Page 12 | To think this is cruel and genuinely unfathomable?

StormCloud52 · 2025-05-01T22:16:33+00:00

An acquaintance of mine has a three year old child. My acquaintance is Chinese but has lived in Britain for a long time. Today, she shared a story that her DD had had her last playtime with her little friends for a while. When people have asked why, she’s said that her DD is going to China for a year to learn the language. I assumed acquaintance was also going, but no. It is then filled with people commenting that she’ll miss DD but it’s a wonderful, selfless gift acquaintance is giving her daughter. Acquaintance agrees she’ll miss DD. Her most recent post is them at the airport. AIBU to thinking this is barking mad? It had made me feel so sad for the little girl. Surely she’ll be confused and distressed? AIBU?

IButtleSir · 02/05/2025 12:22

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 02/05/2025 11:33

The racism, arrogance, cultural ignorance and entitlement dressed as faux concern is writ large
Incredible

Do you know what I think is racist? Implying that an Asian three year old is SO different from a Caucasian three year old that they won't be affected by being separated from their parents for an entire year.

LittleBitofBread · 02/05/2025 12:24

YesHonestly · 02/05/2025 09:37

Respectfully, it’s not just a view.

There are countless research studies evidencing the impact of broken attachments and emotional trauma on children in later life. Maybe not all children will be negatively affected, but how do you know which ones will be until it’s too late?

Show quote history

Are these studies global or are they UK/western? Genuine question; I'm very interested in this.

Christmasmorale · 02/05/2025 12:26

IButtleSir · 02/05/2025 12:17

"British cultural superiority complex"- what utter nonsense! Generations of British children were sent to boarding school at seven years old- some still are. It's an abhorrent practise. Meanwhile, China has never had the same culture of sending your children to boarding school, so the only Chinese people who are sending their children away are the ones who no longer live in China! And it's certainly not all of them- I know several parents who grew up in China and now live in the UK, and none of them have done this.

There's a lot more to both British and Chinese culture than whether or not you send your young children away to live with relatives in another country. There is much to criticise British culture for, but keeping your children living in the same country as you is not one of them.

Show quote history

Boarding school is not family, it’s an institution- hardly comparable.

And china is a huge country- many parents work in the city while their children are cared for by family in the country. The parents provide financially for the wider family, the wider family helps raise the children, the children keep the grandparents young, the grandparents teach the child the culture - everyone benefits. Hard to fathom these community based cultural practices when looking at them though the lens of an individualistic society - the whole mindset is different.

And no one says every Chinese person does this, but that it’s very common and not something that requires all the outrage, frothing and superiority complex displayed here on this thread.

beAsensible1 · 02/05/2025 12:26

Gogo509 · 02/05/2025 00:09

I was sent to live with grandparents at various stages of childhood. I found it very traumatic and as an adult I have struggled with attachment in my relationships.

Show quote history

ok, sorry to hear that.

clearly you were anxiously attached to parents and couldn't manage it.

most cultures who engage in this do parent in anxiously attached ways. children have sleepovers from 6 moths with their grand parents. they are used to being looked after by others and are self sufficient.

at the end of the day each parent decides what is right for their child.

ShanghaiDiva · 02/05/2025 12:29

IButtleSir · 02/05/2025 12:17

"British cultural superiority complex"- what utter nonsense! Generations of British children were sent to boarding school at seven years old- some still are. It's an abhorrent practise. Meanwhile, China has never had the same culture of sending your children to boarding school, so the only Chinese people who are sending their children away are the ones who no longer live in China! And it's certainly not all of them- I know several parents who grew up in China and now live in the UK, and none of them have done this.

There's a lot more to both British and Chinese culture than whether or not you send your young children away to live with relatives in another country. There is much to criticise British culture for, but keeping your children living in the same country as you is not one of them.

Show quote history

You are not correct re children boarding in China. Children who live in rural areas often have to travel a distance to get to school and will therefore live at the school. It’s not unusual at all.

beAsensible1 · 02/05/2025 12:29

Pemba · 02/05/2025 03:49

All this 'it's from another culture so you can't judge' is just bollocks tbh.

DH is from another country, as the youngest (surprise?) addition to a family of 5 his parents decided they couldn't cope and farmed him out as a baby to an older woman, a distant relative.
Perhaps she loved him in her way, but one of his brothers has let slip that he 'wasn't allowed to play'. He didn't return home until about 10, when his oldest brother (teenager at the time) protested to his parents that it wasn't right.

