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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partner going to London

36 replies

Eliza8809 · 03/05/2025 12:58

Hi.
Im 16 weeks pregnant. So please do let me know if I’m being sensitive.

Partner and I are in a complicated relationship.

He is 10 years older than me.
5 kids.
26yo with first ex (together for 10 yrs).
4 kids 22-11 with second wife (together 20years)
wife passed away 6 yrs ago.

We met through our children. (I have three daughters 6-12)

we have been rocky recently. We don’t live together due to size of our families and all his children living at home with him.

we had an argument , he went to London (4hrs away) to support his eldest daughter in a sporting event. He knew his ex would be there - that haven’t talked for 11 yrs and relationship got really nasty due to child contact etc.

I only found out a month later that he went there and saw her etc and Apparently had brief interaction.

I do not for one no member think anything happened and nothing will happen in future.

the issue comes with the fact he went to London , knowing his ex would be there, without telling me.
if he has informed me I would have encourage him to speak to her for sake of his daughter and “forget” the past etc.

it is the secrecy and why he would do it secretly. I have never expressed jealous or anger towards the ex (why would I never met her and they split 25 years ago!)

He says he has done nothing wrong and he didn’t tell me cause we had argument and were talking.

This triggers further emotions in me due to him doing similar with his ex wife before she passed away and continued to go and see her when she was sick etc. which was honourable however also secretive and wouldn’t tell me he was going.

OP posts:
BookArt55 · 03/05/2025 13:08

So first wife at sporting event you two weren't speaking, by the time you were it wasn't a big deal for him... makes sense to me
The part where he visited his ex before she died is lovely, was it secrecy or was it that where you don't live together he isn't giving you a run down of his day to day?

How did you find out he visited his dying ex wide repeatedly?
How did you find out he spoke to the first wife at the sporting event?

Is this really about not being told about the exs, or is it that communication in your relationship is a constant struggle? Or maybe some other part of your relationship is causing resentment and this is bringing this issue to the forefront. For example, I'm prying so feel free to jot answer, but how are you going to manage parenting a child together when you don't live together. Is communication clear with this respect?

BleachedJumper · 03/05/2025 13:15

How long have you been together?

Original poster
Eliza8809 · 03/05/2025 13:21

We weren’t speaking in sense of the evening before from around 7-8pm till midday the next.

we normally communicate last thing at night and first thing in the morning saying good morning talking about day etc.

I knew about visiting his ex wife as either my bonus children would tell me or he would tell me days later.

we are pretty open in sense of what we are up to that day. We have been together for many years and I treat his children like my own - organising school stuff , parties, talking to his daughters about periods puberty etc.

we see eachother 5-6 times a week.
parenting this child woudlnt be issue in that sense as we are very open about this. We feel not living together is best due to the house size we will need and both feeling the children need there own rooms and space especially due to mixed ages and sexes it would need to be a 7 bed house. 6 at least if they were to share…

we live 10 mins apart. I understand it isn’t conventional however we did accidentally fall pregnant when we first got together and unfortunately that child ending up passing away soon after birth. Since then we had five miscarriages. We have wanted this baby and talked about this baby and our set up for many many years.

we both have very secure jobs and finances.

OP posts:
Original poster
Eliza8809 · 03/05/2025 13:23

6 years.

OP posts:
mindutopia · 03/05/2025 13:29

I mean, if this is how you’d react, I can see why he wouldn’t go out of his way to mention it.

Parents of adult children will forever have to interact at important events in their children’s lives. It’s just expected. It’s not something that is a big deal or needs mentioning. If he had some polite conversation with his ex while seeing his dd at the finish line of the marathon, that is fine. 🤷🏻‍♀️ If he and his ex message all day every day and went out for an intimate dinner just the two of them without their dd, that is not so fine. It sounds like more the former than the latter, which is totally normal.

Original poster
Eliza8809 · 03/05/2025 13:36

Thanks for your reply.

it wasn’t a marathon? Not sure why you think that is the case.

I absolutely get they will forever share children. I have encouraged him to speak to her for his daughters sake (as I previously said so unsure why you assume I have an issue) they hadn’t spoken to eachother for ten years and he made it clear he didn’t ever want To see or speak to her again due to the nature of the fallout they had.

it’s the secrecy of going to London and meeting up with her

OP posts:
GRex · 03/05/2025 13:47

You will be living alone with 4 kids, while he lives alone with 4 more kids and visits yet another adult child. It makes sense that you've started to feel a bit wobbly about how secure this relationship is and how much of his time you can demand, which is leaking out in a random concern about him visiting his own adult child. I'm sure the arguments don't help. The answer unfortunately is that he will have very little time for the baby, and his focus is going to have to keep being all the existing children, especially the 4 at home whose mum died. Do you have any other family who can support you with the baby at all?

HuskyNew · 03/05/2025 13:54

I can’t get past the fact that you already have EIGHT children between you and yet have decided a 9th is a sensible plan.

JLou08 · 03/05/2025 13:58

He went to London to support his DD in a sporting event, not to meet his ex. Surely it would be expected his daughters mother would be there and surely it's a positive thing that they have been civil. He's told you about this himself, he hasn't lied to you.
As for the ex that passed away, I'd be worried if a man didn't want to see the mother of his children who he spent 20 years with if she was dying. Again, he told you he had been, he didn't lie or try to cover it up. It was probably very hard for him to discuss. You also say she died 6 years ago and you've been together 6 years so it was very early in the relationship and not really any of your business.
I can't see what he has done wrong.

