Not sure what to do regarding my kids and religion

[xhicki]

I was raised catholic, but not particularly strict.

It was a big deal around the time of my holy communion when I was 8, as you need to attend church and catechism every week. We tended to go to church at Christmas and Easter too. But that was about it.

My grandparents were church goers as was/ is my aunt and godmother.

After the holy communion stuff my parents didn’t really take us to church much. At school I went to chapel almost every day of the week and sat through services every Sunday. I went to an Anglican boarding school.

anyway, I would say I’m quite removed from it all now and I don’t really like going to church. I don’t feel a connection to it.

my husband was raised catholic as well, stricter than me. More church going and he was confirmed, whereas I wasn’t confirmed ( until before I got married, as my husband really wanted to marry in a church and I had to be confirmed because I’m catholic, marrying another catholic).

we have two kids, who we’ve baptised, catholic.

they’re still small. Under 5. We’ve gone to church a few times with them, the grandparents and godparents take them sometimes ( at Christmas and also randomly ).

they don’t go to a catholic school.

I am feeling conflicted about how to raise them tbh. I always thought I would go through the motion of doing the traditional things with them like holy communion and confirmation and then leave them to it. But now I just don’t know if I can do that because I’m just not into it myself at all. I can see that the grandparents and godparents want to take charge of this for us and are pushing church a lot and I’m not sure I really like it, seeing as we just don’t really go.

my husband is definitely removed from it as well, but a little bit closer to it than I am.

I guess what I’m saying is that I would like to be the one to bring it to my kids and not the grandparents but seeing as I don’t really practice at all and don’t have a connection to it, should I just leave it ?

I know we had them christened, but it’s more symbolic and traditional to me, rather than because I believe in it all. The same for my wedding in church, I only did it because I knew my husband wanted to but it he hadn’t, I wouldn’t have.

their grandparents and aunts and uncles are involved in their lives in many ways. I’m just to sure I’m comfortable with them bringing religion to my kids when we don’t really practice it. Also they’re only 5 and 3 and have said they don’t like church and find it boring.

I really feel like religion is a thing people should discover for themselves if and when they want to rather than have it forced on them as a child. I was christened and had to go to boring classes in the run up to my confirmation prior to secondary school. My grandparents insisted. I have never believed and consider myself an atheist. It made me quite resentful if I'm honest, I wanted to sit around watching cartoons and eat cereal out the box on a Sunday like my other teenage friends and I was dragged up for an 8am church service every weekend. If anything it's made me more anti religion. Ultimately, do what you feel is right for your immediate family (by that I mean husband and children)and ignore people trying to takeover and push their views on you.

How to you prepare for their first Holy Communion if the children are not in a Catholic school? I was raised Catholic by a devout Mother, went to church every Sunday and every Holy Day of Obligation. All the preparation for Confession, first Holy Communion and then Confirmation were all done within school hand in hand with the church of the same name.

It seems you want the pomp and ceremony without the underlying beliefs and the regular church attendance.

You would need to talk to the priest at the Catholic church to ask their views on whether your children could have Holy Communion. I mean maybe times have changed (I am now not practising) but if you missed mass then you had to attend confession before being able to take Holy Communion again. We even went to Catholic churches whilst on holiday abroad, as I said, my Mother was devout.

Why would you "go through the motion" of doing holy communion and confirmation if you don't believe in the faith and if your kids show no interest in going?

For the photos? To have a little party after?

Yeah I don’t know if I even want them to do holy communion at 8 years old. I think you can attend a church catechism group if you’re not at a catholic school. I wasn’t at a catholic school and attended catechism at the church once a week.

during that time period we did attend church every week, but after that, no. My parents are similar to me, they went through the motions broadly but more just for the traditional aspect, rather than being true believers.

Invent some new traditions if that is what you want?

It's May Day - go dance around a may pole.

