Parenting Critique from Grandparents

[BlackPantherPrincess]

Just a rant.

My Mum frequently tells me how well she is able to manage my children, in particular my eldest who can be a bit of a arsehole (very strong willed, opinionated, defiant). She will say “it’s the tone you use” and when she views my kids have having been complaint for her will say “see this is how you do it.”

She seems to forget I grew up in her house and my eldest brother was so unruly, he used to jump out his bedroom window if he was sent to his room, I remember very clearly being locked in my Mums room with her whilst he smashed up the house, he punched holes in walls. He hit my Mum frequently. She used to speak about a child we knew who was sent to a children’s home for being out of
control and feared my brother was following the same path.

Now I don’t have a particular problem parenting, it’s tiring sometimes, but I feel we are doing the best for our son who is getting on well at school etc and has solid friendships - there are no real concerns other than he can be a pain in the arse at times and is the harder of my children to parent.

AIBU to get really pissed off at her rose tinted wisdom? All us kids have turned out ok - but she was no perfect parent who’s nailed it all. In fact she made some really critical mistakes - like believing a pedophile was gay and so giving him the perfect opportunity to abuse me - I cannot believe her stupidity now I’m older. They never got my brother any help and looking back he had some undiagnosed needs I’m sure would have made things easier if he was supported.

This view she did it all right and I would benefit from her infinite wisdom, which is generally “just say no like I did with you kids” yeah right that worked…!

#endrant.

Oh come on now. I can have lots of conversations with my MIL about parenting my daughter and it is absolutely clear there is no judgement there at all. She will say things like “it was 50 years ago for me, I remember doing xyz, but my boys were different to [my daughter], I remember how hard it was, have you tried abc”

I can also have conversations with my mum where she is definitely not judging, but there are way more conversations where she definitely is. She thinks she isn’t. She will claim she isn’t. But it’s really clear that she is, because it’s the same way she talks about all the other people she judges.

Rather than deciding to spend less time supporting your daughter, and blaming her tiredness and irritability, perhaps think about what you are saying and how. Does it need to be said? If she is struggling, ask her what she is struggling with, what she has tried and how it worked or not. Ask if she wants to know your thoughts and tell her why you think xyz might work. If you can’t talk to your daughter without annoying her, it’s more likely that’s your issue not hers.

Thanks @5128gap for your really thoughtful reply and advise. It’s definitely a POV I hadn’t considered re her own confidence. But you’re right that often when we’re being the loudest it’s because of a lack of confidence.

I wish you all the best. You are generous in you ability to see another perspective and I hope your mum is too.

If your mother's view of your CSA is that you were promiscuous, I would cut her off entirely. How dare she pontificate on how you bring up your kids when she couldn't stop her son from smashing up the house and she blamed you for your own CSA. She sounds like a disgusting human being. If you think that she wasn't a bad parent, you must be stuck in the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) as objectively, her child rearing efforts were shit.

I am nc withy dm. Partly due to her criticism of my parenting when she was a rubbish dm. Think men round for loud sex, moved about 20 times before I was 12
..
Affairs that got me beaten up...
She would have my dc whispering in corners about me.
Out she went. Gone from out lives. Been best part of 25 years. Had a year of contact 12 years ago. Those shudders came back and out she went. For good now.
Yabu to allow her anywhere near your dc... Imo.

@thepariscrimefiles we’ve never discussed it in detail but when I finally disclosed re the abuse (to a teacher, not her) she just jumped down my throat asking if we’d had sex - which is exactly what she’d done some years before on learning of this man’s character from past offences (a long story but short). Her reaction is why I didn’t disclose initially as I could tell she was really mad and her words and actions certainly made it feel like I was to blame. She always told me not to tell anyone as people might think it was a family member - looking back I think she was embarrassed about her own actions.

I am resentful about all of that but I’m not convinced she is alround a terrible person. If I’m honest I think she is a bit selfish and self absorbed and lacks the ability to empathise. My MIL has a similar view of abuse “it takes two to tango” which my DH has held her accountable for (MIL didn’t know what had happened to me). It seems an old fashioned view that girls have “brought it on themselves”

@Eggsinthewhoopsiebasketalready I’m sorry that happened to you and understand your decision. This is a very small pocket of detail in my otherwise relatively charmed childhood.

Well, I understand your irritation, given the back story, but actually, if she is managing your kids well it’s an opportunity for you to perhaps learn a different technique in dealing with them too?
You don’t need to give her plaudits for it, but don’t cut off your nose to spite your face!

@Swiftie1878 no because her chosen method is just to be authoritative and it just leads to an escalation with my eldest and more frustration.

Then what is she bragging about???

@Swiftie1878 exactly!