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AIBU?

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Original poster

Can't cope with MIL’s guilt-trips

33 replies

BadHairForDays · 01/05/2025 14:50

DH, and our DC live in the town where DH and I met (a long time ago) and married. PILs live about 3-4 hours away. SIL lives in another part of the country, again a few hours away from ILs and from us.

DH and I try to see ILs as much as we can. This probably works out on average as 8 times a year, us going there and them coming to us, and they’ll have DC for a good chunk over the hols sometimes. My family also live a few hours away, so we try to make sure everyone gets their “fair share” and we alternate Xmases. We call them once a week.

Since the day our first DC was born, MIL has brought up the distance. Fast forward a number of years and it’s getting worse. Saying “you’ve taken our GC away” but then adding “lol” to show it’s a joke (?!), saying it’s “killing” her not being able to have them nearby, saying we “deprive” her/them of looking after our GC, saying GC “belong” in their area. Lots of jokes about kidnapping them, telling us we’re too hard on our kids, not listening to us and interfering unhelpfully when we try to do the boring mundane bits of parents like trying to get them to eat, to bed, or if they do something naughty. We do these bits so my ILs can have the fun parts.

What upsets me is two things; 1, both my DM and DF are long dead but she’ll say in front of me that she’s sad she’s not seeing my DC grow up on a regular bases, and 2, DH who is a good, thoughtful son is starting to get upset and angry at his DM’s constant moaning and jibes. Before, he was able to brush it off/roll his eyes but MIL now compares herself constantly to her friends and how they see their GC on a more regular basis and is bringing this up more and more.

DC are their only grandkids, and it’s probably going to stay that way for a while. The negativity and comments has always annoyed me, but it’s telling that DH is now reacting to it.

Does anyone have any experience of this and did you develop coping mechanisms? I swing between ignoring her and sometimes reacting (though never strongly), but it makes me not look forward to seeing my ILs and I don’t like that’s making DH feel bad. I sort of think, let her get on with it, it's her thing to come to terms with (or not), but every so often she'll say something I can't gloss over.

OP posts:
ChocolateAddictAlways · 01/05/2025 14:52

She will either have to accept the distance or move closer to you. Constantly making snarky comments at you and your husband won’t solve anything for her. I understand many GPs love to see more of their GC but the passive aggressive comments help no one!

toomuchfaff · 01/05/2025 15:00

Don't accept any of the bullshit.

Her choices are as said above. She can move or she can shut up.

Tell her that you don't appreciate the persistent passive aggressive comments regarding your location and their access. You make it clear you are not moving, so she now has the two choices to either accept her set in life, or change it, but you will Halt immediately any further conversations where she mentions either your location or access to GC. Stop the convo dead, and say right I'm going. Speak later.

She will probably say "it's not up to us to move" - we'll we are not moving, so this merry go round stops today. Sick of it and not playing anymore.

This should probably come from DH as its his parents and you'll be seen as the villain. But you uphold it.

It's not your responsibility to manage their emotions. It's only your responsibility to manage your reaction to their emotions.

Remember that.

sesquipedalian · 01/05/2025 15:00

DH needs to have a word with his parents, to the effect that either they stop this, or they won’t see you so often. If DH feels he can’t say anything, then cut down on how long or how often you go and stay with them. If they complain, tell them why. You have the whip hand - they want to see you and the DGC more than you want to go and see them, and if they’ve any sense, they’ll realise this (although I know from other DGPs and their sense of entitlement that this is not always the case.)

WorriedOnion · 01/05/2025 15:08

You, or preferably your husband, could say to her that her attempts at trying to make you feel guilty, threats to kidnap the children, criticism of your parenting and the rest of her lies really are not conducive to either of you having any confidence in letting the children see them at all. She is spoiling what could have been a very nice relationship, for the whole family.

What is your FIL like, in this respect?

Original poster
BadHairForDays · 01/05/2025 15:15

@WorriedOnion although he does say the odd thing along these lines, he's nowhere near as bad and tends to have a more solid sense of perspective.

Thing is (and also to @sesquipedalian 's point), they are v good GPs. My DC love them to bits, which makes it harder in many ways. I don't think i could ever imply she's in danger of seeing her less - that would have to be DH's call - and it would be a real shame if it did come to that, and i hope it doesn't.