(I had a devoutly Catholic grandmother, my mother was a Catholic School teacher and I did none of it. Christened but no holy communion, no church going, nothing. And it's fine. It's not a loss!)

Is the catechism group to learn religious teachings? If you don't really believe in it why bother with this? It sounds boring as hell for a kid. Their energy is surely better used for playing and being creative and opening their minds to the rest of the world than being taught their is only one correct religion. Agree with PP, if its about traditions make your own for you and your family that don't involve a stuffy church.

Yeah I’m making this post because I always thought I would do it, but I’m having doubts whether I should bother with it. Of course I need to speak to my husband about it. He may have strong feelings that the kids should do it. I suspect he’ll want them to.

but I’m starting to think they probably shouldn’t, because of how I feel about it.

we still have time to decide, I guess.

And yes catechism is something you attend before holy communion for some time to learn the teachings. I actually really enjoyed it when I was little to be fair.

My view is that religion is really important for kids in exposing them to a moral framework and culture, being part of a community, giving them a context and opportunity for theological and philosophical debate, connection with family values and history. So for that reason I would allow others to take them and make a token effort yourself. I am not Christian but my DC go to church with their dad and we have interesting discussions about it. They know about my viewpoint which I don’t think Jesus was literally the son of God and they know that others disagree. It’s really positive for them.

Just to give an alternative perspective, I was raised Christian and we did Church on Sunday, Sunday school, and confirmation classes etc on and off throughout my childhood.

I am not a churchgoing Christian any longer and I do not believe many pretty fundamental things that Christians are meant to believe, like Jesus was the son of God, for example.

However, I do still value my Christian upbringing; I think that listening to Church sermons on big issues, Sunday school activities about how to navigate daily life well, and the theological questions in confirmation classes helped me to develop compassion, a moral compass and values that are bigger than my own self interest.

I think the key thing is to pick your Church wisely. I wasn’t indoctrinated, I was invited to think deeply about right and wrong and what it means to be a good person. And one some level, I am still a bit religious, in the sense that I feel morally accountable to my own notions of God and to the beautiful world in which we live.

Mine was quite a traditional Anglican Church. The kind with mostly old people, where you can slink in at the back and out at the end without being accosted and forced to make friends with everyone. The sermons and music and Church events were not designed to suck in or ‘recruit’ followers, as I have seen in some more fervently evangelical Churches. I’m not sure what the Catholic vibe is like. But if you feel that your religion was a positive influence in your young life, then I don’t think that not believing now need necessarily be a barrier to introducing it to your children, in your own way.

ETA: Also, I do think that there is psychological value in prayer. I remember the small things that used to keep me awake at night as a child, some of which I didn't want to tell my parents for whatever reason, like perhaps I had been told off in class and felt bad about it. The ability to ‘tell’ God brought me a lot of relief. While I did talk about the important things with my parents, it was a way of coping with difficult feelings like guilt, and to contemplate those little childhood dilemmas where you know what the right thing is but are scared or reluctant to do it. The underlying message that- God understands you, you’re not a bad person, you’re forgiven. brought me so much comfort.

Tbh I am confused by what you’re after/asking

I am very religious but not in a sense that go to church weekly, do all expected ceremonies etc . Me and kids do go to church every 2-3 weeks, and do communion but I am religious in a sense that I believe in God and when I am stressed I call him.

I am trying to guide my kids to do the same

don’t get stuck in the admin part of the church, it’s not about the church it’s about Him; if you’re not up for this it’s not worth pursuing for you or your kids x

If you decide not to bother it won't be their only exposure to discovering religion. Despite my atheism I loved religious education at secondary school. We had a great teacher (who seemed impartial) and it was really interesting to discover lots of different faiths, opened some great discussions and I learned that while I don't agree with following one particular religion, there are lots of teachings / ways of being / moral codes / rituals that can be lifted out and applied to your life as you see fit.