I see first hand how his upbringing has affected him, the lack of confidence etc and always feeling his is on the edge of his family. He doesn't like it if I say anything about it though, as criticising the family is a big no no apparently. So I don't. But it's fairly obvious.

I think it's cruel. And yes the English upperclasses sending their kids off to boarding school at 7 is also a terrible thing, a lot of upper class men are emotionally repressed and completely messed up because of it. This happened as a child to Stephen Fry and I noted that in his autobiography he defends his parents' decision, saying that's just what they did in their social circle. He had a lot of unhappiness at school, was seriously sexually assaulted by an older boy, again he glosses over it and says he's fine. I doubt it though.

I also had an Eastern European friend living in the UK, she was pregnant with no 2 and had health complications. So she sent her 2 year old back to the home country to be cared for by the paternal grandparents for a while. The child ended up in hospital over there, meningitis. I do wonder if the shock of separation from his parents caused his resistance to disease to be lowered. Afterwards my friend bitterly regretted her decision.

We have known for decades how separation from the parents especially at a very young age affects a child, it's in the Psychology A level syllabus FGS. So why is this to be dismissed just because 'it's a different culture'?

I would have to say something to your friend OP, even if it means the end of the friendship. Perhaps she has never been challenged on this before, so never questioned the thinking.

its not really the same though is it?

being farmed out to a distant relative for nearly a decade because your parents can't cope is not even remotely similar to staying with your grandparents for a year.

hazelnutvanillalatte · 02/05/2025 12:30

IButtleSir · 02/05/2025 12:22

Do you know what I think is racist? Implying that an Asian three year old is SO different from a Caucasian three year old that they won't be affected by being separated from their parents for an entire year.

Show quote history

EXACTLY. 'Don't worry about kids from other cultures/races, they're different from us.'

In my family's culture circumcising boys is expected. I did not because I don't agree with it. Just because it is 'the culture' doesn't mean my sons wouldn't suffer.

beAsensible1 · 02/05/2025 12:34

KarmenPQZ · 02/05/2025 08:48

I have a friend who did this with her first but not her second and she regrets not doing it… even tho they rigorously speak mandarin at home it’s not the same. Having the full on immersive experience to the culture is not replicable and has massive benefits if handled well.

It can be not how your want to parent but don’t judge!

it is so beneficial, especially if you want child to be confident in who they are and themselves their race. spending a prolonged time a place where you are not the other is helpful.

it can be hard being from 2 places and looking different even though you sound the same. and it doesn't matter how much your family unit tells you it helps to go somewhere when its all around.

also "back home" doesn't become this mythical spectre either

DucklingSwimmingInstructress · 02/05/2025 12:36

beAsensible1 · 02/05/2025 00:03

you are think in terms of how you patent and the type of patent attachment you have want.

lots of cultures parent for resilience and independence based on cultural or societal requirements. Going to stay with grandparents for continued extended periods is extremely normal in immigrant communities.

most children remember it fondly, going to stay with people who Iove care for you for a bit is not abandonment. It’s just something you wouldn't do which is fine.

Well a good chinese friend of mine, brought up in China and came to the West much later, had the same experience and in her 40's realised that actually she had felt sent away and abandoned. She's ok now but it took her time to come to terms with.

And in this situation it's not just losing your mum for a year. You're losing the language, the culture, the cultural expectations, your friends, your home, everything familiar.

beAsensible1 · 02/05/2025 12:38

helpfulperson · 02/05/2025 08:30

There is a lot of misunderstanding of Attachment theory being shown here. It isn't to do with having a single carer. It is about making secure attachments to carers who will meet your needs so sooth you when you cry, feed you when you are hungry etc. This can be many people - it doesn't have to be one. It's about learning healthy relationship patterns when you are young. Presumably there is some sort of handover, he wasn't put on a plane on his own. He knows these people he is going with.

The divorce rate in the UK and blended families are doing a huge amount of damage to British children but everyone seems fine with that.

this! your child only being securely attached to you and unable to to feel secure in any other safe caring situation is not the norm in many places.

and is often why so many parents are wiped out because they are trying to be every adult/caring attachment to a child. its not realistic

Christmasmorale · 02/05/2025 12:39

hazelnutvanillalatte · 02/05/2025 12:30

EXACTLY. 'Don't worry about kids from other cultures/races, they're different from us.'

In my family's culture circumcising boys is expected. I did not because I don't agree with it. Just because it is 'the culture' doesn't mean my sons wouldn't suffer.

