Is my neighbour a CF or AIBU?

[Allaboutthetrilogy1985]

Has anyone had trouble with neighbours because of their SEN children? I have a DS who at the minute is going through headbanging. So we have him in a travel cot next to us as its safer. However, he likes to rock the cot which admittedly does make a racket and of course we try to limit the rocking by using furniture to pad him in - but you know - stimming!!! Our neighbour has text tonight saying how the banging day and night is ruining his life and keeps them awake. I feel bad that our son is disrupting them, but even on his worse days he crashes by 9 (being put to bed at 7) i can imagine those two hours are irritating but what else can i do? He sleeps through so i just cant understand the argument for keeping them awake unless they go to bed at 7? And all day is crazy as he goes to a childminders? Neighbour is fully aware of DS needs. Our neighbour also complained about our dog barking all day when we were home all day with said dog and heard not a peep! So should i be polite and try and ‘do better’ as he suggests, or shall i tell him to do one and fall out?. Both neighbour and us own our properties. Ps he doesnt seem to worry about noise when revving his stupid midlife crisis vespa outside our house at 7am on a weekend….

AIBU for not doing better?

Can’t you put pillows or noodles around or to stop the banging?

Can you move ds to a room at the other side of the house, so not against the wall you share with neighbour? I can see how this would be really annoying for them, some people get really triggered by noise like that (my dp does). But I can also see how it's a tricky situation for you, but you can't just allow him to bang on for hours, he's only going to get bigger and louder.

Tell him to do one, you are doing your best.

You’ve acknowledged that the cot rocking makes a racket, so you need to try and find ways to limit the noise. Is it the feet of the cot making the noise? Could you buy rubber matting to go underneath?

Its not the headbanging thats causing the noise, its because weve moved him into a travel cot to keep him safe. But he rocks it which makes a banging noise. We do what we can to minimise the rocking by padding the cot in with furniture or holding it down. But hes quite determined!

you’re going to need a different solution to a travel cot then. something more permanent that you can fix to the ground or the wall. Yes you’re being unreasonable. You can’t expect others to put up with a child banging furniture even if they do have needs.

can you put some rugs or rubber mats under the cot?

could he handle just having a mattress at ground level? This is what we did for our dd. Worked like a charm. We just baby proofed the room and put a gate on the door.

Of course a travel cot is not going to be a long term solution. This has only been happening for 4 weeks (1 week of which we have been away). We are in the process of dividing our room to create his own room where he can have a safe space. Unfortunately we have no diagnosis, no LA support. We are paying for private physio, OT and SLT as the waiting list on the NHS is so long. There is only so much we can do at a pace we can do it. My neighbour knows this. My neighbour has also complained about the banging whilst we were away on holiday. My direct neighbour (who we share a wall with) hears nothing. I do feel bad its causing them disruption, but im cross they are exaggerating the impact (keeping us awake all night) and dont have any empathy with our efforts to resolve

We are in a townhouse and we are mirror image with the complaining neighbour. We have a landing and staircase between us and the same their side. They also sleep on the second floor and we sleep on the first. My neighbour on the side where our walls join doesnt hear anything x

You could speak to your OT about a safespace cot - they can be funded by a dfg and bolted down to your floor if needed, and are padded inside so he won't hurt himself if bangs head.
Poor you, and poor him. Appreciate it may be hard for neighbour to listen too, but it's tougher for you to see your child hurting themselves.

2 hours every night is a long time to listen to banging and I say that as a parent of a headbanger!
Is there anything you can do to stop the banging?
I wouldn't want to fall out with my neighbour if it was preventable, no.

If they’re complaining about noise when you aren’t home, maybe they’re mistaking another neighbour for you!

and I say this as someone with a very, very noisy neighbour so would usually be on his “side”… it doesn’t sound like you are the problem, though you could try a different cot or try padding it more?

I wonder if you could tape the cot legs to the floor or use furniture shock absorber pads for the feet. Or both.

2 hours of rocking each night doesn't sound good for your son or your neighbours. If he's really spending that long in his cot rocking or banging his head maybe he needs something else. Doorway swing (Gorilla bar type), OT assessment.

Absolutely. Would love this. DS needs his own room and a safe space. However he has no diagnosis and no support despite being on the radar since birth sue to his prematurity. We are currently building a dividing wall and will purchase the equipment he needs privately. However this has only been happening a matter of weeks. We can only do as much as we can

I think you should just explain again it’s for 2 hours and you are doing your best but can’t change it right now. Really struggling to see how the neighbour could be a CF though

Its really not two hours constantly. We go up at the same time as him beachse im worried about his headbanging. Its not that thats causing the noise its the rocking. Weve put new carpet in with extra insulation and we hold the side of the cot when he starts. Sometimes he will drip off straight away. Sometimes he starts ricking again after 10 minutes and we do the same. Hes always asleep by 9 at latest and wakes about 6;45

Is the cot near the wall with the staircase? It maybe conducting the sound and thumps up making it sound louder than you'd think.

How old is he now?
Support shouldn't be dependent on a diagnosis, it's based off his functional and developmental needs. Services are nore stretched than I can remember in 20 years as a children's physio, but you should have had some contact from nhs teams.

By safe space I meant this
https://safespaces.co.uk/
There is funding available, but an OT referral is usually needed.

No its on the other wall. Ive talked to our other neighbour who says he doesn't hear him. He goes to bed at 10 and the cot is basically against this neighbours headboard

I just think the CF comes from over exaggerating. Hes saying its all day (DS at childminders) and all night keeping them awake (DS is asleep by 9) I accept that it is disrupting for them intermittently between 7-9 whixh weve apologised for and spoken to them about. but i do expect a bit of grace whilst we are able to find a solution.

If he doesn’t crash till 9, do you need to put him to bed at 7? I know you say the cot is a safety thing but presume he’s safe the rest of the day when he’s not in a cot? If those two hours are the problem - and they do sound a problem - then I’d try something other than just accepting that’s how it is every night, at least until you’ve tried having him elsewhere till he crashes.

He is 2 and a half. He is under NHS paediatrician, community paediatrician, OT, physio, cardiologist, neurologist, ENT due to hearing loss, he has been admitted hospital at least once a month since we was born at 28 weeks due to chronic lung disease. Hes on every agency radar but the only physical/practical support we have received has been paid for privately. We are currently around 20k in on this.

He's in that awkward stage of dropping his afternoon nap. If he goes without his nap he will crash at 7:30 but be irritable. If he has a nap its closer to 9. As i say this has only been going on 3/4 weeks. I just hoped for some grace whilst we figure it out!

@Allaboutthetrilogy1985 are you sure it’s you they hear? If you were away one week I’d be saying ‘are you sure - next door doesn’t here, we were away and you said you heard us and DS is asleep by 9. Plus ddog did not bark the say you said. Happy to try and improve things but not sure all of it is us. BTW, as we’re discussing noise, could you agree to push your scooter up the road before starting it, if you’re leaving before 8 at the weekend’

If he is complaining about the noise when you are not there and when DS is at childminders just tell him he must be mistaken about the noise because there is no one in your house at those times to make it.