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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to just stay in bed and ignore kids

68 replies

TheWiltedRose · 18/05/2008 10:10

all day and night? im having a really bad day today and am going to snap at some point so would it be wrong of me to feed them, change them and let thtem play on there own today?

OP posts:
duchesse · 18/05/2008 11:46

Ok, WRose. This is absolutely the worst time for you. You are at home with two very small children. I can absolutely assure that things will NOT stay like this for ever (even tho god knows it feels like it when they're this age).

I remember my friend's (girls') school getting in a motivational speaker to speak to the A level students. This speaker said to the girls: "Yes, you CAN have it all, just not all at the same time". Which is very sound advice.

You had your children fairly young, which will turn out to be a wonderful boon later when you are still young enough to do really active things with them when they are 11 and 9, 15 and 13 etc.... They are changing all the time and they will not be toddlers for ever. The idea is to survive this stage, especially if you are not enjoying it.

The best thing to do would be for you to try to work what you want to be doing by the time they are both at school. There is a fair amount of childcare and other help available to you if you decide you want to go back to college for example. It might really lift your spirits to be doing something you enjoy alongside other grown-ups, and knowing that it is leading somewhere professionally and your children are being safely looked after.

Being a stay at home parent is a tough enough job at the best of times, far tougher if you are feeling down, unsupported and stuck in a rut. You actually have the power to make this change. You need something to look forward to- we all do.

VictorianSqualor · 18/05/2008 11:46

TWR, I was where you are three years ago, single mother of a 4&1 year old, no money, no education, no partner (had just ended the relationship with my dc's dad when I caught him cheating).

I met a guy (online as it happens) we started dating, we now live together and have a 4week old baby, I start my degree in sept, do doula training in november and am hoping to be able to train as a BFC next year too. I'm deliriously happy, I never thought I would be, but I am.

My point is you never know what the future holds, there is a good life out there for you.

Original poster
TheWiltedRose · 18/05/2008 11:53

I cant afford to go to college i cant afford childcare. I am in debt and everyday feels like a year

OP posts:
VictorianSqualor · 18/05/2008 11:57

You wouldn't have to pay for college or childcare.
Most people have some form of debt, is it manageable?

Original poster
TheWiltedRose · 18/05/2008 12:01

four ana ahlf grand at the age of 20 and baliffs are at my door.
I still have to pay part towards childcare and i cant even afford that

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LIZS · 18/05/2008 12:01

Sounds as if you need to break out of the cycle. Do you have Surestart in the area or a college/charity offering community based Skills for Life type courses which may have a creche available on site. If you have a very low income or are on benefits chances are you'd have access to free childcare even for a college based course.

VictorianSqualor · 18/05/2008 12:04

What about home study?
No childcare needed and you can probably get the course paid for.
As for bailiffs, have you spoken to anyone about your debt? Like a money advisor at the council/CAB, they can help you arrange it so no-one is knocking at your door and you are paying it off at the rate you can afford.

duchesse · 18/05/2008 12:04

Can I ask what level you left education at? Do you need to do/redo GCSEs? (I am googling stuff)

duchesse · 18/05/2008 12:05

OK re the debt Wilted Rose- did you borrow from a loan shark? Are these "nice" bailiffs or nasty ones?

duchesse · 18/05/2008 12:08

OK WRose- are any of these Surestart centres near where you live?

Original poster
TheWiltedRose · 18/05/2008 12:08

i am getting debt sorted slowly but getting there, i would like to study at college but dont know how to start i cant o it on my own

OP posts:
Original poster
TheWiltedRose · 18/05/2008 12:09

I live right next to surestart nursery in bilston but all they do are parent and toddler sance groups and day care and nursary, theyve never mentioned anything else

OP posts:
VictorianSqualor · 18/05/2008 12:14

I went to college at 22, had left school at 15, it was scary! But after the first few weeks I loved it.
Why do you feel you can't do it yourself?

duchesse · 18/05/2008 12:15

WRose- can you make an appointment with the admission person at your fe college and explain the issues affecting you? They may well have access to more information, and know of other sources of funding that you can access. Sometimes with these things, you have to keep asking and keep asking different people until you get the information you need. Not everyone has the same info. Could the Bilston nursery (which looks really good btw) point you in the right direction (crying in managers' offices can work wonders). The problem is that every organisation in this country is tight-fisted and will generally only release funding to those in the most need. If you appear to be coping (whatever you may be feeling inside), they may prefer to allocate resources to someone who appears not to be.

I think that you are right to feel that returning to college is the right step for you. It will boost your self-esteem not to be with toddlers all day. And when does your older child start school? And does he go to nursery now?

And do you realise that if you were working you would be eligible for childcare credit?

Original poster
TheWiltedRose · 18/05/2008 12:16

i dont know what to do, how to go about it and ill never go if someone doesnt take me i just cant seem to start anything myself right now

OP posts:
Original poster
TheWiltedRose · 18/05/2008 12:17

s1 is supposed to start at the bilson sure start nursary in september but if i go to college ill have to take him out becasue theres noone to pick him up and drop him off at another nursary or creche and its the best one in bilston but hes only part time

OP posts:
lou33 · 18/05/2008 12:17

i did this all day yesterday and until about 11 am today

mind you it was because of migraine , and my oldest is 16, so she fed them for me whilst i slept

VictorianSqualor · 18/05/2008 12:18

First you need to decide what you'd like to study.
What do you want to do with your life?

Original poster
TheWiltedRose · 18/05/2008 12:19

I wanted to study to be a teaching assistant becasue its good money and i can branch out into nursers and things if i wanted to but other than that i dont know

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KatieScarlett2833 · 18/05/2008 12:20

Go and talk to your Lone Parent adviser at the Jobcentre. They'll be able to help re childcare when studying, or they'll know someone who can.

duchesse · 18/05/2008 12:21

Have to say, it sounds like a depressive-type thing to me...having suffered from it myself for many years. I think you should speak to your HV (if she's nice) or GP. With a formal diagnosis, you may be able to access more resources (this is a mad world we live in)

The only thing I've found that works for me is keeping going and exercise, and plenty of it. It might the endorphins, who knows...

Does your local Surestart offer mentoring (older lady who's reared children and is reasonably savvy, kind and non-patronising mentors you and hopefully suggests things that may not have occurred to you yet)?

duchesse · 18/05/2008 12:23

And I'm not convinced you'll be able to keep your children on a TA wage (unless they are well paid in your area). Would you be considering an NVQ in childcare or something similar?

Original poster
TheWiltedRose · 18/05/2008 12:23

I want to join my local gym but it will cost £12 a week just to exersize for two hours with kids in the creche

OP posts:
Original poster
TheWiltedRose · 18/05/2008 12:24

The teaching assistant jobs ive seen pay £50 a day thats why i thought of it but i dotn have a clue i dont know what i want to do, i hear dental assistents pay well

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duchesse · 18/05/2008 12:25

If you are studying, I have a hunch that you ought to be eligible for help with a childminder to provide wrap around care. In which case, a CM would pick your older son up from nursery. You could place your younger child with her as well. If you sort this out now (cm places for 2 children more tricky to find than for 1) now, you could be in college by September.