Is my neighbour a CF or AIBU?

[Allaboutthetrilogy1985]

Has anyone had trouble with neighbours because of their SEN children? I have a DS who at the minute is going through headbanging. So we have him in a travel cot next to us as its safer. However, he likes to rock the cot which admittedly does make a racket and of course we try to limit the rocking by using furniture to pad him in - but you know - stimming!!! Our neighbour has text tonight saying how the banging day and night is ruining his life and keeps them awake. I feel bad that our son is disrupting them, but even on his worse days he crashes by 9 (being put to bed at 7) i can imagine those two hours are irritating but what else can i do? He sleeps through so i just cant understand the argument for keeping them awake unless they go to bed at 7? And all day is crazy as he goes to a childminders? Neighbour is fully aware of DS needs. Our neighbour also complained about our dog barking all day when we were home all day with said dog and heard not a peep! So should i be polite and try and ‘do better’ as he suggests, or shall i tell him to do one and fall out?. Both neighbour and us own our properties. Ps he doesnt seem to worry about noise when revving his stupid midlife crisis vespa outside our house at 7am on a weekend….

AIBU for not doing better?

Have you pointed out to the neighbour that the times they’re claiming your son is disturbing them he isn’t even in the house?
Then feign concern and sweetly suggest they maybe they should speak to their GP as they’re hearing noises 🤷🏼‍♀️

@Allaboutthetrilogy1985 There's a charity called Caudwell that might be able to help with funding for a safespace cot, could you consider crowdfunding perhaps (send a link to neighbour lol) and as for Mr Vespa, yes tell him to do one. What a hypocrite. Your child can't help the noise and there's very little you can do. We currently have a little banger next door, but having been through the same stage with our autistic teen 10 years ago we basically find ways to cope, it's not hard. Mr Vespas just not very resilient probably.

We did try this with the dog. He insisted our dog was barking all day when i was working from home. When i said i was home, he the. Only complained when our car was gone. So we ended up putting a camera in the living room so that if we were out and he text we sent him a video of the stream. Honestly its exhausting. Im sure he's just very sensitive and im sorry about that but ita difficult to deal with ontop of everything else!

Are you seriously suggesting i suffocate my son to appease my neighbours noise sensitivity?

Please don’t do this unless you have tried everything else possible, including making the room safe/padded and using a mattress on the floor. I have seen so many parents buy a single bed sized one for their child with asd when healthcare professionals won’t provide one, and massively regret it down the line.

He will get used to sleeping in that space and may really struggle if you go on holiday as he gets older. I know families that have had to come home after the first night as their child will only settle in the safe space or cotbed.

Aside from that, as he gets older, it becomes restraint. It’s one thing having a 2yo in an enclosed space, but imagine him at 18 when he becomes an adult? The situation then becomes much more complicated regarding the law.

Go down every behavioural route possible before getting something to shut him into. If it doesn’t work then any professional recommending or providing this type of bed should be writing and providing you with a very clear ‘best interest’ care plan, detailing what has been tried, and the clinical reasoning behind restraining him

Thank you. Weve bought a floor bed for him which im sure will do the trick - its coming on Wednesday. We just had to wait until pay day as wed paid out for new carpets with thick underlay to try and appease out of this months salary!

@Allaboutthetrilogy1985

i have no ideas to help but I really feel for you it must be bloody stressful for you both.

tell the neighbour to just suck it up for a minute until you can get things sorted.

all the people saying to do something instantly probably have never had to deal with it.

my youngest had severe reflux as a baby ands screamed and cried her way through the nights for the first 18 months.

it was absolute hell for us but our neighbour who we are joined into and whose bedroom is next to ours never ever complained.
she doesn’t have children but whenever we apologised she always said she didn’t hear anything which I know must be untrue but she was really good

you’ve just got a shitty neighbour I’m afraid.

grit your teeth and carry on with what your doing and ignore it

It sounds like you’ve got enough on your plate without having to deal with your neighbour! Do what you can to minimise the sound, but, ultimately, they are not your priority.

