Parenting Critique from Grandparents

[BlackPantherPrincess]

Just a rant.

My Mum frequently tells me how well she is able to manage my children, in particular my eldest who can be a bit of a arsehole (very strong willed, opinionated, defiant). She will say “it’s the tone you use” and when she views my kids have having been complaint for her will say “see this is how you do it.”

She seems to forget I grew up in her house and my eldest brother was so unruly, he used to jump out his bedroom window if he was sent to his room, I remember very clearly being locked in my Mums room with her whilst he smashed up the house, he punched holes in walls. He hit my Mum frequently. She used to speak about a child we knew who was sent to a children’s home for being out of
control and feared my brother was following the same path.

Now I don’t have a particular problem parenting, it’s tiring sometimes, but I feel we are doing the best for our son who is getting on well at school etc and has solid friendships - there are no real concerns other than he can be a pain in the arse at times and is the harder of my children to parent.

AIBU to get really pissed off at her rose tinted wisdom? All us kids have turned out ok - but she was no perfect parent who’s nailed it all. In fact she made some really critical mistakes - like believing a pedophile was gay and so giving him the perfect opportunity to abuse me - I cannot believe her stupidity now I’m older. They never got my brother any help and looking back he had some undiagnosed needs I’m sure would have made things easier if he was supported.

This view she did it all right and I would benefit from her infinite wisdom, which is generally “just say no like I did with you kids” yeah right that worked…!

#endrant.

Well you’ve done well to hold your tongue given that back story.

“Hmm I’ll bear it in mind”, roll your eyes and do what you see fit - you know your child far better than she does.

Infuriating, OP. I’m not sure I’d be able to keep my mouth shut—my DM was similar and her smug, selective memory drove me mad.

I think it’s a difficult dynamic.

Mostly our mums want to help us and for us to be able to benefit from their experience. We naturally see that as unwelcome and sometimes bad advice. ‘Twas ever thus.

From her POV she probably thinks she learned some things by having such a difficult time with your brother.

@Comtesse i don’t say anything about the CSA (she knows about it and has no accountability whatsoever - in fact her view was I must have been promiscuous - this man was convicted).

But I do remind her of my brother and say you do remember…?

They weren’t bad parents at all but it certainly wasn’t the utopia she likes to pretend.

You won't like this, but if my DD referred to one of her DC as an 'arsehole' and marked them out as more difficult than their siblings, then I'd find it hard to hold my tongue as well tbh. I get you have major issues regarding your mother's own parenting that make you feel she has no place to comment, so its probably best that you avoid discussion of your son with her, because she seems inclined to defend him and in the circumstances that's obviously going to land badly.

I think all grandparents have a selective memory to be honest! My mum used to smugly tell me that we (her children) never had tantrums when we were toddlers which I find hard to believe! My parents certainly made their fair share of parenting mistakes, nothing major but they weren't perfect. Children often behave differently with grandparents than they do with parents anyway so it's not surprising your children behave better for her. She's not the one with the responsibility for instilling discipline anyway. I would just ignore it, it's annoying but don't let it get to you. Both my MIL and my mum had rose tinted spectacles when looking back at their own children's behaviour!

I resonate with this so much, OP. My Mother definitely has a gap in her memory when it comes to my childhood! So frustrating when she shares her ‘pearls of wisdom’, it can certainly get tense between us. I think a lot of her behaviour is underpinned by guilt, she projects the version of herself she wished she could have been onto her grandchildren - it can be very painful for me.

My mum has selective memory too. Well done for not calling her out on this. Only you know your son. They always behave better for others.

As a Granny I find it best not to offer any advice and I certainly wouldn't tell dd how to parent dgs. If dd complains about dgs I generally ask if he's tired or hungry telling her her db was a nightmare if either of those. He is an angel here likely because I ensure I have nothing else to do but entertain him when dd rarely has that option it has nothing to do with my wisdom or years of experience. When dd had dgs I promised myself I would only ever build her up and six years in I have stuck to that she is doing an amazing job.

Totally missed the bit in your OP about the CSA, @BlackPantherPrincess — so sorry to read that x

At @BonfireToffee thanks - I wasn’t wanting to make the post about this but just illustrates how decisions she made weren’t always ideal!

I don’t say that to her - I was just describing it can be difficult. Of course one child can be more challenging to parent? People aren’t all equal 🤔

I think that’s it too. The thing is my Mum wants to project this disciplinarian view where her words held power and she could simply make demands which the kids automatically met.

