Partner going to London

[Eliza8809]

Hi.
Im 16 weeks pregnant. So please do let me know if I’m being sensitive.

Partner and I are in a complicated relationship.

He is 10 years older than me.
5 kids.
26yo with first ex (together for 10 yrs).
4 kids 22-11 with second wife (together 20years)
wife passed away 6 yrs ago.

We met through our children. (I have three daughters 6-12)

we have been rocky recently. We don’t live together due to size of our families and all his children living at home with him.

we had an argument , he went to London (4hrs away) to support his eldest daughter in a sporting event. He knew his ex would be there - that haven’t talked for 11 yrs and relationship got really nasty due to child contact etc.

I only found out a month later that he went there and saw her etc and Apparently had brief interaction.

I do not for one no member think anything happened and nothing will happen in future.

the issue comes with the fact he went to London , knowing his ex would be there, without telling me.
if he has informed me I would have encourage him to speak to her for sake of his daughter and “forget” the past etc.

it is the secrecy and why he would do it secretly. I have never expressed jealous or anger towards the ex (why would I never met her and they split 25 years ago!)

He says he has done nothing wrong and he didn’t tell me cause we had argument and were talking.

This triggers further emotions in me due to him doing similar with his ex wife before she passed away and continued to go and see her when she was sick etc. which was honourable however also secretive and wouldn’t tell me he was going.

Your posts give the impression you don't trust him. If you don't live together, daily details tend not to get discussed so much. There's nothing you've said here that makes me think you have any reason to be upset, and there's a difference between not telling you something relatively unimportant and being secretive. It does sound rather as though he didn't tell you about visiting his sick ex (which is a lovely thing to do) because he thought you would be funny about it.

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but this is how it reads.

If it was his daughter's sporting event then surely it could be likely his ex would be there? If he's travelled four hours for it, it must be a big deal so it would make sense she'd want to also be there.

Its not like it's in some tiny village with one village pub with rooms as the only accomodation. London is a big place so I'm sure they went in their separate directions afterwards.

They interacted briefly and you don't believe anything untoward happened. So I'd say it wouldn't bother me personally.

Especially knowing they've not spoken for more than a decade and don't get on. I'd be more concerned they might have had a row and embarrassed the daughter or something.

You are getting peculiar replies, @Eliza8809. It's AIBU on a weekend, I guess!

Yes, his pattern of concealing visits to ex-wives is a little strange. I'd be curious about the background to this: has a previous partner flipped her lid when he interacted with an ex?

More seriously, does this pattern extend to other things? I'd be concerned about a partner who chose not to tell me stuff he decided "might upset me".

On the specific issue of seeing an ex, it sounds unlikely to be an ongoing problem given one is dead and the other's estranged. The wider concern, however, might indicate a mismatch in communication styles and/or conflict handling. I'm glad your personal situation's stable and secure: you're buffered against a relationship failure but, naturally, it would be better to explore whether the pair of you could improve communications.

Nine kids is fucking ridiculous. Honestly, what on earth makes you think this is a good idea?

You cannot come on AIBU, ask questions, then be rude to people who may disagree with you!

You sound hard work if I am honest and I feel for the poor child being brought into this.

You're being ridiculous.

Everything about this is ridiculous.
His wife died 6 years ago and you are together six years.
You have a complicated relationship and 8 children between you and decided to have a 9th despite not living together and having a complicated relationship.

Him meeting his ex wife is the least of your problems.

It's inevitable there will be problems in a relationship like this.

That's good to hear. Maybe it's worth a chat about joint calendar, how you'll all time manage in late pregnancy and once baby arrives. Once you start to get a clearer idea of how this will work in practice, you might feel more settled because you can plan around it. Best of luck with your new baby!

You either need to find a way to trust him or end it.

It's not up to you to tell him what to do regarding his relationship . He's a grown up and can make his own decisions, he doesn't need or want your input You're Tring to control him.

She's not rather rude.

But the fact you find this rather rude explains why your partner doesn't share things with you that other people would find perfectly reasonable.