Show quote history

You’re well off the mark. I’m not Chinese but from a culture where we have similar norms and I do care about both British kids and children from my culture. However, acknowledging that it’s not a like-for-like comparison is important. If this were done to a British child with British parents the impact would be different because they would be sent to virtual strangers outside of any pre-existing cultural norm, benefits or expectation.

However if I sent my kids to stay with my mum, they would stay with someone who has lived in our family unit for months and years at a time - because that is our cultural norm. That family comes to stay and live with us when we need help, or when they need a home. So they would be staying with a quasi parent and with an understanding of the cultural norms. They would be going from one home to another home, so to speak. From one key caregiver to another. They would also benefit from the increased sense of cultural identity that comes through understanding our culture and heritage.

LillyPJ · 02/05/2025 12:39

TURNYOURCAPSLOCKOFF · 02/05/2025 06:48

A great opportunity to give the small child separation issues for life.

Show quote history

Not at all. That's just an idea you've gained from the general culture of the UK. If you'd be born elsewhere, you'd think otherwise. In some cultures, wider family/community play a much larger role in bringing up children.

LillyPJ · 02/05/2025 12:44

ChardonnaysBeastlyCat · 02/05/2025 06:40

Has OP mentioned she has a three year old child and grandparents in China?

How can you expect her to do the same? Find a random child and send it to China?

Show quote history

I wasn't expecting her to do the same. I was trying to help her see things from a different perspective i.e. that some people would think it strange for a person with roots/family elsewhere not to send a child to their original country to see wider family and learn that language and customs.

LittleBitofBread · 02/05/2025 12:45

Pemba · 02/05/2025 03:49

All this 'it's from another culture so you can't judge' is just bollocks tbh.

DH is from another country, as the youngest (surprise?) addition to a family of 5 his parents decided they couldn't cope and farmed him out as a baby to an older woman, a distant relative.
Perhaps she loved him in her way, but one of his brothers has let slip that he 'wasn't allowed to play'. He didn't return home until about 10, when his oldest brother (teenager at the time) protested to his parents that it wasn't right.

I see first hand how his upbringing has affected him, the lack of confidence etc and always feeling his is on the edge of his family. He doesn't like it if I say anything about it though, as criticising the family is a big no no apparently. So I don't. But it's fairly obvious.

I think it's cruel. And yes the English upperclasses sending their kids off to boarding school at 7 is also a terrible thing, a lot of upper class men are emotionally repressed and completely messed up because of it. This happened as a child to Stephen Fry and I noted that in his autobiography he defends his parents' decision, saying that's just what they did in their social circle. He had a lot of unhappiness at school, was seriously sexually assaulted by an older boy, again he glosses over it and says he's fine. I doubt it though.

I also had an Eastern European friend living in the UK, she was pregnant with no 2 and had health complications. So she sent her 2 year old back to the home country to be cared for by the paternal grandparents for a while. The child ended up in hospital over there, meningitis. I do wonder if the shock of separation from his parents caused his resistance to disease to be lowered. Afterwards my friend bitterly regretted her decision.

We have known for decades how separation from the parents especially at a very young age affects a child, it's in the Psychology A level syllabus FGS. So why is this to be dismissed just because 'it's a different culture'?

I would have to say something to your friend OP, even if it means the end of the friendship. Perhaps she has never been challenged on this before, so never questioned the thinking.

The child ended up in hospital over there, meningitis. I do wonder if the shock of separation from his parents caused his resistance to disease to be lowered.

That is a serious leap to make.

LegoNinjago · 02/05/2025 12:46

IButtleSir · 02/05/2025 12:22

Do you know what I think is racist? Implying that an Asian three year old is SO different from a Caucasian three year old that they won't be affected by being separated from their parents for an entire year.

Show quote history

Spot on

LittleBitofBread · 02/05/2025 12:51

IButtleSir · 02/05/2025 12:22

Do you know what I think is racist? Implying that an Asian three year old is SO different from a Caucasian three year old that they won't be affected by being separated from their parents for an entire year.

Show quote history

It's not about a child being fundamentally different per se. It's about a whole different family and care-giving structure, which a lot of people with experience have come on here to share their experience and knowledge of.

Christmasmorale · 02/05/2025 12:52

LegoNinjago · 02/05/2025 12:46

Spot on

Show quote history

Why is that spot on? Are you saying it’s racist to acknowledge the unique external and internal stressors and needs of an ethnic minority child? Have you researched the mental health problems uniquely affecting ethnic minority children caused by identity issues, cultural conflict and racism? Have you ever thought about the daily impact of being “other”, and what it means to not be “other” for an extended period while learning your cultural identity and heritage? Do you know how hard it is to maintain and develop a close bond with an immigrant parent without knowing and understanding their culture, and why they behave the way they do?