I baptised my kids and didn't have them go through FHC or confirmation. I think if they don't go to Catholic school the holy communion isn't important ( if they do, they can't go up to communion during school church services). My thinking was that they could decide later if they wanted to be confirmed. It's probably different if both of you are Catholic and culturally similar, but as I've got older, I've started to feel I've given up a bit too much of myself culturally, a large part of that being Catholicism.
( married to an atheist) and have taken my children to church just to introduce them to it. DS2 is staunchly atheist but DS1 is more interested. I'm thinking of starting to go back to church again, and he said he'd like to come. Life is long and complicated.

Sunday school

Sorry posted to wrong post, sunday school for prep

Do you even belive in God and Jesus and all that?
It comes across as a more cultural thing than actual beliefs thing.

I think you are asking if it’s ok for you to say no to relatives and not to bother with church aspect as you are not really into it? Yes, it’s ok.
It calls compromise - you were married in church and christened your children as per tradition . However you are not really a big believer and church goer so you don’t want religion to play a big part in your kids life. It’s absolutely fine. Life has changed. Church is not the main (and only) place in community anymore and your children can do a lot of good and learn about right and wrong in other places e.g by volunteering for a charity.
I also suspect that your DH is not devout as such he just doesn’t want to rock the boat but he’s probably happy for you to do this (they usually are 😉)
Added : I based my reply on the fact that you were not sending kids into catholic school if you were - my approach would be different.

If you don't like church and don't really believe in it, then surely going through the motions is just a complete and utter waste of time, and boring as hell.

I believe in ‘ something ‘- a higher power perhaps. I believe life doesn’t end after death and that there’s something after- maybe another dimension our spirit/ souls goes to.

but I don’t really believe in the bible/ Jesus / the story so much.

Yes, it s bit of my approach as well. DD knows about different religions and that we are Christians and basics: about main ideas, main festivals and how to behave in church. She did RE in school and really enjoyed it.
She is christened and we were married in church but as you are - it’s more about tradition and accepting my heritage for me.

Then no leave it. I am an athiest, but my son has decided he is a christian. We dont go to church, but if he wants to believe then he can. I explain to him there are other religions and what christians believe in and he likes the idea of it. I asked him if he wants to go to sunday school, he can go if he wants but he has said no as its more school 😂

I'm sorry, I haven't read all the posts but just came to say, what did it add to your life as a child? Is it a significant part of your identity? With kindness, it doesn't sound so, therefore, what would it add to your children's lives? I appreciate the wider family dynamics but again, with kindness, they are your children.
From another angle, I know quite a few people who wanted a church wedding, who went to church for a number of weeks prior to the wedding to enable that wedding. Never to go again. It's not really the point is it? And kind of makes a mockery of the faith some do have. I also tend to believe children have their own paths to take and own discoveries to learn.
Just food for thought I guess.

Do you believe in the concept of sin, and is it something you'd want your children exposed to?

I liked it when I was really young but didn’t like it as a teenager and beyond. I just went to church SO much as a teen at school.

I had to do a lot to get married in church too, attend a course, get confirmed etc. I attended a course to get confirmed too. I just through many hoops and I don’t like going to church now and haven’t gone much since.

I don’t think it makes a mockery out of others. I spoke to my priest about it. I actually have him on WhatsApp and we check in on each other sometimes.

I told him I don’t feel a strong connection and I told him I get bored in church. He talks to me about that and says that one day I may come back to it - I don’t think he thinks I’m making a mockery out of it. For some people it’s just like that. And the church is always there if you want to reconnect with it. I connected with it a little when I was going through the wedding stuff but I’m disconnected again now.

I’m wondering what you would feel about letting the children make their own decisions about it.

I appreciate that they’re young to decide things like this for themselves, but I am also sensing from your post that you would feel comfortable with either outcome.

Allowing the kids to choose would mean that they could follow your own path of sometimes being closer to the church and sometimes less close based on their own thoughts, feelings and needs.