OP posts:
SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 01/05/2025 15:18

Saying “you’ve taken our GC away” but then adding “lol” to show it’s a joke (?!), saying it’s “killing” her not being able to have them nearby, saying we “deprive” her/them of looking after our GC, saying GC “belong” in their area. Lots of jokes about kidnapping them, telling us we’re too hard on our kids, not listening to us and interfering unhelpfully when we try to do the boring mundane bits of parents like trying to get them to eat, to bed, or if they do something naughty. We do these bits so my ILs can have the fun parts.

Your husband needs to pull them up on this shit. He should tell them that the bitching, whinging, kidnap threats and critiques are making him not want to spend any time with them, and ask them how they want to proceed and correct their behaviour.
You can choose not to spend your limited time off work around these people, since it's of no benefit to you and is unenjoyable, why would you go along?

Cynic17 · 01/05/2025 15:22

Seeing the in laws 8 times a year is an awful lot, tbh. If she makes a fuss, just ignore her or pass her on to your husband.
You are an adult - you can choose who you see, and when. Just be more assertive.

Ayeayeaye25 · 01/05/2025 15:23

Its hard on you but try and ignore and be grateful they don’t live any closer.

My MIL was a bit like this. As the kids got older when we were visiting and about to go home she would start saying I don’t want you to go home I want you to stay here forever but your mummy wants to take you away from me (basically driving home early Sunday evening after staying there all weekend). I would dread the kids kicking off and wanting to stay with her but fortunately they never did. I think she was so full on I think they were terrified we would leave them with her.

A lot of it is probably competitive grand-parenting caused by her friends saying hows little so and so getting on have you not had them down to visit you. Well I see our little so so 4 times a week and we babysit every Saturday and I couldn’t cope with anything less you should tell them to come and visit you more often because your missing out etc etc.

WorriedOnion · 01/05/2025 15:30

I get what you're saying @BadHairForDays but good grandparents don't joke about kidnapping their grandchildren or criticise the children's parents. This stuff she is coming out with is damaging. She's pissing on her own chips.

When she comes out with unreasonable lines you could ask her to repeat them, every time. If it's something like the kidnap thing ask her why she would say such a thing. If she claims she was joking you could say it's a disturbing thing to joke about and nobody's laughing. Start calling her up on her own words and see if she starts to hear herself as others hear her.

But also try and seem positive about the good things she says and does so she doesn't think you're picking on her.

Eggsinthewhoopsiebasketalready · 01/05/2025 15:36

Maybe about time you got a new phone /new number /dropped it on the loo.
Ils never had my mobile number.. Made for a much easier life.
Let dh deal with her altogether...

paranoiaofpufflings · 01/05/2025 15:51

Start from a place that you have a good relationship, because you clearly do get on with them, and you, DH and the kids genuinely like them.

I would say something like: We are starting to find your comments upsetting and I wish you would stop sending messages like this. I understand you’d like to see more of the kids, we would too, but by the time you have factored in their school, our jobs, their hobbies and friends, visiting you, visiting mine and DH’s siblings, holidays, we are doing the best we can to spend time with the kids ourselves and well as with everyone else. We are settled and happy where we live. You could think about moving here to be closer to us - we would love that! But beyond that, please don’t send any more messages about “kidnapping the kids” or “depriving you of seeing them” or it “killing you to not be closer to them”. It upsets us and we don’t want to feel upset.

I don’t think it matter if you or DH say it, it should be from both of you. It might just get the message home, but it might not. If she persists, you cannot change her behaviour but you can change how you respond to it - you are in control of your thoughts and feelings. Train yourself to read and not take it personally.

rubicustellitall · 01/05/2025 15:52

Either it stops I would be telling DH or he is going on his own and you and the kids will stay away,crikey life is tough enough these days without this added pressure,sorry your suffering this OP.

Endofyear · 01/05/2025 16:22

I would tell MIL that you find her 'jokey' comments upsetting and would she please stop because you're glad to have a good relationship with them and that you don't want anything to ruin that. I wouldn't suggest that they move nearer you in case they take you up on it! It's much harder to put boundaries in place if they're just round the corner and you don't want them popping in whenever they like!

Yellowpingu · 01/05/2025 18:50

If they’re like that now they’ll be a whole lot worse when your DC are older and have clubs, hobbies and friends that they’d rather spend time with than going to GPs house for the weekend!

Pottedpalm · 01/05/2025 19:02

Cynic17 · 01/05/2025 15:22

Seeing the in laws 8 times a year is an awful lot, tbh. If she makes a fuss, just ignore her or pass her on to your husband.
You are an adult - you can choose who you see, and when. Just be more assertive.

I don’t think seeing grandchildren 8 times a year is an ‘awful lot’!