How is this post OK? does a comma and 3 !s make it acceptable to suggest you put a pillow over a toddler's face? Is there actually something wrong with you @Pussycat22

@Pussycat22 disgusting comment - you should be ashamed of yourself.
@Allaboutthetrilogy1985 would pool noodle material work on the feet and side rails help for the time being?

Does your neighbour know you own your home OP? I only ask because is it possible he thinks you rent/have a council property and is trying to make a log of instances for proof to complain?
Regardless, he is making things up and exaggerating, for that alone you should minimise contact. If he complains about something that hasn't happened, tell him that's not possible because xyz. Don't apologise!

Sounds like CF to me, complaining about times when yous arent even home

Reported

Yes he knows we own. Now ive calmed down a bit i remember how he complains about everything. One time he knocked on the door complaining that our garage door was dirty (round the back of the house) on the day i bough our twins home after over 100 days in NICU. I dont want to upset anyone and will do what i can to sort it. This text was probably just the straw that broke the camels back!

Thank you. That comment was really hard to read

Some people are more sensitive to noise than others and I know that if it was me as your neighbour, then at this age that I’m at now, I’d find it quite intolerable too.

I understand that you’re trying your best and it definitely is a challenging situation for you, but your neighbour shouldn’t have to suffer as a result. It isn’t a temporary tolerance, like for a short bus ride or something- this is in their home, their safe haven and comfort place and they’re entitled to absolute peace there.

So yes, like others have suggested, you need to find a solution to this that may inconvenience you - like moving your child to a different room and if that means you have to move too then so be it. One of you will be inconvenienced-you or your neighbour and if it’s your child then that should be you.

I’ll also say that it does seem from some of your answers that maybe you’re shifting the blame to them for exaggerating the problem. Yes, he may be exaggerating but that still doesn’t mean the situation is acceptable.

Weve moved my son into our bedroom which is the furthest away from where my neighbour sleeps. We (as adults) go to bed at 7 o’clock with him to ensure hes not hurting himself and so we can intervene and stop the cot from rocking if he starts. We have laid thick carpet and expensive underlay. We have ordered a floor bed (as soon as we could afford to do so) which will be arriving soon. We have spend over 20k on private therapy and intervention for him as well as advocated for support tirelessly from the NHS. Other than put my son in the garage im not sure how else i can further inconvenience myself to ensure my neighbour doesn't hear sporadic banging over the space of 2 hours. All i was hoping for was a bit of compassion and understanding whilst we find a solution that works. This has only been going on 4 weeks (one of which we were away for). As i have said i do empathise if its causing disturbance to them. However im not shifting the blame as i dont agree there is blame to be apportioned in this circumstance

Have you made a formal request for a care assessment? With all that health involvement it should be perfectly possible to show he qualifies even without a formal diagnosis. Quote s1 Children Act 1989 to Social Services.

Don’t they mean over the neighbours face? That’s how I read it

I genuinely think they meant the neighbours face

My brother is a rocker, before his safe space bed he slept in a tent with a mattress in it, would that work for you?

That's how I read it too. But can see that it could easily be read either way!

OP he sounds a nightmare. Anytime you're doubting yourself think of his garage door complaint. Ridiculous excuse for a human, he clearly needs to get a life and pack it in with his horrid complaints.

Hes had a care assessment but doesn't meet the threshold. Community paediatrician is reassessing at 3. To be honest hes a really happy little boy and although delayed is verbal and sociable. The physical health issues he has such as his heart, COPD and particularly hearing causes pain and frustration. We know his hearing is currently severely impacted which coincides with when he started headbanging. Its just a consistent battle with the NHS because whilst he has a lot of issues, none are seen as particularly severe on their own

This. If the neighbour is saying he’s hearing the banging when the child isn’t even there, then either he’s mistaking another noise for it, or he’s being a CF. And as OP says how is he being ‘kept awake all night’ if child is asleep by 9?!