Stepdaughter and Daughter's Wedding

[WickedMotherofthebride]

Decided to become a member as it seems to be Stepchildren and wedding season on Mumsnet and sobbing uncontrollably to my sister isn't giving me the unbiased opinions I am after.
For the first time in our 22 year marriage my husband's ex invited him to dinner. We were very curious thinking she must be ill or something. I admit after a couple of hours I used my iphone to track him and he was at Charing Cross, then an hour later in the pub around the corner from us, he rarely drinks but came home the worse for wear and completely ashen.
Essentially if he goes ahead to walk my daughter down the aisle he can say goodbye to a relationship with his own daughter who is apparently devastated by this. Something that has been confirmed by his son.
I am one of those women who let a loser impregnate her, I thought the odd splif wasn't a big deal but he turned into an absolute stonehead who was in and out of my daughter's life until she was 8 when I married my husband. I don't know if her father's absence and my getting married was a coincidence but I think it was.
My husband is to all intents and purposes her dad.
At 15 a strange man arrived at the door wanting me to talk to him without my daughter present., obviously I wouldn't but my husband went out. It was the husband of my daughter's aunt to tell us that her dad had died.
She was given the chance to have a relationship with her family but chose not to saying that my husband was her dad.
Stepdaughter has a long term partner but there are no wedding bells.
My husband is adamant now that he can't give my daughter away something that I will not forgive him for. In fact I will divorce him if he doesn't.
The wedding is in 18 weeks.

Seriously that is what you have come up with? The marriage might not last. I’m sorry but he has no balls. He is in all intents and purposes her father.

You have to accept that this has been done to cause upset between you. Do not let it! The way to win this is to rise above it. YOU walk her down the aisle. Your DH can still make a speech, dance with her etc if you want. Do not let them win and see you sobbing. It is awful, spiteful and pathetic but you can't control them or make your DH choose between his daughters.

It's not OP's daughter's fault her father is a loser either is it? Why punish her? The father's bio daughter loses nothing by her Dad walking her step sister down the aisle but the SD does lose out if he refuses? Your example of not being happy if you asked your stepdad to walk you down the aisle is a false equivalence because then he would be losing something - having that experience with you. The SD can still have her father walk her down the aisle when the time comes. She won't be losing that. I think it's ok to feel a little sad about it (you can't help your feelings) - but to threaten to never to talk to him again if he does it is divisive and narcissistic and I can't see this ending well for anyone. What a shame.

He was. He wasn’t living with her for starters. He could stayed living on his own where his kids could have come & spent time with him,
He moved in with another woman & child. And that child got him full time.

People are reaching so far, with so little information and projecting a little too much in this thread.

BRB I'm just off to phone my dad and tell him he'll never actually be my 40 year old sisters (half-sister) dad, despite coming into her life when she was a few month old, as some on here would imply.

No, they aren’t. The only one failing to grasp anything here is you.

When put in a position where he had to choose, he chose his daughter. He did not even have to speak directly to her in order to do so. He didn’t even go home to OP and talk to her before he made a decision. He went home and told her what his decision was.

It may be nice to think ‘they are both his’, but the reality here is that they aren’t, and his priority is his child.

Unless your dad already had kids, not the same scenario

Your threat of divorce is very unhelpful and totally ridiculous. You must be able to see that your husband is in a horrible situation - on the one hand threatened by his daughter with being cut off - but on the other hand being threatened by you with divorce. Poor, poor fucker. You need to get your head out of your ass quite honestly. You could make this easy for him by walking your DD down the aisle yourself. Preserves his relationship with his DD and you could simply stop with the divorce threats.

It seems like your daughter has lived with your husband full time for a very long time, whilst he has lived apart from his own daughter for at least half the time, if the contact was 50:50. That must be very upsetting for his daughter to watch and she must feel as though she’s been replaced - and you don’t care at all - you can only see your own and your DD’s point of view.

Just walk your DD down the aisle and accept that your stepdaughter has long term deep wounds from her parents’ divorce.

Another thread where someone drops a bomb and never comes back?

Tell everyone why?! If she told me that, I’d think well I totally understand why the SD is upset, and I would think really poorly of the OP for mouthing off about it!

Your DSD sounds like an immature brat! What would she do if she had a sister? Make her dad choose between them? She needs to grow up and your DH needs to grow a pair and tell her to fuck off.

Had she asked him if he wanted to walk her down the aisle? If he had already agreed then he should have told his dd to stop being an immature idiot. If he hasn't been asked I'd ask your dd if you could walk her down the aisle.

I can understand why you'd be upset.

You can give your daughter away, op.

However your daughter belongs to nobody, she is not a piece of property. If you choose to sponsor her, that is sufficient. You'll walk down the aisle together.

See what she says.

Neither did she. For all we know she just had a cry to her Mum, told her she felt too hurt and was going to start back off from her Dad. Then her Mum, wanting to protect her daughter and her relationship with her father, chose to tell her ex how their daughter was feeling.

Why the twat went to the pub to get drunk and sorry for himself instead of contacting his daughter to see what she was saying is something we’ll likely never know.

Who knows? She doesn’t have a sister, so that’s a moot point.

No, he doesn’t ‘need’ to tell her to fuck off and lose his relationship with her when that’s clearly not what he wants.

For what it’s worth, I think your husband could do worse than meet with his daughter and ask Why ?

He might have to 'Ask Why Five Times' to get to the root of the problem but I don’t think blackmail on any side is the answer.

If one of my kids (all adults) issued an ultimatum like that to me or their dad they'd be firmly put in their place! Fortunately they're normal well rounded people, not entitled little shits.

This 100%
Why is he so spineless?
If he's been "for all intents and purposes" your daughter's dad for all these years, I would expect him to act like one, not bend over as soon as his (jealous and unreasonable) daughter and ex snap their fingers.
If that was my husband I'd be really disappointed in him too OP.

Sounds like there is a lot of resentment from DSD, probably feeling very hurt that DH maybe spent more time with your daughter than her when she was growing up and now your daughter is getting married first. I can see it from both sides. It’s not really anyone’s fault how does DD feel about it?

Did you and your half (not step) sister grown up in the same home together. Did you both get to live with the man you call Dad? If so, it’s a totally different situation.

Fair enough. He, however, loves his child and isn’t prepared to lose his relationship with her for the sake of his stepchild.

She doesn’t have a sister. She has a dad who after leaving their family home, didn’t prioritise setting up a stable second home where his kids could see him. He moved in with someone else and raised her child.

If he’d been childfree that would have been fantastic but he wasn’t. He was a man with existing commitments to children he chose to create.

Only he didnt "choose his daughter".

What he chose is to pander to a batshit crazy blackmail.

And sure, OPs daughter can be walked down by other people but that's not the point. It's the meaning behind the gesture and the message she would now get, that her dad the only dad she's got doesn't care enough to stand up for her and she's not a real daughter to him. Not to mention treated awfully by her step sister!

Well i agree that clearly some mistakes were made in her upbringing but that’s not going to be solved by a spiteful act towards her step sister at her wedding.

She should have had it explained to her years ago that her DF has every right to find love again, remarry, be a step dad etc, and that she cannot dictate other people’s relationships but that also doesn’t mean he loves her any less. But it’s too late for that kind of chat now so he’s probably better off using flattery - reassuring her that she’s the favorite and that he’s only walking the other one down the aisle because he feels obligated but can she just be generous and the bigger person etc. she’ll grumble and feel like the victim but probably get past it. Home truths about her acting like a spoiled brat or playing her “pick me” game like the OP is doing will make it worse.