My childhood just wasn’t like that and my kids don’t respond to that in the way she pretends they do either.

Entering into an argument with my eldest just adds ammunition - she sees me ignore and not discipline but doesn’t appreciate that’s how I’ve learnt to manage him. Once he’s calm we can have a chat and a debrief but it just escalates if I try and discipline whilst he’s wound up!

OK, sorry, thought that you had said those things to her and she was responding to that, as in didn't want him singled out as 'difficult' and advising you accordingly.

This is beautiful - well done you ♥️

No, sorry if I gave the wrong impression, but I have never asked for parenting advise nor have her comments been in respect of his behaviour. They’ve been more my Mum asking the kids to do simple tasks and then using their compliance as evidence of her superiority…!

You could confront her about her parenting failures or maybe make some oblique references like "well at least he hasn't got to the stage where he is smashing the house up yet" and see how it goes down.

But my guess is they will have been subject to revision in her head. IME people have a habit of conveniently forgetting the stuff they don't want to remember and the longer time ago it was the more likely the truth has been revised in their heads.

Maybe worthwhile considering that there is a price to pay for everything. And this irritation is the price you have to pay for the help you are getting with your kids.

@GasPanic yes you’re right re the price to pay and that’s why I’m venting here. I don’t think there’s any benefit in having a discussion with my Mum she’ll just get offended.

I see. Sounds possible then that she may have issues about how she parented herself, which she is trying to resolve with a do -over. When she tells you what she's done that 'worked' she may well just be fishing for praise about her parenting skills to excorcise her own feelings of failure. Its very difficult to deal with.

My mother also thinks she is a superior parent to my child, despite rarely seeing them.

I empathise with your frustration, it can be difficult to bite your tongue.

Thank you. My own mum died when I was a teen so I have nothing to go from so I have had to work out the "being a Granny" for myself. In many ways it is easier because I can be the Granny I would have wanted my own children to have and likewise being a mum to teens and older it's almost as if you can write your own blueprint without a history behind it, good or bad, I suppose.

If it helps, I'll tell you that as a mother I made what I know feel was a mistake in an aspect of parenting my DD. As a GP I feel compelled to show that I'm not doing that particular thing again when I'm looking after her child, so will find myself telling her that I did this that or the other with GC. I suppose if she did something different it could come across as me hypocritically offering advice, but that's not where it's coming from, iyswim? I suppose I'm saying that older mothers/grandmothers have our issues. We have made mistakes, we feel guilt, and we get it wrong. If we are well intentioned, we should be open to having that pointed out to us so we can review our behaviour. I hope your mum is and that you can have a conversation where you explain how her comments make you feel and that she takes it on board.

@5128gap it does thank you. I am not expecting perfection and I do think my parents were good, decent parents to us overall and they’re good grandparents. It’s just not helpful to have someone try and rub their purported superiority in your face. Sometimes you want a bit of solidarity and understanding free from judgement!

I think the issue with the criticism is it fails to recognise children are growing and evolving and they need the opportunity to fail to learn - so a learning process involves failure and repetition. Them misbehaving or whatever is a part of that process - it’s not reflective of them as a whole. Hope I’m making sense.

GM here. Honestly I think it can be really hard to make conversation between mother and daughter. I find it's really difficult to not say something that is mistaken as judgment or criticism. Mums are often tired and irritable and GM often desperate to connect with their adult children. The answer is to not spend much time together. Keep visits and phone calls short and/or infrequent. I try to dumb down as much asppossible to improve my DDs confidence. For reference the mum guilt doesn't go away easily no matter how old your kids get.

Absolutely. And some of the issues will be about different approaches and the way understanding of children's behaviour had evolved. You mum probably parented in a time when the expectation of children's behaviour was a lot more generic with fewer allowances for individuals. In a nutshell, good parents could and should 'make' their children good, and if they couldn't they were doing something wrong. Your mum's experience with your brother, plus her huge misjudgement about the peadophile is unlikely to have left her confidence intact and this will be driving her need to show herself as better now. Unfortunately this is reading as 'better than you' rather than better than her past self. Which is very difficult for you. I do think you should speak to her. Maybe something along the lines of what a good job she is doing as a grandmother, bit sometimes it damages your confidence if you feel she is criticising you.