Can't cope with MIL’s guilt-trips

[BadHairForDays]

DH, and our DC live in the town where DH and I met (a long time ago) and married. PILs live about 3-4 hours away. SIL lives in another part of the country, again a few hours away from ILs and from us.

DH and I try to see ILs as much as we can. This probably works out on average as 8 times a year, us going there and them coming to us, and they’ll have DC for a good chunk over the hols sometimes. My family also live a few hours away, so we try to make sure everyone gets their “fair share” and we alternate Xmases. We call them once a week.

Since the day our first DC was born, MIL has brought up the distance. Fast forward a number of years and it’s getting worse. Saying “you’ve taken our GC away” but then adding “lol” to show it’s a joke (?!), saying it’s “killing” her not being able to have them nearby, saying we “deprive” her/them of looking after our GC, saying GC “belong” in their area. Lots of jokes about kidnapping them, telling us we’re too hard on our kids, not listening to us and interfering unhelpfully when we try to do the boring mundane bits of parents like trying to get them to eat, to bed, or if they do something naughty. We do these bits so my ILs can have the fun parts.

What upsets me is two things; 1, both my DM and DF are long dead but she’ll say in front of me that she’s sad she’s not seeing my DC grow up on a regular bases, and 2, DH who is a good, thoughtful son is starting to get upset and angry at his DM’s constant moaning and jibes. Before, he was able to brush it off/roll his eyes but MIL now compares herself constantly to her friends and how they see their GC on a more regular basis and is bringing this up more and more.

DC are their only grandkids, and it’s probably going to stay that way for a while. The negativity and comments has always annoyed me, but it’s telling that DH is now reacting to it.

Does anyone have any experience of this and did you develop coping mechanisms? I swing between ignoring her and sometimes reacting (though never strongly), but it makes me not look forward to seeing my ILs and I don’t like that’s making DH feel bad. I sort of think, let her get on with it, it's her thing to come to terms with (or not), but every so often she'll say something I can't gloss over.

I would treat it as a joke OP. Every time she says something like this, say "oh not this AGAIN! Yawn!" If you do this every single time, hopefully she'll get the message and STFU.

I think your husband should her to stop. Something like "Mum we miss you as well but these comments are a bit hurtful z we visit as much as we can."

My MIL was nowhere near as bad but when DD was young she did make rude/unhelpful comments on her frustration that we lived in opposite ends of the country in my hometown, and constant hints that we could move etc (especially after my parents moved away to retire). DH explicity stated that we had made a life there and its where we wanted our DD to grow up. MIL eventually accepted it when DD started school.

I tried not to take it personally, and I do understand that it would be frustrating that my parents who lived two hours away saw DD every few months. Plus its part of a wider issue that MIL would have liked and expected more grandkids, we only had the one child, SIL2 is childless and SIL1 had her two children many years before DD was born.

How do you get an awful lot out of 8 times a year ? So it’s like once every 6 and a half weeks!! An awful lot would be six times a week in my book!

I don't understand these pushy , entitled MILs who guilt trip. I had experience of this , mil constantly like 'oh I get depressed because I can't see my baby more than once a week". Constantly pushing for more and more time , overnight stays. Why not just enjoy the time you have. She was manipulative and controlling and now the silly witch doesn't get much time at all because of her behaviour and the guilt trips still continue
I'd just say , this is the situation, we see you when we can and you'd appreciate it if you don't make these guilt tripping comments about it. I think you need to call her out and stand firm that you will not tolerate these comments any longer.

Yes that’s what I thought ha ha.

We see my in-laws once every 5/6 weeks (they live hours away) and my parents once every 3/4 weeks (they are much closer).

Because its 3-4 hours away.
So 8 times a year is a lot IMO, to pack up children and visit.
We find twice a year hard to schedule and they are 90 minutes away and we really like our siblings.
Life is busy, always something happening with one child or another.

My MIL used to be like this is started answering back with comments like that's a shame , why don't you move then ,easier for you to visit you don't work she soon give it a rest.