Stepdaughter and Daughter's Wedding

[WickedMotherofthebride]

Decided to become a member as it seems to be Stepchildren and wedding season on Mumsnet and sobbing uncontrollably to my sister isn't giving me the unbiased opinions I am after.
For the first time in our 22 year marriage my husband's ex invited him to dinner. We were very curious thinking she must be ill or something. I admit after a couple of hours I used my iphone to track him and he was at Charing Cross, then an hour later in the pub around the corner from us, he rarely drinks but came home the worse for wear and completely ashen.
Essentially if he goes ahead to walk my daughter down the aisle he can say goodbye to a relationship with his own daughter who is apparently devastated by this. Something that has been confirmed by his son.
I am one of those women who let a loser impregnate her, I thought the odd splif wasn't a big deal but he turned into an absolute stonehead who was in and out of my daughter's life until she was 8 when I married my husband. I don't know if her father's absence and my getting married was a coincidence but I think it was.
My husband is to all intents and purposes her dad.
At 15 a strange man arrived at the door wanting me to talk to him without my daughter present., obviously I wouldn't but my husband went out. It was the husband of my daughter's aunt to tell us that her dad had died.
She was given the chance to have a relationship with her family but chose not to saying that my husband was her dad.
Stepdaughter has a long term partner but there are no wedding bells.
My husband is adamant now that he can't give my daughter away something that I will not forgive him for. In fact I will divorce him if he doesn't.
The wedding is in 18 weeks.

Let the dust settle here. The wedding is 4 months away and no one needs to decide anything yet.

But please don't threaten your DH over this. He didn't ask to be put in this situation and it's cruel to make him choose. He needs to talk to his DD and understand why she's so upset about it. Face to Face.

This. You can't make him choose.

It's blackmail. If the SD had married first and he had walked her down the aisle I bet she wouldn't be making wild threats now. It's a timing thing. He needs to talk to his DD not messages going through her mum.

He’s made a choice. In fact he’s “adamant” about it and perhaps went to the pub for the courage to communicate it.

The SD is “devastated” so much so that her mother who does meet up with DH met up with him to discuss it.

Can it not just be explained to DD. That while he would ideally like to, his daughter is devastated about it and given that DD had the benefit of DH being in her life when SD didn’t it’s something he feels he can’t do to her.

His daughter is holding him to ransome. I think it's incredibly manipulative. But, I don't think threatening divorce and throwing out ultimatums is any less manipulative. Your husband is in a very tricky position where whatever he does is going to hurt someone and potentially ruin a relationship.

You could walk her down the aisle.

I think you need to talk to him and see what he feels he can do as a special person in your daughters life. Maybe he could do a dance to something like you got a friend in me. Not announced as a dad but as a special father figure in her life.

Whatever he does he's funked either way if everyone's throwing out ultimatums.

Would he really lose his daughter if he did it though?? I mean really? Or would she pissed off but find her way back to him when she next needs money/support/ whatever else dad usually provides her.

Adult offspring can really hold their parents to ransom with the threat of no contact but in reality that’s all it is - a threat.

We have no way of knowing that.

It’s not a ‘wild threat’ if she fully intends to follow through with it, which it sounds like she does. Or at least her mother, brother and father believe she does.

Unfortunate as it may be, he doesn’t get to walk both down the aisle. He’s in a position where he’s had to choose between his walking his stepdaughter at her wedding, and his relationship with his daughter, and he’s chosen his daughter.

Well no, it’s not always a threat.

The people who actually know her believe that she’s serious, enough to take it upon themselves to warn her father (she in fact has not made demands or issued ultimatums), who also believes that she’s serious.

So you are putting this man in the position of having to choose between losing his daughter, or his wife?

He needs to speak to his daughter about this, rather than his ex wife or his son. It may all be salvageable. If not, you can walk your daughter down the aisle and they can do something special later in the day (speech/dance etc)

The real question is can the op and the step daughter get over this ?
Only you OP know this , I doubt your daughter can get over it to be honest as I imagine it’s double trauma and the relationship to him will never be the same again so if your relationship can recover is the actual question .
I know I could not but only you know you capacity to o oversee this

@InterIgnis yeah hopefully he’ll be able to gauge it based on his knowledge of his daughter

My mum walked me down the aisle 25 years ago.

Maybe the bride in this situation could try and find a bit of empathy for the girl who grew up dealing with the hurt that comes with knowing your Dad has left you to play Daddy to an unrelated child and graciously step aside.