WhitbyWoo · 01/05/2025 20:26

Why is this all on you? If MIL wants to be so close what’s stopping her uprooting her own life to move near you?

I don’t see why the guilt should be on you. I’ve had similar from my DM, who lives in a horrible deprived part of the country that I worked very hard to get away from as a teen. Why would I move my family there? She’s welcome to follow me, but it’s all guilt in my direction.

whatcanthematterbe81 · 02/05/2025 07:30

Everyone saying moving is an option. Good lord if my in laws moved to be closer I would have to move 😂

HappyHunting101 · 02/05/2025 07:35

I'm not necessarily suggesting you do this, but "It's not the distance that's stops us seeing more of you, it's comments like that" would fly out of my mouth.

Malagase · 02/05/2025 07:39

Good grandparents don't harass their children like this.
It would definitely put many off the effort od actually visiting.
It all sounds a bit toxic.
I think you need to spell out to your husband how wearing it is.
8 times a year is a llotto visit for such a distance.

What age are the children?
As they grow they get very busy with their own lives and may not be up for so much visiting.

FakingItEasy · 02/05/2025 07:46

paranoiaofpufflings · 01/05/2025 15:51

Start from a place that you have a good relationship, because you clearly do get on with them, and you, DH and the kids genuinely like them.

I would say something like: We are starting to find your comments upsetting and I wish you would stop sending messages like this. I understand you’d like to see more of the kids, we would too, but by the time you have factored in their school, our jobs, their hobbies and friends, visiting you, visiting mine and DH’s siblings, holidays, we are doing the best we can to spend time with the kids ourselves and well as with everyone else. We are settled and happy where we live. You could think about moving here to be closer to us - we would love that! But beyond that, please don’t send any more messages about “kidnapping the kids” or “depriving you of seeing them” or it “killing you to not be closer to them”. It upsets us and we don’t want to feel upset.

I don’t think it matter if you or DH say it, it should be from both of you. It might just get the message home, but it might not. If she persists, you cannot change her behaviour but you can change how you respond to it - you are in control of your thoughts and feelings. Train yourself to read and not take it personally.

This is sensible, calm advice. Have a gentle conversation with them first, especially as you.say they're good GPs and they have a good relationship with the kids. Perhaps it might help her get some perspective, and hopefully FIL would also back you up.

jeaux90 · 02/05/2025 08:03

It’s performative nonsense OP. If she says any of this again you say “well that’s unreasonable” or “well move closer then” just shut it down. Or “look these comments are getting quite tiresome we are doing the best we can and short of you moving here there is nothing else to be done so please stop moaning about it”

ProfessionalWhimsicalSkidaddler · 02/05/2025 08:13

I have the same problem but it’s my own mum so it’s easier to say she is being unreasonable and creating unnecessary stress and pressure.

it sounds like you could pick this up with fil and get him to have the conversation as he can say he feeels the same but she can’t carry on acting that way. If not, big girl boots on.

chatgpt suggests… I wanted to talk to you about something that’s been on my mind. I know you miss the kids and wish we lived closer—it’s clear how much you love them, and we really do appreciate all the time and energy you put into being involved. At the same time, some of the things you say about the distance and how we’re raising them have started to feel a bit hurtful, and they’re also affecting DH. We want to keep a positive and loving relationship with you, so I hoped we could talk about it.

Cyclebabble · 02/05/2025 08:22

Cynic17 · 01/05/2025 15:22

Seeing the in laws 8 times a year is an awful lot, tbh. If she makes a fuss, just ignore her or pass her on to your husband.
You are an adult - you can choose who you see, and when. Just be more assertive.

The most mumsnet comment I have read this week. Unless of course childvare is required. In which case 8 times a week is too light

GabriellaMontez · 02/05/2025 08:33

Why do you never react strongly?

These comments are unkind. Yet she's completely comfortable to make them to you.

Next time say

"both my DM and DF are long dead and everytime you say that it makes me sad".

Prepare a few stock lines. She needs to learn some sensitivity.

Or better still just stop seeing her. Sounds like a lot.

Eyerollexpert · 02/05/2025 08:55

My Dd1 and GD6 lived 3 hours away until 6 months ago. I only visited occasionally as it was too far to go there and back with no where to stay(zero money)
Every opportunity available we would meet half way and GD would stay for a few days, week, whatever could be done. Even from 2 I zoom called her and played with her for 30 mins every week and spoke often on WhatsApp. We are very close and lucky for mee they now live 10 mins away so I can properly help out aniseed her several times a week. I didn't press for them to move as we are adults and make our own decisions, you PIL could be more involved if they tried.