable to go?

We don't know what your child is like or your relationship with your child. Or what relationship you'd like to have with your child in future.

What I will tell you is that my mother forgot my 10th birthday. Clean forgot the date she'd given birth - at home - to a 9lb 12oz baby. Can you tell I've never quite got over that? I'm 67 next month and my mum has been dead for almost 8 years.

Yes, it would be entirely unreasonable. It's the kind of thing a child would remember forever and they'd carry with them the knowledge that they weren't even a priority in their own mother's life.

Personally no, I wouldn’t be away for any of my dc’s birthdays.

I wouldn’t do it and I think your child would be hurt and remember it

Not at that age, no. Now I'm in my 40s I don't need to see my mum on my birthday. I would have done when 15 though.

I wouldn't, personally. Your child is nearly an adult and you will have the freedom to do whatever you like in just a few years. But right now, I would make them the priority.

@VickyEadieofThigh, I'm so sorry, that's rubbish. I had one birthday without my mum as a child. It wasn't her fault but I still felt really sad about it. Forgetting a child's birthday is awful.

I really wouldn't do it at that age, even though I imagine my DC would've pretended to be 'cool' about it.

I think deep down they'd be hurt.

Wtf? No, don't do this.

Well, how do you think it would make your child feel?

Totally depends on your child. By 15 I already firmly hated my birthday and wished it didn't happen so my mum being away and not having to celebrate it would have been great. But that's quite extreme.

Lots of 15 year olds would be really hurt, lots would be a bit hurt but understand, some won't give a fuck. None of us know which your child is. But there's no general rule you have to follow.

Thanks - yes, I think my instincts are right but it's good to get others' views. It wouldn't really be reasonable and there will be opportunities to do this kind of thing in future. My relationship with my child is close, I've never missed a birthday and I think they would remember it, I usually make a cake etc I suppose once they are 20...

No I definitely wouldn’t go, birthdays especially your children’s are special ! Yoga holiday can be booked for any time

I would have been gutted at 15. So no I don’t think it’s a great idea

You'd be basically saying that the day that you gave birth to him isn't important.

I'm not one of those people who finds dates important. I'm not one for anniversaries or anything. But choosing to miss your early teen's birthday? Nope, that sends an awful message.

Hey OP ..
I wouldn’t go , no ..
Infact , one of my daughters turns 18 in August, & one of my other daughters is 23 , & a few weeks back she said , is it ok if I don’t go to Rs birthday, we were going to go to the races that weekend ( her & her bf) .... It would be a weekend away …
Daughter whose birthday it is , was quite offended that her sister wants to go away for weekend her birthday is on & they’re sisters 🤷🏻‍♀️

Well I missed my child's 8th birthday last year as I was abroad with her dad which funnily enough was my birthday present from my parents. I got her lots of presents before we went away and my parents threw her a wee party she loved it. Video calls etc back and forth.

Yea my parents went away on my actual birthday quite a few times, off the top of my head my 14th, 16th and 18th stand out, and I was lumped with staying at my brothers or friends houses. It was utterly shit for me. They even went away the day I started my GCSE’s for 2 weeks.

Obviously you know your own child, how they would feel etc, but I don’t think it’s something I would ever do.

I was slightly annoyed when my parents went away on my birthday when I was an adult. Unreasonable I know, and I never voiced it. If they did it when I was 15 though I'd have been very upset and would have thought they didn't care about me.
I have teens myself, not a chance I would go away on their birthday. I will always try and take annual leave. That wasn't possible 1 year and I felt guilty that I had to work.

At 14 (almost 15) I'd have been able to have this conversation with any of my dc. I'm fairly confident all of them would be happy about it. they are all able to understand that quite often things happen on particular dates and there is nothing we can do about that date - be that something they are doing or something one of their parents are doing. They absolutely "got" the advantages of any celebrations being on a convenient date rather than a particular day on the calendar.

As a rule, we have always celebrated birthdays on the nearest weekend so any one of us not being there on the actual date wouldn't matter at all.
Plus, I presume her Dad will still be there ?

Ideally I think their birthdays are a bit like the Disney hug - don't be the one to pull away first, if you can help it.

However if her dad is around, and is an equal parent, it might be ok. I had birthdays without parents from age 11 but that was normal in boarding school.

My ex did that - and left DD with his girlfriend (he didn't tell me at all, I only found out on her return).

DD decided at that point he was actually as much of a dickhead as she'd begun to suspect. The girlfriend wasn't impressed with him, either, once she found out it was her birthday and desperately tried to make it special for her, but they split up a short time later.

I'm not saying you shouldn't do it, your family dynamics may be far healthier and she may actually be fine with the idea (or lie to save your feelings about it), but I personally wouldn't.

yes @CarpetKnees her dad would be there and we'd celebrate the weekend before/after and do calls - but I still think I'd feel guilty so probably better to find something on a different date. This one sounded quite special so it did tempt me!

Ooo when I was 15 I would have relished my mum going away for 4 days around my birthday… would’ve thrown a legendary rager.

Really I don’t think you should, but it depends on your DD. If it was me and it was a thing my mum had always wanted to do (for her it’s the Northern Lights) I wouldn’t have cared, I’d have been happy for her. If it’s a weekend at Butlins… not so much.

I wouldn’t hence YABU - but I really wouldn’t judge you badly if you did!

Your child had a birthday once each year. Yoga breaks, anytime.

I wouldn’t need to ask.