BookArt55 · 03/05/2025 13:58

Congratulations on your much wanted pregnancy, that is so exciting for you.
I suppose then if the o lying issue in your relationship is that he doesn't mention every interaction with his two ex wives immediately, but does tell you, then i think you need to take a deep breath. I think for him they are the mothers of his kids, it isn't that big of a deal, or maybe he is just worried about telling you as lots of women are anti- exs even when the man has kids with them. Take a deep breath, talk to him about how this has made me have a doubt, a worry, a niggle, whatever the word is and maybe ask yourself why you feel he has secrecy around this issue alone. Is it your past, his past? Sometimes it can be self sabotage to find a problem. Talk to him.
Good luck with your pregnancy, you've been through a lot so try to enjoy every moment and enjoy those cuddles with baby when they arrive.

Mt563 · 03/05/2025 13:59

Eliza8809 · 03/05/2025 13:36

Thanks for your reply.

it wasn’t a marathon? Not sure why you think that is the case.

I absolutely get they will forever share children. I have encouraged him to speak to her for his daughters sake (as I previously said so unsure why you assume I have an issue) they hadn’t spoken to eachother for ten years and he made it clear he didn’t ever want To see or speak to her again due to the nature of the fallout they had.

it’s the secrecy of going to London and meeting up with her

He didn't "meet up with her", he was supporting his daughter and briefly saw her. It's going to happen. I can understand his secrecy, you don't seem to be coping well with him having exes.

Original poster
Eliza8809 · 03/05/2025 14:02

Thank you for your opinion.

like I said. I may just be being sensitive. You appear to be rather rude in your response though.

OP posts:
Endofyear · 03/05/2025 14:03

I really think you're being oversensitive. He didn't go to meet up with his ex, he went to support his daughter. His ex just happened to be there too. If you'd had a row, that's the reason he didn't talk to you about it.

Original poster
Eliza8809 · 03/05/2025 14:03

Thank you 😀

OP posts:
AlmostSummer25 · 03/05/2025 14:07

Mt563 · 03/05/2025 13:59

He didn't "meet up with her", he was supporting his daughter and briefly saw her. It's going to happen. I can understand his secrecy, you don't seem to be coping well with him having exes.

Show quote history

You don't appear to have read the OP posts.

She doesn't have a problem with the exes. She has a problem with him being secretive about it..

Original poster
Eliza8809 · 03/05/2025 14:07

excuse me.

we both have extremely good jobs and great finances. We support ourselves and all our children.

we love and care and raise our children extremly well and the grown ones have for great successful jobs.

number of children has no bearing on any of this.

OP posts:
CatamaranViper · 03/05/2025 14:09

So you knew he was going to the event. It sounds like a big event so highly likely that ex would be too. He didn't go to London to see ex, ex just happened to be where he was. He saw her and interacted. It's an absolutely nothing event. It wasn't secrecy. He just didn't tell you about one interaction with someone he once knew.

Original poster
Eliza8809 · 03/05/2025 14:10

Thank you.

that is the thing.

I encouraged him when we first got together to reach out as it would be best for the daughter.

OP posts:
Original poster
Eliza8809 · 03/05/2025 14:11

No I didn’t know he was going to London.

OP posts:
AlmostSummer25 · 03/05/2025 14:12

Congratulations on this pregnancy, I hope this one goes well for you xx

I think possibly visiting the ex-wife who was very ill, and has subsequently died😢. Wasn't so much secrecy as not really wanting to talk about it at the time and it sounds like your relationship was quite new at that time.??!

He could have mentioned going to London to support his daughter, but you weren't talking & he was probably just a bit grumpy, I'm not sure if he knew his ex-wife would be there before he went or not?? But given you had already said he should talk to her he probably didn't see it as a big deal either way. It's not too clear from your post, but I don't think he arranged to go out for dinner with her or go to her house before he went and deliberately didn't tell you.??

If I were you, I would try not to worry about any of all of that, just focus on looking after yourself and enjoying being pregnant.

how are you kids feeling about you being pregnant?

Original poster
Eliza8809 · 03/05/2025 14:16

Thanks. Maybe it is down to this and thank you for raising the point.

yes I have very close knit family that live very close whom me and the children see every day.

you’re probably correct that other concerns outside of our relationship is effecting my thought process.

it would just be nice to have other replies to be constructive, open minded and read the whole thing.

thank you.

OP posts:
user8636283907 · 03/05/2025 15:40

I think you're being oversensitive 🙂 Nothing to worry about. He went to London in a huff after an argument and didn't fancy telling you.

Is he quite old OP? I only ask because my OH is old and we are also expecting a baby 😄

Totallytoti · 03/05/2025 15:47

HuskyNew · 03/05/2025 13:54

I can’t get past the fact that you already have EIGHT children between you and yet have decided a 9th is a sensible plan.

This. Utter madness.
I Can’t imagine why he would want a baby after having all older kids and 5 of them! And why you would want to do this given there are so many already, you don’t trust him and live apart.
what a mess this new baby will be raised in.

LobeliaBaggins · 03/05/2025 15:49

With 9 kids you are going to have constant friction, no matter what.

Gustavo77 · 03/05/2025 15:50

Most of your responses are rather negative and combative. Maybe that's the reason he keeps quiet about certain things.

Sometimes it's easier not to poke the bear.