She should recognise that she was selfish for not considering her step fathers daughters feelings before she asked him to do something special that is usually reserved for dads and daughters.

I had no one walk me down the aisle it literally doesn’t matter. My mum walked out on my wedding saying my husband was a wrong ‘un ( she’s the wrong one) I’ve been very very happily married thirty years now none of that fake stuff matters. He’s your daughter’s dad your daughter and him know how important the relationship is don’t jeopardise that by competing with biological daughter’s tantrum. Be the bigger person he’ll love you more for the support. As for the biological ones it’ll bite them some way some how in the future. It always does if you allow this sort of thing to fester. Don’t you do the same. Your poor poor husband he must be distraught.

I assume dh’s daughter struggles with idea that another perosnal, who maybe she doesn’t know well , views dh as dad.

its a complex thing.

my SIL and brother are devout Christian’s. They called each others parents universally as mum and dad. I’ve had a couple of periods in last 36 years when I got profoundly irritated by my SIL calling my dad “dad”…mainly becuase my dad wasn’t always a nice person to me,in fact was a pretty lousy parent in many ways. Not his fault in some ways- I think he was neurodivergent…but he died last year at age 87 so not of generation to find that out. But dad was always on best behaviour with SIL, she only knew one side of him. There was stuff she’d say to him thst id never have been allowed to say even as a 50 year old women. 🤷‍♀️😳

but I love my SIL, she means no harm ..just a bit naive and guileless 🙄. So I kept my mouth shut . Talked to myself to ignore it. Both my parent dead now so don’t have those weird feelings now when she refers to them.

but it sure did wind me up at times . Perhaps becuase I was an only daughter, maybe with my 2 elder brothers it didn’t impact them as much.

I don’t think it was jealously as such, more an irritation of her intimacy with him based on rose tinted spectacles, and not the warts and all I experienced.

so, it could be a lot of complex things going on. His daughter presumably missed out on some of intimacy your daughter had? Don’t right it off as simple jealously…Sd experienced a different dad potentially.

still a bummer…but tread carefully…turn on full empathy and try to talk to her about why she feels this way. Dig into whys in non challenging way..or get dh to do this…even if it doesn’t change wedding outcome it could just help to improve relationships between you all longer term.

as other said, you’re her biological and legal parent, you give her away. One up for female equality…do the mother of bride speach too…and tell your daughter to keep her own name ! 🤣🤣

I do agree with you @commonsense61 that it must be a huge disappointment, but for the OP to say she’ll divorce him if he won’t do it is quite ridiculous. The poor man is probably totally torn between loyalty to his daughter and to his stepdaughter, what I’m saying is there will have to be a compromise or the whole wedding is going to be an absolute disaster.

It sounds like he has. He didn’t speak to her directly (If she wasn’t aware that her mother and brother were going to speak to him about it, she may be angry at discovering they went behind her back), and he didn’t go home and speak to OP before making a decision, he went home and told her the decision he had ‘adamantly’ made was. This, despite almost undoubtedly having a very good idea what the impact of this on his wife and stepdaughter would be, and that this could cost him those relationships.

It reads very much like he truly believes that she would follow through, and he’s not prepared for that to happen.

Well DD certainly won’t get over it if her mother acts like it’s something she can’t get over.

The DD is so secure in her relationship with DH that she declined meeting her bio’s father’s family.

The DD appears to had more parenting from DH that his own children. She has years of being with him full time.

DH put his own wants for another relationship ahead of his kids. He should do this for his DD.

Your husband’s daughter is an awful awful awful human. Absolute trash. And his ex should have been talking their daughter around not supporting her.

I feel so sorry for your husband (and your daughter).

Once again his daughter is an absolute See You Next Tuesday.

She’s your daughter walk her down the aisle.

Where did you get the last line from?

The way to get around this is for you to walk her down the aisle.

If I was your son I would have a few choice words for my sister.

That said your ultimatum puts you and his daughter in the same level of nastiness tbh. Respect he need to maintain a relationship with both his daughters and you walk your daughter down the aisle.

My perspective. I don’t think a man shouid move in with another woman and her daughter while he has a young daughter.

His focus should have been on creating a home environment where his kids could come & visit him.

He put his need for a romantic relationship ahead of that.

I totally agree with this.

I would feel the same OP, if my DH did this I doubt I could continue the relationship. It would be so devastating for your daughter for the person she views as her father to refuse to walk her down the isle. If any man hurt my child like that I very much doubt I could forgive them.
Sorry you and your DD are going through this.