I imagine you haven’t and would rather sit judging cultural practices while ignoring the real and important issues immigrant children and ethnic minorities face day to day.

beAsensible1 · 02/05/2025 12:53

Slightyamusedandsilly · 02/05/2025 11:20

The grandparents of this child will have memories of the Chinese Cultural Revolution where literally millions of people starved to death. They will have raised their child (only one) to see economic advancement through education as the most important thing. Before the revolution, most Chinese people were subsistence level poor. Their children/grandchildren are brought up with this mindset.

They see Westerners as massively lacking in ambition and focus. The way you see this event is not the way they see it. You can't use your own mindset to judge because your values are so different there is no point of connection.

Show quote history

they can't understand at all its too culturally different from them.

the same way many cultures couldn't understand being angry about 30mins of homework from school. its just too different

DucklingSwimmingInstructress · 02/05/2025 12:54

LittleBitofBread · 02/05/2025 12:45

The child ended up in hospital over there, meningitis. I do wonder if the shock of separation from his parents caused his resistance to disease to be lowered.

That is a serious leap to make.

Show quote history

It's not entirely impossible. Extreme stress - and being separated from your mother does create serious stress, it's plain stupid to deny it, whether or not it's worth it in the long run - lowers the immune system and creates a higher chance of illness.

It might be sheer coincidence. But it might not be, too.

MummytoE · 02/05/2025 13:00

POTC · 01/05/2025 23:18

It's not your culture so not up to you to judge. A child I knew did the same thing at the same age but 8 years ago now so I would imagine it is a very usual part of the Chinese culture.

Absurd comment

HamptonPlace · 02/05/2025 13:08

beetr00 · 01/05/2025 23:21

@StormCloud52 surely your acquaintance already spoke Chinese to her child?

but you're not immersed with one parent, one human, speaking it to you.. after 24 hours the child will be happy as larry, with, presumably grandparents? a growing experience. quite possible also in that time for parents to go to china too? I always think it sad when a child misses out on learning one of their parents' language...

FunMustard · 02/05/2025 13:10

beAsensible1 · 02/05/2025 12:53

they can't understand at all its too culturally different from them.

the same way many cultures couldn't understand being angry about 30mins of homework from school. its just too different

Show quote history

Thinking it's cruel to send your child away for a year at age three is miles away from what you're suggesting.

Generally I'd care if someone thinks I'm racist for having an opinion on something like this, but as an internet stranger who clearly thinks judging is ok but only within your own specific culture not sure that I do ✌️

LittleBitofBread · 02/05/2025 13:13

DucklingSwimmingInstructress · 02/05/2025 12:54

It's not entirely impossible. Extreme stress - and being separated from your mother does create serious stress, it's plain stupid to deny it, whether or not it's worth it in the long run - lowers the immune system and creates a higher chance of illness.

It might be sheer coincidence. But it might not be, too.

Show quote history

No, it's not impossible. But I think it's unlikely and quite probably explained by confirmation bias.

HamptonPlace · 02/05/2025 13:14

BobbyBiscuits · 02/05/2025 00:09

I guess she must be sending her to stay with close family? It sounds not my cup of tea whatsoever but I don't know what's the norm for that culture.

I'd imagine if I had a child with a mixed culture I'd definitely want them to experience it and learn the language. But I wouldn't want to send them away for a year at such a young age.

Maybe holidays and stuff fairly regularly if I could afford it.

I guess boarding school to me seems pretty cruel as well. Like the parents sometimes only live an hour away but they still don't want to live with their child? And it's often for many years.

i used to work with someone who send his children toa boarding school (at most) 10 minutes away. Some people are bizarre/cruel/have too much money....!

YesHonestly · 02/05/2025 13:16

mrschocolatte · 02/05/2025 10:21

I do understand your point of view. But I don’t agree with it. That makes neither of us wrong nor right. We just have a different view.

Look, children face danger and harm in every corner of this world. We have children in danger and being caused harm by their parents in our country (UK) right now. Lots of those parents would argue til they’re blue in the face that they are caring for their children the best way they can. Referrals for support for children brought up in abusive and harmful environments have increased. That says we have problems in our back yard too. If we want to criticise others for the way they bring up their children then we need to accept criticism of how we do things as well. It’s like that saying ‘people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones’.

Show quote history

Fully agree. It’s my line of work.

However, it’s not a race to the bottom and we can call more than one thing out at once.