To think this is cruel and genuinely unfathomable?

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An acquaintance of mine has a three year old child. My acquaintance is Chinese but has lived in Britain for a long time.

Today, she shared a story that her DD had had her last playtime with her little friends for a while. When people have asked why, she’s said that her DD is going to China for a year to learn the language. I assumed acquaintance was also going, but no. It is then filled with people commenting that she’ll miss DD but it’s a wonderful, selfless gift acquaintance is giving her daughter. Acquaintance agrees she’ll miss DD.

Her most recent post is them at the airport. AIBU to thinking this is barking mad? It had made me feel so sad for the little girl. Surely she’ll be confused and distressed? AIBU?

ding ding ding
Having taught for many years in both China (where this thing is very much the norm) and the UK, kids in both cultures have problems, but the UK ones worry me more

This is unthinking nonsense. Are we not to judge the Taliban for eg?

Human rights are not relative.

It’s exactly these kind of muddled platitudes that allow women and children’s rights to be dismissed by those who purport to have progressive values.

I meant to stay children CANNOT access health care and education without a Hukou permit. Which is why children normally stay in the countryside with their grandparents in order to be able to go to school

And yes, clearly the UK based family aren't subject to Hukou but the parents have been raised in a country where it is very common for parents not to be the primary carer for their children so their cultural norms around this are going to be different to people raised in the UK.

Cultural norms change over time - there may be a time where Chinese society reflects differently on this.

But currently if your choice is that your child stays with grandparents and can go to school, or your child moves with you as an illegal migrant a city where they cannot go to school and their parents are working long hours, then leaving child with grandparents is often better.

Worrying about attachment or emotional turmoil is only possible if you aren't worrying primarily about being able to feed your child, access health care for your child and that your child can access some education.

Given grandparents raising a child is so common in China, concerns about attachment are much less prevalent there and the Chinese parents will have grown up with that idea.

It's not framed by society as "your parents abandoned you" and that makes a difference to how children process it.

In the UK, it would be unusual and a child might question whether they were "bad" or "unloveable" so that is why their parents aren't raising them.
But in a rural Chinese primary, this isn't the case - children are almost all their peers in the same situation so it's easier to understand that it isn't personal.

Ha ha fab reply. Having lived in Asia you’d be shocked at how they raise children and do things differently. Some of the ideas are amazing some are awful, I don’t actually think sending a child away to family for a year is as horrifying as some people thing. Life skills of her culture will be learnt and it will be an amazing experience.

Speaking a language isn’t the same as also understanding the culture. So many children of immigrants report understanding and relating to their parents better as adults after living in their native country. A large part of relating to others comes from shared understanding of cultural norms.

Spending time immersed in the parents’ culture often helps children develop a closer bond with their immigrant parent in the long term through understanding them better (beyond the close but short term bond that only comes from complete dependency on a parent in early years childhood)

You are not exactly showing tolerance here either.

It's not your culture so not up to you to judge

She absolutely can.

We can absolutely judge other people's actions, regardless of what their "culture" is.

Lots of "cultural" things have been made illegal here - for good reason.

Culture doesn't magically exempt anything from social or legal judgement.

So many westerners are ignorant AF and can't comprehend things they wouldn't personally do.

Just as so many non Westerners are.

For example - from an extremely promiscuous man - "All your girls are on the pill and having sex from 15. Our girls have curfews".

A friend of mine sent her four year old son to France for six weeks to live with her parents and learn French, her own language. She said at the time he was fine, but admitted if she or her husband spoke to him on the phone, he would start crying. She did tell me years later that she would never have done it, with hindsight.

There is a lot of misunderstanding of Attachment theory being shown here. It isn't to do with having a single carer. It is about making secure attachments to carers who will meet your needs so sooth you when you cry, feed you when you are hungry etc. This can be many people - it doesn't have to be one. It's about learning healthy relationship patterns when you are young. Presumably there is some sort of handover, he wasn't put on a plane on his own. He knows these people he is going with.

The divorce rate in the UK and blended families are doing a huge amount of damage to British children but everyone seems fine with that.

Because they are quite blatantly not the same thing and it’s a stupid comparison to make?

Plenty of parents deal with their children crying when they drop off at nursery or the childminder for years on end. They do so knowing that as soon as they’re out of sight and another caring responsible adult takes over the child cheers up, cracks on and has a good day.

I think 6 weeks is too short though - as it’s long enough for the child to feel abandoned but not long enough to get used to it and see the benefits in terms of deep bonds with grandparents and cultural understanding. Also French culture is similar enough to British culture, and close enough to travel between countries that I’m not sure leaving a child with grandparents for extended periods is worth it or necessary to achieve a solid cultural understanding and language acquisition.

We’re talking here of a cultural practice of living in a country with grandparents for a year or more, often where the countries are some distance apart and culture is very dissimilar to the child’s country of birth.

That's a ridiculous argument. FGM isn't part of my culture but it's absolutely my place to judge, because child protection is everyone's business.

Sending a three year old away from her parents and her home for a year is emotional abuse.

They don't do it for years on end, do they? They do it for hours, then they spend hours with their child. And repeat. It's not remotely the same as spending weeks or months without once actually seeing and cuddling your child.

It’s sending a 3 year old from her home with her parents to her other home with her grandparents.

You’re looking at this through the gaze of British culture where families live and exist in nuclear units. Whereas in many other cultures a child’s home is not just their parents home, but wherever they have family is home.

WTF are you talking about? What does a South American housekeeper have to do with a three year old being separated from her parents for a year? There is no 'culture' where that is not traumatising for a child.

I have come across this with other cultures and we cannot judge, it's just so different. For example, extended family take over better as being in loco parentis than most of us, eg your brother's child is your child.

Children can be at nursery for years, yes. Of course.

I’m referring to the parents in that scenario saying their child cried when they zoom-called, and I’m saying that’s much like children crying at drop off. Doesn’t mean any damage is done.

You have spectacularly missed the point, but I think you know that.

Traditions can be traumatising. Just because something is culturally traditional does not mean it's ok. I know someone from one of these cultures who was sent to live between his parents, aunt/uncle and grandparents, and found it very traumatising.

When my kids were little, from birth with one, my mother lived with us and when I went back to work she looked after them. My sister worked abroad and came home every summer for 3 months when the university where she worked didn't need her, so she also lived with us. My son's teacher was very confused when this very confident 4 year old told her he had 3 mummies and which one was collecting him that day.

Not how everyone would choose to live and sometimes it did hurt me when I wasn't as important to him as other mothers were but the children had great security and for example when I disappeared for a time after a car crash on my way to work they were fine once they visited me and saw I was alive and I'm sure it would have been more traumatic for them if they didn't have the other two mummies.

You're right. Traditional does not = ok. Foot binding was 'traditional' - that doesn't mean the girls were magically okay and unharmed because it was culturally acceptable at the time.

Attachment Theory is only partly relevant here I think.

You are right in what you say, but attachment theory doesn’t account for a sudden change in primary caregiver. This child has had (I assume) a secure attachment to mum for three years. This attachment has been broken, and she is now expected to form another secure attachment to another caregiver. AT argues that attachments need to be secure by age 4, this child is already 3.

I have a friend who did this with her first but not her second and she regrets not doing it… even tho they rigorously speak mandarin at home it’s not the same. Having the full on immersive experience to the culture is not replicable and has massive benefits if handled well.

It can be not how your want to parent but don’t judge!